Airlines Are Now Banning Mendota Springs’ Sparkling Water For Explosive Qualities


Citing the refreshing drink’s tendency to explode after a mild jostling, airlines across the country are racing to ban Mendota Springs water onboard flights according to people that are stuck standing in line looking at the prohibited items list. Authorities say the fizzy explosions could cause some sort of minor dissatisfaction to passengers and a perhaps give a little delight from individuals outside of the bottle’s ‘splash zone.’

“I think it’s the right thing to do,” said Joanna Fitchburg, a frequent Delta flier. “One time I smuggled one of those things into the movie theater and all of the knocking around in my purse caused so much carbonation that the thing exploded. I never did get to see how The Avengers Age if Ultron ended since the staff kicked me out, but it’s honestly okay, the movie seemed pretty shitty anyways…”

When asked why the ban came on all of sudden, one spokesman for Frontier Airlines said there was an incident sparking the crackdown at bosses cookout last Sunday.

“Yeah, I guess someone thought it would be pretty funny to shake up all of the sparkling water bottles in her cooler,” said Chad Ramero, the only Frontier guy that seemed to have an answer for the controversial ban. “Apparently it was a kid that opened up the first bottle of Mendota Springs and he still hasn’t woken up from the coma.”

Scientists have published studies for years about the dangers of sparkling water shake-ups, especially those from Mendota Springs, however no one reads professional studies anymore so the public had no idea.

“Man I think it’s bullshit,” said Hamilton Conner, another passenger departing from MSP this morning. “Those things are goddamned refreshing, and as long as you make sure they don’t get shaken up in your bag, they only blow up a little bit when you open ‘em. Yah gotta open slowly!!”

Mendota Springs refused to comment on the ban, however they did give us a free case of water bottles which we have left outside in case of explosion.