Eyes of Innocents
My little granddaughter did something amazing. She is of course always doing the most amazing things. This thing, however, I hope to never ever forget. She gave me back to myself.
She screwed up all her 2 year old courage and placed her hands on either side of my face. This took a lot of courage because Grandma can be sort of pretty scary. This deliberate stopping of my face was so that I would give her my full attention. It worked. My thoughts came to a staggering, screeching halt. I suddenly realised how she was looking at me. A calm, deadly serious demeanor is one that should never be ignored; a look perfected by mothers.
Grandma, I like you lots even though you are very strange. I want you to tell me all the things that you obviously think all the time inside that head. Because you are never really here with me. They must surely be either very important things or things that need a lot of thinking about. Therefore you need to tell me all about them because because because I need to know everything. I see you. Do not try to hide from me. I won’t let you. I also don’t want to be scared of you even though I am a little bit.
She didn’t say a word. I felt utterly transparent. My own children hadn’t ever made me feel this way. It wasn’t about love. It was about letting go. Finally. Of all the things that don’t matter. To just be me, fully present in each moment. To relinquish control, to follow this meandering path of myself honestly and without judgement. To share myself in all its glory and oddity.
I didn’t understand until that moment how much I needed this final piece of the puzzle.
I also didn’t know that Dave Grigger set this to marinating in my mind until I finished writing it (and I’m pretty sure there’s more in connexion with spidey things)— with his piece
Thanks to Jules for providing the trigger…