If I died right now: May 13, 2015

my table flowers, mother’s day 2015

Early tomorrow morning, I’m having a brain angiogram to check on my badass aneurysms. A stent repaired the large one, so they check it periodically to make sure it’s intact and healing properly. Then they check the small one to see if it’s growing. Each time I go, I’m acutely reminded of my mortality and how fragile life is. So here I inventory things I’m thinking about if it’s my time to go in the operating room.

Last time I ate was 9pm earlier tonight. McDonald’s of all things. But it was the only thing nearby as I was at the laundromat. I have 7 minutes left to finish my wine, as I’m not supposed to eat or drink anything after midnight. Down the hatch!

I’m tired and ready to get this over with.

I was very sad about my boyfriend earlier. They say don’t let the sun go down on your anger, but it’s more like, don’t allow significant others to make you cry for an hour. Turns out we had a ridiculous misunderstanding that turned out to be a technology fail. He will be with me when I wake up (or not) from anesthesia, for which I am grateful.

My newly potted plants are thriving. I’m sure they will die if I die, too. No one takes care of my plants around here.

The house is…. not terrible. Living with teenagers, it’s a constant battle against clutter that looks like the aftermath of a frat party.

There are pretty flowers on the table that I cut from a large bouquet and divided among various vases and bottles, including a few shot glasses (shown in title photo).

I haven’t seen my family in three years and that would suck because I was planning on seeing them in two weeks.

I have no living will, and I’m regretting that. You’d think I would have squared that away already. Wondering how things will play out if I expire.

Let’s pretend I did leave final wishes — I leave all end of life decisions to my oldest child.

Heart still broken over my divorce, which has still not been finalized after almost two years. I am healing, though. I’m at peace that the healing trajectory is at least going in the right direction.

There’s money for my kids. They’ll be okay. I am relieved.

My room never did get clean, DAISY (middle child, with whom I share my bedroom).

I worry about the kids, where will they go, what will they do. Nothing I can do about it. Assured that they will be okay, they are smart and resourceful and have a strong support system.

Even though my boyfriend will be with me, I don’t mind if I’m alone when I die. We are born alone, we die alone. I am at peace with this.

What will happen to all the photos I have on my laptop? I suppose the ones I’ve already shared on social media are good enough to satisfy my friends and family.

Please, for the love of all things sacred, I hope I’m not embalmed or cremated. I want to go directly in the ground in a biodegradable shroud. Turn to loam. Sublime.

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