I forgive my former abuser. Here’s why.
Recently, after over ten years, I was finally able to let go of my hatred and forgive my abusive ex-husband (I refer to this experience in another Medium essay, A Mother Without Custody). I hadn’t thought it possible, given the irreparable damage he caused me and our children. We aren’t best buddies, there’s no way we can ever get back what we once shared, but I now see him as a decent person who takes responsibility for what he did and again remember the person I fell in love with many years ago.
In his words:
“The most haunting statement ever directed to me in my life is, “I hope you never do to another woman what you did to me.”
What did I do ? I don’t know the statistics but I would guess that more than half the men who end up divorced look back and say, ”That was as good as it ever gets.” or “How did I screw up such a good thing?” Well, it took a long time for me. When I met my ex-wife I was an alcoholic, three years sober. We were married a short time later and I remember telling her I had been abused as a child but that as long as I stayed sober all would be well. And it really was most of the time. But I’m sure that my paranoid controlling behavior was a red flag, when she stayed out later than I thought was “acceptable”, or hung out with friends I didn’t “approve” of. She was regularly involved with community theatre projects long before I met her and I made her feel guilty for spending so much time on it. I “made” her quit, only after hounding her about it until she gave it up, just wanting to shut me up.
The whole time we were married I thought it was normal to scream and flip out over something now long forgotten. This was so often what I had seen as a child that I just thought it was how marriage worked. There were many times when I pursued her through the house ranting and raving when she just wanted to get away from my threatening and frightening behavior. I once broke down a door to get her out of a bathroom, where she tried to take refuge from my tirade. A few times she jumped out of a moving car because I was swerving around to scare her. But the truth was I couldn’t see that these were recurring problems in my behavior that were rooted deeper than I knew. I didn’t realize until years later that she felt like a prisoner in her own home.
I would be remiss if I did not include the fact that I used the Bible and the church as a pry bar to get what I wanted. Yes, I had turned into “one of those people.”
I was so focused on myself. What are my needs and wants? The same program that got me sober ended up being exactly what I needed to become a relationship-worthy person, one in which both people feel loved and supported by their partner. I would be okay when I was working a regular program of quality sobriety. But I often left that prescription and turned to the church because it helped me validate my controlling behavior and gave me a convenient excuse to continue abusing her.
Even though we were together longer than any one else I had ever been with, it had been a pattern for me to get into relationships, undermine them, and move on again and again. But with her, I had children and they ended up having to deal with the sad consequences of my conduct. I was awarded custody due to the fact that she was suffering from a number of symptoms from the abuse: anxiety, insomnia, and depression. Shamefully, I used those very things against her in order to continue my manipulative behavior.
Many of these same symptoms would come to haunt me when I finally relented to her pleas to have full time custody of the kids because I couldn’t bear the guilt anymore. I finally couldn’t ignore the damage I had caused her and the kids. They missed her and resented me. Then I discovered being a single parent and trying to make ends meet while raising children alone was too much for me to handle. For the last seven years I’ve been grappling with the burden of depriving my children of a two-parent home.
Today I work through a program that helps me learn to think of others first. She once told me, “You were definitely a wonderful, attentive partner when you actively worked the program”. But I had not yet learned to stay focused on my recovery. I have spent eleven years as a single guy and only ten months ago I finally decided to let my two youngest children live with her, without protest, because it was the right thing to do. I knew in my heart that this would give back a little bit of what I had taken away from her and the children.
Two months after sending the children out to live with her I began to go through a major depression, accompanied by anxiety, and insomnia. The insomnia got so bad that I was only getting two hours of sleep a night, eventually leading to audible and visual hallucinations. I immediately identified with what my ex-wife experienced during our time together. It took two months of personal torment and two months to recover from that “dark night of the soul.” I do have a quality recovery now but will never forget what happened during those months. I can now only imagine how hard it must be for women in abusive relationships.
If you are someone in a relationship and think YOU are the one who should make all the decisions, blame your partner for every real or imagined slight you think you have suffered, if you believe it is okay to chase your partner through the house yelling at them even after they have tried to get away from you, if you seem unable to trust anyone and at the same time have a hard time looking in the mirror, then you are probably headed toward the same outcome as I was over ten years ago. If you have the presence of mind to reflect on your own behavior and the damage it causes, it’s not too late. The sobriety program I use (doesn’t matter which one, but you may take a guess) has been a tremendous help in my recovery not only from alcoholism, but also for dealing with life on life’s terms. I do not wish to shut the door on the past but freely admit my guilt and have tried to make amends to those I have hurt. I am still not immune to the insecurities and fears that seem to continually escort me through this life. But how I react to them has changed for the better.
Recently, I was able to ask for her forgiveness in earnest, admitting all the pain I caused her and naming the specific behaviors, my choices, that caused her pain and our children to suffer. She was able to accept my apology and forgive me. I couldn’t imagine spending a lifetime carrying this burden or carrying it to the grave. Now I feel hope for my future and such a relief that this was even possible.
Brian S., June 2014"
One chapter closes, another begins.
