Journey to Me — update

It has been 6 weeks since my last Medium confession.

It really is beginning to feel like a journey, one that I am no longer anxious about. I cannot imagine where it will take me.

I have been and continue to be on extended leave from work. Fortunately I was eligible for sickness benefits from the government and managed to jump through the requisite number of hoops.

I am living between houses at the moment and have just begun the more arduous task of trying to obtain a rental property for my daughter and I.

Nothing is remotely normal, whatever normal is. I’m trying to find my new normal, discarding ways of being that have never worked or no longer work, and forging new ones. I tried EMDR the once and felt I wasn’t yet open enough to it. So I’m doing my own research and my own therapy, will the full support of my doctor and therapist who I regularly check in with.

I am focused on strengthening the calm and wise adult at the core of me that’s always been there and that I just didn’t give enough credit to because it was boring. I now recognise that my need to feel something, anything, meant that I bounced wildly between being all and nothing. This amazing core of me actually has the resilience to cope with whatever life throws at me if I will just let it and not ignore it.

My other main realisation thus far is that my mind and body are fairly disconnected and need to be re-aligned. My body has stored the sensations of the accumulated trauma and doesn’t know how to let it go. I am investigating the different ways that this might be possible. For now I am taking it gently. I am walking more and have returned to hiking, an interest that I’ve never been able to fully indulge before. This deep connection with nature and the stamina forces my mind and body to work closely together.

I take my camera some of the time, but do not just snap randomly. I am conscious of viewing everything with my artistic eye first, testing potential compositions mentally before I decide to take any actual photos. My art studies have been put on the back burner of course. Most days I feel like I am doing ok if I can achieve a balance of a little required and a lot of enjoyable and enriching activity.

I have found it hard to focus so much on myself and yet not be able to focus much on anything else. I have only started writing again in the last 10 days because I had to write my icebreaker speech for Toastmasters. Writing about yourself is supposed to be an easy topic because you know it so well. Yep…. Well it was a whole lot harder having to tell it to a room full of actual people than writing it on here. I started writing my next speech today and already it starts to be easier.

Some things are very hard to make any firm decisions about, so I’m not pressuring myself about them until I need to. Like work. I honestly don’t know if I will be able to return to the level of focus I need to perform my job properly. Study? I’m no longer sure why I’m doing it. Hopefully it will become clearer in the next couple of months but if it doesn’t it doesn’t. It won’t be the end of the world.

I have been considering the challenge of doing nanowrimo and I finally signed up today. The other thing I’m considering is a trek in Nepal towards the middle of next year. It probably sounds bizarre for me to being considering something that sounds extreme given what I am dealing with but I am having trouble coming up with reasons why not to do it.

I can see I’ll have to write a whole other post about that soon.