Trumspiracy Theories

There is a rumor circulating on the Internet that Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign is not simply obnoxious, but a legitimate hoax.
A number of viral, click-bait articles accuse the former front-runner of ulterior motives ranging from hyping his personal brand as a “419 scam” to being a 5th columnist for Hillary Clinton and the Democrats.
America loves its conspiracy theories and thanks to the digital age there is hardly a single event or public figure (past or present) that doesn’t fit into some keyboard sleuth’s personal RICO case.
What makes this theory unique, however, is if it’s revealed to be true, it would actually vindicate The Donald. All of Trump’s antics, his decadence, his xenophobia, his blow-hardness would all become self-parody and go down as the greatest piece of performance art in American history.
While the “Trump Troll” theory is unlikely, it begs an even more important question: Why don’t the rich troll more with their money?
Why does the 1% waste all its pretty pennies on buying elections when they could be purchasing the means of real power? Where is the Lex Luthor level of gumption that Trump or the Koch brothers would like you to believe they have?
With their money, why not buy a small country and live like emperors they know they were destined to be? For that matter, why not the moon?
Where are the robot armies and mind-control satellites? Or any of the other elite schemes for total domination that decades of sci-fi writers and tin-foil-clad conspiracy theorists have been promising us?

The difference between The Simpsons and reality is an optical illusion.

If we have to share a planet of dwindling resources with the ultra-rich, then they should, at the very least, be more creative with their accumulated wealth.
The sad reality, however, is that America’s hyper-bourgeois is too boring, too myopic, and too oatmeal to possess any true greatness of their own, let alone lead us to any kind of greatness on a national level.
If, however, upon completing the oath of office on the day of his inauguration in 2017, the first Gold-American President turned to address the nation and said, in his signature drunk New Jersey plumber patois, “America, you’re fired!” moments before his secret army of subterranean mole people rose from the depths of the earth to begin their thousand year reign of terror — we could all, if nothing else, die impressed.