Here Comes a Man with Guns Blazing!
Can we please stop telling the story of how men are supposed to be, how women are supposed to be, that our prince charming will come, the knight in shining armor will come and take care of everything, that there is a one and only, that I have a soul mate waiting somewhere, that it will happen when we least expect it? It’s fantasy, it makes us feel good, it gives me false hope, sets me up for constant disappointment and sometimes makes me feel less than because I can’t make a relationship stick. Divorced men and women often feel like complete failures and often unworthy. Some are so scared to be alone they don’t actually ever get divorced and stay in the “currently sepearted” category for fear. Or many are petrified they will marry and it won’t work for a 2nd time. I know I am enough. But damn it! we always need to feel comfortable, safe and good that we tell ourselves and eachother anything to avoid reality or discomfort. It’s not fair, it’s a disservice. It’s not always true and it makes us miss out on lessons we need or people we should meet, growth. I don’t believe there is a one and only. I think I will eventually choose someone and he will choose me. I have found that by saying or hearing all of these feel good statements, we get hopeful, we get complacent, we set expectations, we develop thoughts of want and we live somewhere in our heads that hovers over reality. It’s in this space that when the relationship ends we feel like the rug is pulled out from underneath us, like we were blind sided, like we never saw that coming.
The year 2017 started off with a BANG! He is kind, funny, handsome, an active Dad, strong, shows compassion, spontaneous, easy to talk with and attentive. A man that communicates. I felt incredibly safe with him. It felt like he was always watching me, in tune with me, trying to figure me out. His eyes told me ALOT. It was different and it was exciting. He took the bull by the horns. He made himself available. He backed up everything he said with action. I know this will shock many of you singles but he called me on the phone. He figured it out. He called when he could. He knew the only way we really could get to know a person is by having conversations and seeing each other face to face.
This Man created an environment where I could be me, 100%. I could share my truth in a judgement free zone. I didn’t have to worry about how I would be perceived. I could say anything. I could text when I wanted and not worry about being perceived as a stereotypical needy girl. We agreed we had to stay present and not get lost in this. The energy was nuts. It’s hard when it’s intense. He was so good, that I didn’t want to tell anyone about him because I wanted to keep him close and enjoy every second I could because it would likely end.
Here is the thing I have learned about dating, relationships, friendships…. we all show each other who we are but we often see what we want to see which is not usually the reality of it. The “wanting mind” has been written about in many places. For me, this is when we think our unhappiness can be fixed by money, a relationship, a new title, a new job, another person, a new house, a new car, a new vacation, etc. It works in reverse too. We hold on to anger, sadness, jealousy, etc for how we think things ought to be or should have been. This is where we hover over reality, where many of us choose to live. This Man kept showing up, kept telling me his truth, showing me who he was and I thought this is the closest I have ever come to what I want in someone. I saw the elephant in the room, he wasn’t in a good place to start a relationship. We addressed it for a second but then kept walking around it and underneath it. Things were happening fast and I just kept saying “give it time”. If this changes for him, then this will happen for me, us. WANTING! He had some issues in his life. We all do. The great thing is that he knew his and talked about them. Most aren’t so aware. I knew from my personal life experience that this was alot to manage for someone. A lot had shifted recently for him in his personal life…divorce, health, work, etc. We both wanted this to be it. We both wanted to be done with dating. We both wanted things to work out for him personally so we could really see where this would go. We both wanted to travel. We both didn’t want to be alone. We both wanted to have fun. We live in a world where many of us get what we want, when we want it, quickly, without much care or thought to the consequences. It’s how we end up overweight, broke, over spend, miserable. Because, it’s often not what we need. This is partly how I became overweight, how I spent my money and maybe even why my relationships haven’t always worked. We rush things to get to what we think we want so we are comfortable.
At the end of the day focusing on the wanting and acting with hopes of getting what I want just leads to suffering. It’s not real. Thankfully, when wanting thoughts popped in my head, I was able, for the first time, to catch it and say “not reality, wanting” Sometimes, I would say “wanting not reality, screw it” Ha! Thank you YOGA!
The energy changed quickly between us. There was a shift. I felt it, it came quicker than I wanted but if I am honest, I knew it would come so I held on tight while I could. I completely opened up to him, let myself go, he knew that. For the first time in my life, I didn’t put up a wall or hold back. It felt amazing and then it hurt. It’s sad. I won’t lie. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t in the place he wanted to be to start a relationship. I can’t be mad at him for that. He kept showing me and telling me his truth. My guess is he felt unworthy, like he couldn’t continue giving me the attention he was currently giving me. I shined a light on all that wasn’t working for him right now without intending to. He had to put his energy into some crucial things in his personal life. He knew that, he tried, God he tried, he kept showing me and sometimes I was clear about it and sometimes I didn’t choose to be. I have nothing but love and compassion for him because he was honest. He called me, he talked with me about it. He didn’t disappear or blow me off. He ended it with compassion. He will always hold a special place with me because of that. I learned alot from this. I didn’t jump in and try to fix anything. I stayed true to myself. He taught me that as much as it will suck when it ends, there is no other way to experience life than to completley take down the walls, be in it, be real, be honest, don’t hover and just let go.
He and I are both just trying to find our way and for a brief beautiful time we did it together, all in!
Much love,
#22
