10/14/19
Dark marks dot her spine
A constellation of bruises and scars
Some fresh, others faded into soft reminders
Years of anxiety
Trying to hide the stress
The compulsive need to tear her skin from her bones
She faces her back to the wall
Terrified of the judgment
When loving eyes see how she’s torn herself apart
Fears the adoration will turn to disgust
A transition she sees in her dreams every night
One she’s seen too many times in her life
Looking into someone’s eyes as the curtain drops
The ugly truth of her life exposed
She can’t bear to live through this again
So she changes her style
Tells everyone
Lets everyone know about the horrors in her mind
Then nobody can be surprised
Let them judge her before she has to see the expression change
Before she watches the softness in beautiful eyes turn hard
Watches them turn against her
Her anxiety becomes a punchline
To the jokes she uses as barricades
A way to build a wall around herself
Let everyone know her faults but let no one in
A battle plan for love
For life
Her back stays pressed up against the wall
Not knowing who to trust
But hoping that
Some day
Someone will come along with scars like hers
And a tender look in their eyes
Someone she can look at in the same way
I wrote this about a month ago in a moment when I felt stuck between wanting to share myself with someone and not wanting them to know the real me. I think this is something we all struggle with in different relationships throughout our lives as we change and develop as humans. This type of self-consciousness is very personal to me — the scars described are both physical and mental — but I do think it is something everyone has experience with in their own way. I have to remind myself fairly often that the connections we make with others are sometimes painful and don’t always go as we’d hope, but that’s what makes the great ones so fantastic. Vulnerability is okay and is something we shouldn’t have to apologize for. Easier said than done, of course, but something to keep in mind nonetheless.
