10/14/19

Madalyn Shircliff
Nov 8 · 2 min read

Dark marks dot her spine

A constellation of bruises and scars

Some fresh, others faded into soft reminders

Years of anxiety

Trying to hide the stress

The compulsive need to tear her skin from her bones

She faces her back to the wall

Terrified of the judgment

When loving eyes see how she’s torn herself apart

Fears the adoration will turn to disgust

A transition she sees in her dreams every night

One she’s seen too many times in her life

Looking into someone’s eyes as the curtain drops

The ugly truth of her life exposed

She can’t bear to live through this again

So she changes her style

Tells everyone

Lets everyone know about the horrors in her mind

Then nobody can be surprised

Let them judge her before she has to see the expression change

Before she watches the softness in beautiful eyes turn hard

Watches them turn against her

Her anxiety becomes a punchline

To the jokes she uses as barricades

A way to build a wall around herself

Let everyone know her faults but let no one in

A battle plan for love

For life

Her back stays pressed up against the wall

Not knowing who to trust

But hoping that

Some day

Someone will come along with scars like hers

And a tender look in their eyes

Someone she can look at in the same way


I wrote this about a month ago in a moment when I felt stuck between wanting to share myself with someone and not wanting them to know the real me. I think this is something we all struggle with in different relationships throughout our lives as we change and develop as humans. This type of self-consciousness is very personal to me — the scars described are both physical and mental — but I do think it is something everyone has experience with in their own way. I have to remind myself fairly often that the connections we make with others are sometimes painful and don’t always go as we’d hope, but that’s what makes the great ones so fantastic. Vulnerability is okay and is something we shouldn’t have to apologize for. Easier said than done, of course, but something to keep in mind nonetheless.

Madalyn Shircliff

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