Where to begin? I’m probably going to struggle to be concise and offer anything of value on here but I probably feel like I need to vent somewhere, even if only into the void.
The last 5 months have been some of the most chastening of my adult life and certainly of my professional career. It has left me depressed, full of self doubt and put untold pressure on those immediately around me.
I took a job with <redacted> last August. It seemed like a good fit, with talented, experienced people (more talented and experienced than I was at least!) and a good plan to build a new division of the company and I was to help formulate the strategy for that.
Whilst there were early warning signs that things might not be all too well (too many to bore you with) we all committed to the plan and went out to develop that and take it to market. However, machinations of those above us have proven to be the undoing of this idea and made it fail to launch.
Now, I find myself in the throws of buying a house, without a job, an income, a sense of self and a fear of whether I have the wherewithal to overcome these issues.
Whilst there are days where I have huge appetite and hunger to get myself out of my situation, there are other days where I am so weighed down by despair that even motivation to turn on the kettle disappears.
When you are a 20 year old man without a sense of direction, you feel like you’re on a journey and you’re looking for a sign that will lead you to greatness and success. When that same problem hits when you’re 30, you feel the weight of your own past heavy on your shoulders, burdening you with doubt. The only real ability you have is to second guess every decision that has lead to the point where you are at now. The fundamental question of “How do I get out of this fucking mess?” suddenly becomes “Am I capable of getting out of this fucking mess?”
Whilst I have started helping a youngster with his GCSEs to give my week shape and meaning, the truth is, I don’t know what my future holds and that is genuinely terrifying when you have people who ostensibly rely on you to be a good partner, son, brother, uncle etc.
Right now I’m not sure I like me very much, but I’m the only one who can change those circumstances. I’m not in anyway sure how writing this down is going to help, other than to free myself of some bile. It helped.