My Pretty Little Weapon

Beyoncé was right when she belted out pretty hurts. Pretty does hurt. I’m wearing evidence in the form of the gash on my right calve. My razor is supposed to make me look better but ironically it’s made me look worse. I cut my leg, it hurt, and all of this because I wanted to have smooth pretty legs, which is a must — as you all know — because hairy legs are no Bueno if you’re a woman planning to wear skirts, shorts, and dresses this summer. I could easily blame this on Gillette, since they promised me smooth completely hairless beautiful legs but that wouldn’t be fair. After all we all know that anything that sounds too good to be true often is. It’s been established many times that these types of gimmicks — the ones that promise a stellar result — almost always requires unforeseen work and that’s of course if you’re able to actually do it the right way.

Besides any tool that specifically advertises that it has 5 sharp blades for the primary purpose of cutting close to the skin — is one that should be yielded with caution and absolute precision. Therefore I cannot blame the razor for doing what it said it would do. After all it did cut close to my skin it just cut way too close… Gillette warned me that it would. I should have listened. I also should’ve realized that despite its’ small size this tool is dangerous. It doesn’t just get rid of hair, but when placed in the wrong hands (like mine for instance) it can do some awful damage.

As it turns out — despite the fact that human body hair functions as our body’s outer skin protection — even in the beginning of time we thought it necessary to develop a tool to cut it all off. It makes perfect sense too. I mean we have a military specifically designed to protect us from harm, but for whatever reason when it comes to the skin which comes in contact with millions of harmful things every single day — we’d rather be defenseless. We don’t like the way hair looks or how it feels. Actually perhaps I should’ve prefaced that to say that we don’t like hair unless and only if the hair pertains to the head including hair growing from our scalp, eyebrow hair, and on men hair around the lips, chin, and for some — that look like Wolverine from X-Men — hair on the sides of the face is sufficient as well. Hair in any other location outside of the head, and especially on women, is a no-no. And really this isn’t anything new. We’ve had razors since the beginning of time, and as far as I’m concerned this means we’ve been shaving far longer than not shaving. The only difference is that the razor looks a lot different from the way it looked back then.

A LITTLE HISTORY ON RAZOR’S

The first modern razor was dubbed the straight razor, which is basically a razor with a blade that can fold into its handle. Then came the disposable razor — which a lot of us still use — and it which looks kind of like straight razors but with disposable blades and hence the name, once you use these razors they go right into the trash. Then of course Jacob Schick just had to create an enhanced version of the straight razor when he designed the first electric razor in 1928. Honestly I had no clue that even back then man-made technology was rearing it’s head — the electrical razor head — because I mean it’s just a razor, why even make the effort to enhance it? It didn’t stop with him though… The Remington Rand company enhanced Schick’s electrical razor 9 years later. Unlike the previously created inferior razors — electric razors can be used on wet or dry skin, without the need of shaving cream, soap, etc and it’s safe. With a rotating blade often powered by a DC motor or a rechargeable battery you can remove hair from the skin with ease. The problem? It just doesn’t cut as close. Maybe for my right leg’s sake this would have been the better option.

That simple name doesn’t sound cool enough to describe the hand-held thing that cuts us and beautifies us at the same time.

Before razors were straight, disposable, or electric, razors were generally oval in shape, with a small tang protruding from one of the short end and consisted of bronze or obsidian material. This was back in the bronze ages. In the prehistoric era, clam shells, shark teeth, and flint were sharpened and used to shave with. We know this because there were drawings of blades found in prehistoric caves. In fact despite the fact that it’s 2015 some native tribes still use flint to shave because there aren’t CVS’s, Rite Aids or Walgreens in the middle of jungles. If that doesn’t prove how we’ve always had something to cut our hair off consider that excavations in Egypt have unearthed what’s described as solid gold and copper tools that were used for shaving purposes, in tombs dating back to 4th millennium BC.

However the first modern razor-that actually looks close to our razor and not like a tool cavemen used or a tool that a jungle-bred MacGyver could concoct — was created in Sheffield England in the 18th and 19th centuries. This razor was described as having decorated handles and hollow ground blades. We should dub Benjamin Huntsman as Razor Blade founder, being that he developed the first superior hard steel grade, through a special crucible process, that became suitable for use as the blade material in 1740. The only problem is that it was rejected in England. In fact it wasn’t embraced until English Manufacturers saw the razor’s success in France.

