He’s Tough

Yea, you better look out for this guy here, ol’ Burt, whale of a guy, huh? Size 15 feet down there, American feet, fast as a malamute, knock you out in one punch. Trained in the Arctic, Burt, for one month, just to toughen up. They say the friction between his feet and the glaciers up there — you know what a glacier is? It’s a great, big ice cube — they say the friction between his feet and those great big ice cubes up there generated so much heat, he melted the glaciers right away and they had to evacuate New York! That’s true, that’s what they said, from Queens to Staten Island, everyone had to go! Off to Canada, most of them, before the icy waters flooded the whole town, all 300 sq. miles! Under water in a day, they say! The whole place, Queens to Staten Island! Thousands dead by the initial count, hundred thousand by the end of the week, my goodness! Can you imagine? Every avenue, filled with bodies, looked like a million River Styx! I had a sister in New York, you know, a real doll, Margaret, real easy on the eyes they say, a real beaut! Happy as a clam, but not too much of fighter her, no, couldn’t get through the crowds to the boats, can you believe it? A bunch of overall wearing fellas muscled her out, didn’t stand a chance, poor Margaret, probably drowned there nearly immediately. They say a 250 lb man stepped on her face to claim the last spot in the little raft before the rope broke and swept them all away, lucky lads! Never did find her body either, much to the distress and worry of our dear mother, bless her soul. Too expensive to recover everyone, better to just let them all wash back to sea, that’s what the Governor said. Played a mighty fine song for the poor chaps though, they did, who were too slow or weak to get out, Margaret included, before the great blue sea took them to see George Washington at the pearly gates. Awful sad, seeing all those children, inflated to near bursting with water, their mothers faces wet with tears, if not wet with icy glacier water themselves. Worst tragedy to hit the city in a hundred years, worse than the ‘12 Yankees I heard someone say, and those guys acted like they’d never seen a ball field in their lives, embarrassed the whole city that year. But yes, I was there as the last body was drug out into the Hudson by the massive pump they had to buy to suck all the water from those old streets, and watched as she tumbled trough the shallow water against the pavement and city benches before she finally pancaked up against the levy wall til the waves jostled her over the lip. Yes sir, ol’ Burt, he’s real tough, you’d better look out for him.