answer me.

There are many things I want to ask you.

Last night, I got a zero on a physics final, the one we have yet to take. A second chance, refused — violently.

“I earned this,” was the shout, “I earned this — because this zero — is happiness. This zero — is moments blissfully wasted. This zero — is every single mistake I’ve made in the past two years — every mistake I’d repeat willingly. This zero is all I am in the minds of everyone for whom I am only a number, and for once, I am proud of the person they will see. This is sleepless nights, dryer sheets, emptiness; a small child fencing an invisible man — holds an icicle like a sword. I wouldn’t trade it in for anything.”

The hidden camera psychology student was annoyed at the sudden complexity I unwittingly added to his experiment on self-confidence, and so I sat there sobbing in the hallway forgotten. I wanted to forget too. If only it were really a zero. Why couldn’t it have actually been a zero?

…and being awake. Confused. Why do I want so desperately to have and be nothing? Why am I too afraid to earn for myself the nothingness?

John Proctor, oh, yes — I wish I were John Proctor. I wish I could be nothing and everything. I wish I could have such faith in the God who neither of us understands. I wish I could love my morals more than my life. for it is my name. take it all, but not my name. I’ve always hated my name, it’s too common, ordinary.

I was praying for you that night when we sat there, in the dark. I am always praying for you, although, sometimes it feels more like I’m praying for myself. My paper was blank, but we all knew, anyway. It burned, and we all knew, as we sat there, at the foot of the tabernacle, exactly whose name I was burning.

Sometimes, all is singular though. We is empty. Sure, there were bodies, but they knew nothing. Sure, there were minds, but they can’t see me. They can never see me. Sometimes, now, I wonder if you could, or if you were just like the rest of them.

after all this time.

I don’t love you today, but I don’t love myself today either. I hope you can understand.

Study Guide Questions:

1. Do you understand?