To Women Who Kick Ass At Everything (Except Dating)
This is a letter to amazing women.
You know you’re a key player at your job. You can’t remember the last time you felt like you needed more friends.
You’re educated, you have fun, and you have an awesome life in almost every way.
But when it comes to dating… things fall apart.
Don’t get me wrong — you look great. You go to yoga on the regular and your fashion sense shows off your hard work.
The guys you attract are good looking, smart, funny, and successful.
But these guys either end up being assholes, or complete pansies who need you to be their mother.
And you don’t know why!
Well, let me “preach” for a minute girl:
You’re attracting emotionally unskilled dudes because your emotional landscape is giving off the wrong vibe.
What the fuck does that mean? Let’s break it down.
As a woman, most of the time men approach you, rather than the other way around.
Even though you don’t follow the standard “women can never approach men” BS, that’s just how things usually happen.
So you don’t directly control what guys end up talking to you on any given night out. Or any day out, living your life, for that matter.
What you DO control — at least in the long run- is what kind of “vibe” you are giving off.
And that vibe DEFINITELY plays a huge role in what type of men approach you.
But let’s start with an easier test: if you’re currently in a relationship (or just going on dates consistently), how do you tell if the relationship is a healthy one?
How To Tell If The Relationship Is Healthy Or Toxic
The important questions are:
- Is this relationship a “fuck yes”? Or a no?
- Is this relationship feeding you positive energy in your life, or draining you?
Don’t over intellectualize these questions. Go with your gut!
When things are good, life in that relationship feels easy. Natural. Flowing.
Sure, you’ve got to muster up the courage to be vulnerable, to communicate your needs, to put out healthy boundaries. But when you do these important things, you find that your partner responds well.
He smiles, he laughs, he maybe gets a bit upset, but in the end you are both better off because of your honest communication and his respect for you.
When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, either there is not enough honest communication of emotions, wants, boundaries, and needs…
…or there IS communication, but the other partner isn’t changing their behavior in response to your feedback.
Emotional Health Examples
Example #1: The Classic Dry Vagina Scenario
You’re in bed. You’re with your boyfriend, and you’re horny, but there’s one problem — things are SUPER dry “down there.”
As in, having sex right now would be painful. And you don’t have any lube.
You have two choices:
- Communicate what you are physically feeling to your boyfriend.
- Don’t say anything.
- Choice #1 is the healthy choice that puts your needs first, ahead of your partner’s wants.
- Choice #2 is the unhealthy choice that put your partner’s perceived wants ahead of your felt needs.
- (Choice #3, go to the store and buy lube, isn’t an option today. Pretend there was a blizzard!)
OK, so you done good and told your BF, “Hey, I’m super dry. I love you and I want you, but now isn’t a good time.”
That was what you could control — being honest about your needs. Now, how does your partner react?
Reaction #1 aka “this is what you want”: He’s a bit disappointed, but his actions are supportive. He says, “It’s OK” and rubs your back. Maybe you cuddle. Maybe you get some food together.
Regardless of the actions involved, in some way he communicates to you: “I love you and I respect the boundary you put up around sex right now. I’m glad you told me — even if I have blue balls at the moment.”
Reaction #2 aka “Fuckboy Alert”: He acts like a baby. He gets angry, irritated, or sad. He either blames you, accuses you, or feels like you’re insulting him.
This can happen either because he thinks you are lying (trust issues!!!) or because he doesn’t respect your boundaries. Or because he takes everything in the world (including your dry vagina) as a personal insult to him.
If anything other than option #1 and reaction #1 happens, the relationship is unhealthy — and you should either have a serious talk about things, or you should break things off.
Example #2: The Red Wine Test
The most literal example of the “red wine test” is when you accidentally-on purpose spill a glass of red wine on a man to see how he reacts.
The idea is that he has no time to put up a front. In the moment, you’ll see his true colors. Aka, does he deal with it in a mature way, or be an angry little Fuck Boy?
However, the concept of the “red wine test” can be applied to other areas of life without intentionally wasting good wine. Just use the idea of seeing how a guy emotionally reacts to small things that go wrong.
For example: if you’re in a car together, how does he react to a traffic jam ?
Reaction #1, aka “Get On This Dick!”: He is calm. He still listens well to you, he drives responsibly, and he might even make a joke about the traffic.
Reaction #2: aka “Just Another Fuck Boy”: He gets pissed off or surly.
“Fucking traffic,” he gripes. “Why can’t all these people just get off the fucking road?”
Remember: people almost always treat the small things exactly how they treat the big things.
If this dude is bitching about traffic, how do you think he’s going to handle something ACTUALLY important in your life?
Your Beliefs About Love Stem From Your Parents, And Shape Your Dating Life
If a guy throws a temper tantrum on the highway, I really pray that you see that as a clear “red flag” with “emotional disaster” written all over it.
But let’s be brutally honest: you might be addicted to guys that treat you poorly.
On some level, you are accepting his behavior or your own as “OK”. This is usually an issue of self-worth.
You think (unconsciously):
- “Well, Mom only gave me love when I shut up about my needs and catered to her. So that’s what love is.”
- Or — “Dad’s opinion was almost always right. I’m not really that smart — love means I have to go with other’s opinions over my own.”
- Or even “I fought with Dad and Mom all the time. That’s what LOVE is.”
When you have this unconscious belief system about what “love” should be, you’re broadcasting that through your body language, word choices, expressions, etc for everyone to hear.
And the guys who have a childhood dynamic that “fits” with yours are unconsciously the ones you feel a romantic chemistry with.
There’s No Going Back
Until you change your underlying beliefs about yourself and about what romantic relationships should look and feel like, you’re going to continue to have shitty dating experiences.
There are no “surface level” fixes here.
You don’t need a better butt. You aren’t going to the wrong places. You aren’t texting him back too soon, or not being assertive enough, or whatever else you think it is.
You gotta change your emotional landscape around dating.
If any of this seems arrogant, I understand. Who the fuck am I to be lecturing you?
All I can say is this: I used to attract women who were emotionally numb, or emotionally toxic. Either that or we would just have a physical connection, and nothing more.
But then I discovered and consistently practiced meditation (along with a few key emotional health habits).
Since then, I’ve found that my emotional health, and the emotional health of the women I’ve attracted, has gone WAY UP.
And let me tell you ladies — once you have a truly loving, supportive, communicative relationship… you’ll never want to go back.
You’ll feel so much stronger. So much safer. So much more connected.
So much less lonely.
That’s my story, and I hope it can help you.