How is it you still believe in me?

“I know perfectly well I’m not where I should be”

I broke your heart.

You’ll never understand how sorry I am that I had to do that to you.

It was selfish, incredibly selfish. But I had to look out for myself — for my mental health.

During our relationship, everything felt so much better than I had ever felt. How was I supposed to know that when I wasn’t depressed, things would be different? Hell, how was I supposed to know I was still depressed?

I never meant to hurt you. I thought everything I felt was complete — but now that I’m complete, I see that it wasn’t.

I relied on you. I leaned on you too much. Everything good in my life happened because of you, at least in my eyes, and that meant you were everything good in my life. How could I let go of that? I wanted it — I wanted you — forever.

But then I got better.

I saw everything in a new light. New shades of new colors. New feelings, much purer than I had ever felt before.

I suddenly realized you weren’t everything good in my life, because I was. I was the reason I had gotten those promotions, those amazing professors, those connections.

I knew in that moment I had to let you go.

But how could I do that to you when I had made these promises to both of us?

Eventually, I took a breath and did it. And it hurt. It hurt to cut you so deep. I mean you had been everything good in my life.

But I knew I couldn’t lean on you anymore. It was bad for me. You had become toxic.

I’ll always love you. You were everything good. You are everything good. But you don’t understand. You’ll never understand what I’ve gone through as much as you try.

That makes me toxic to you — I don’t want you to have to try.

I promise you, I meant everything I said. But I can’t mean that anymore. Things are different. I’m different. I’m really me now.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I put you in the position to be hurt. I’m sorry I was the one to hurt you. I’m sorry that I hurt you every day.

I’m sorry that I can’t be with you anymore.

I’m not sorry, though, that I’m better. That I fought this thing and won. That I listened to the people around me when they talked with me through what I needed to do.

I’m not sorry about all of these incredible things I’m feeling. It feels like I just tasted chocolate for the first time.

I’m so grateful that I got to be part of your story and so grateful you were part of mine. I think we helped each other grow — something we both need to do some more of. But separately now.

I’m grateful for the memories we made that I’ll cherish forever. I’m grateful for your undying love, even now. I’m grateful for everything we had.

I love you.

I can’t be in love with you.

“And after all I’ve promised you, so faithfully you still believe in me.”