An Ode to Failure
For what seems like the billionth time, I have failed at obtaining something substantial. I had worked towards this achievement for a long time, and was completely destroyed when I was eliminated in the application process. I have wanted to write this piece since I was able to fully process the crushing news, after the sting of rejection was not as fresh. This experience has helped me come to a few conclusions about failure.
The first conclusion is that, without a doubt, failure absolutely sucks.
I think it is the worst feeling in the world. Not being enough. Not having quite enough gusto, or enthusiasm, or experience as the person next to you who didn’t fail. Rejection is felt in the absolute darkest and most vulnerable parts of the human soul, and is capable of changing a person in bizarre ways.
If you allow the dark side to seduce you (Star Wars fans, are you out there?), this rejection becomes yet another reason for you to pity yourself. Self-abuse gives a certain kind of sick satisfaction, especially while in an already cheerless mental state. You become capable of lying to yourself and others, in order to shield the exposed, vulnerable parts of your soul from more damage. You will eventually tell yourself, “They just don’t see my value. I’m too good for that job anyway.”
Two days after receiving the news, I realized all I was doing was promoting more toxicity. I was lying to myself.
Undoubtedly, I did not possess the qualities necessary for the position I wanted, compared to the next individual who applied. Was there anything beneficial about equivocating the reasons for which I was rejected to myself?
Was I going to just sit around, feel sorry for myself, and decide not to improve on my own personal shortcomings? It certainly would be the least painful of my options; I could allow the vulnerable parts of my soul, raw and torn from their refusal, to callous over and heal harshly.
I’ve decided, instead, to tear deeper into this wound. To slice as deep as I can, in order to find true freedom from my self-resentment, weaknesses, and failures.
This leads me to my next conclusion: failure is the most powerful motivator.
If you are strong enough in the face of failure, and do not find yourself lost in an ocean of self-pity and resentment, there is hope for you. By building up your tolerance to criticism, and willingly asking for constructive commentary on your performances, you will be able to benefit from your failures. By viewing yourself as a consistent work in progress, one that is always developing, improving, and revolutionizing, you can release yourself from the addiction to poisoning your psyche.
Motivating yourself to do better tomorrow, using your failures as a stimulant, is the most healthy way you can react to an undesirable outcome today.
Failure has always been my worst fear. I think that the fear of failure has kept me from truly living my life the way it is supposed to be lived. I will allow this no longer. It is easy to see life as nothing more than a series of failures, but I prefer to see it as a funky game of trial and error. You try, you lose, you try harder. Sometimes you still lose, and when that happens you must find it within yourself to try even harder. Eventually, you have to win.
Unbroken, relentless innovation, through the virtue of introspection. That is the one goal that I will be unapologetically reaching towards, every day.
