THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Yesterday Dec 5 begins the annual Oppress the Christians Through the War on Christmas Campaign. I do love it. I usually sneak up to nativity scenes and steal the Baby Jesus and replace him with a backgammon set. or canned squid. A couple of years ago I replaced the Baby Jesus with a busted F150 alternator.

I also like to place the shepherds in compromising positions. I had one cheat on his taxes, but get caught in a job interview. I positioned another one in an Obama 2012 T-Shirt while he was at Cracker Barrel.

My favorite though is to put horns on Joseph. Everybody loves that one. I don’t fuck with Maria. She’s a PoC womyn who made the Assumption. That is one smooth talking Divinity. Not the candy. I’d give up my virginity for the candy. Do you know how hard it is to make that shit? And you can’t do it in humid places! I’m talking about The Lord. Can you imagine that argument.

“WTF Joseph! He said he was G-D! I assumed it was the Truth!

Then during Hanukkah, I have my Jewish friends crank call all the Baptist and Pentecostal Churches — “Say, do you have olive oil in a bottle….?” Gets ’em every time.

My other favorite thing to do during the Annual Oppress the Christians Through The War on Christmas Campaign is to get my swarthy lookin’ Muslim friends to go in groups of three (In Isa’s name of course) down to the neonatal units, where the new mommies and daddies are bringing their new born babies. My friends will ask “Say, you got a boy child there?” If the couple says yes, I’ve instructed my friends to offer this “Look, you give us the boy child, and we’ll give you a thousand dollar gift certificate to Harrahs”. Harrahs/Herod. They don’t get it. But is sure is fun to oppress the Christians for twenty days every December.

One year, we hacked Wheel of Fortune so that every puzzle spelled out

“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!” Lemme give you a hint. Both words start with “H” and there ain’t a damn thing merry about it. The only thing merry about this time of year is Oppressing the Christians.

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