However the razor, like a lot of stuff back then, was included in the list of stuff that clearly defined the haves and have-nots in society. In the 18th and 19th century only the rich had the privilege of using the tool. In fact the rich had the audacity to make the “poor” shave them. The only saving grace is that servants/slaves weren’t forced to shave every day. In fact it wasn’t until after World War I that people decided that just shaving sometimes was not enough. During World War I men were required to shave daily so their gas masks would fit properly and with the invention of the disposable safety razor which was standard issue during the war this made shaving every day easier. When soldiers came home, they continued the ritual, and transformed the war ritual to a daily grooming ritual. Ridding themselves of mustaches, beards and the like just looked better. Too bad this memo wasn’t delivered last year when men decided they looked better with thick heavy beards. It’s amazing how different a man looks with a thick beard — and I don’t know if “better-looking” is the right way to describe it. I’ll say this: the razor can transform Yu Zhenhuan (the hairiest man alive) into a man resembling a clean-cut fresh looking James Bond. That is the power of the blades.

THE DOUBLE EDGE SWORD

Unfortunately with all power comes great responsibility. The razor happens to responsible for all the people walking around with nicks, cuts, bumps, and burns. As a tribute, we’ve even developed cream and medicine to soothe razor wounds, and itchy skin. Google “help I got cut by my razor” and you’ll see a list of common techniques to you deal with the nasty gash too. Yet for some reason we call this dreadful thin — this tool — a razor. That simple name doesn’t sound cool enough to describe the hand-held thing that cuts us and beautifies us at the same time. Perhaps that’s because very rarely do we assign a dual purpose object a name capable of conjuring two opposing functions. Actually I stand corrected there is a razor that kind of achieves this. They’re called Double Edge razors. Apparently these razors offer a great close shave with less maintenance and time than a straight edge. They also offer the protection of a safety bar and while I have no real clue how using this product means less hair maintenance (doesn’t hair grow back at the same rate no matter what type of razor you use to cut it off???) the fact that it’s safe does seem to offset the dangers in shaving close to the skin.

This provides the illusion that you are unarmed. A razor is just that discreet and powerful.

Fun fact: Straight razors with open steel blades were once called cut-throats. I really do believe most people only used cut-throats to shave. However I’m going to have to wager that some people used the razor for other purposes, like cutting throats, or slashing faces because let’s face it the name cut-throats didn’t come from nowhere. Besides, if you think about it the razor is the perfect weapon — it’s sleek, small, and lethal especially if you get a razor with 5 sharp blades, like the one I had — and believe me I didn’t even use much pressure when I slid the razor up and down the slope of my leg. It still hurt and resulted in a never-ending stream of red blood and a gash. I can only imagine the results if one used the razor as a weapon with the intention to harm and potentially kill.

TOOL OR WEAPON?

In fact from a historical standpoint the razor was used as a weapon… After the Civil War, laws were passed throughout the South that limited the rights of African Americans to keep or bear arms legally, which resulted in many African Americans relying on the razor. Since there was nothing in the law about razors — after all the tool was specifically meant for personal grooming — it was not banned. This is how the razor became the perfect weapon for African Americans that were prohibited from using knives and guns. In fact in 1871 article in the Fort Wayne Daily Sentinel emphasized how common it was for African Americans during that time to carry razors as weapons. These days no group is legally banned from carrying arms-provided they aren’t criminals — and yet the razor is still used as a weapon.

James Keating has devoted a website to razor fighting in which he marvels and graphically describes the many ways in which one can use a razor in a fight. I also remember my mother — who grew up fighting — telling me stories during my childhood of her fights, when she’d use the razor and conceal it in her mouth on days when she knew she’d most likely engage in a fight — how she knew I don’t know. The technique she used is also a common technique practiced in prison fights that people refer to as “that blade trick”. To achieve this trick you turn the razorblade so that it’s flat with the razor positioned backwards, and the blade-side facing forward, then place the non-blade side between the teeth, keeping your tongue under the blade of the razor(way under) and then clench your teeth together tightly — so that the the non-sharp razor side is unable to move around. This provides the illusion that you are unarmed. A razor is just that discreet and powerful. Your opponent will never know what slashed them. Some might consider this unethical, I imagine. I’m more concerned about the people that try this trick and do it wrong and slice their tongues in the process.

IN CONCLUSION

Fortunately most use razors for the sole purpose of removing hair since we love smooth hairless skin. Well that is unless you’re Yasmin Gasimova, and decide to write an essay called “I Don’t Shave and I’m Not Going To Start,” and spark all this controversy because you tell us what a lot of us already know about shaving: that it’s painful and time consuming. When she came to this realization she stopped using her razor, the rest of us, despite knowing this about shaving, still shave.