Realization

Before you, I was perfectly fine. I would dance in the shower, sing out loud, laugh at just about everything. You came into my life a summer night, made me laugh with your contagious smile. I remember how much you complimented me. You acted like I was the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen. A truly beautiful night. We talked a little bit about everything until dawn. You and I were inseparable. Two peas in a pod. I pictured my life with you. What our kids would look like, where our house would be. Before you I didn’t even want to get married. I met you & I even started thinking about the name of our kids’ pet. We ended on a warm spring morning. No actual reason. We just ended. Just like that. The same way we started, so quick. And suddenly, the day started to feel colder.

For weeks I went to bed late hoping you’d text me. I woke up earlier than I usually would just in case you texted me late at night after I went to bed. I no longer danced in the shower. Every single love song ever made sense. I finally understood what they all sang about. I no longer sang out loud. I would go over and over in my head what went wrong, what I could’ve done to prevent us from ending. I thought about you so much I would get headaches. When I went to bed, I would still see you in my dreams, the life we had talked about. I thought about at 3am when I was alone in the dark & at 3pm when I was the busiest. I would wonder what I could’ve done different. As time passed, I would no longer cry or think about you in the shower, I would shower so quick I didn’t even have time to sing nor think about you. The songs were just songs now. I would think, can this be it? Is this the end of the misery you put me thru?

You said hi to me a fall night at a friends party, my heart dropped. We talked all night about how life went & what we did. All I could think about is how this is how it should still be. Then I started to realize that you didn’t even realize how you affected me. Because to you, I wasn’t more than a summer fling. I went home that night and reminisced about all the nights I cried over you. All the nights I gave myself headaches thinking about our love and how it all went wrong. I then realized that I wasn’t actually in love with you. I was in love with the thought of you. I was infatuated by the idea of sharing my life with someone.

I started singing in the shower again. Sad songs were just sad songs now. I had lost track of who I was and what I was worth. And ever since I realized that the only love I ever needed was my own. I do thank you for that. I now love who I am and every imperfection i have. I am so selfish with myself now and I don’t want to share myself with anyone ever. Solitude is addicting. Once you get a taste of it, it takes a lot to want to share it again with anyone. I now feel as if no one ever deserves me. The only person who truly deserves me is me and that is exactly who I will share myself with. None of this would’ve been possible If you wouldn’t have broken my heart. And for that I thank you. I now realize God put you in my life to remove you and make me love myself.

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