Thoughts on the incel phenomenon and why heterosexual men should give up online dating

Anyone who is online at all knows that many men are frustrated and disappointed with their experience using online dating sites and apps. I think it’s fair to say this experience coupled with the fact that this generation of men are having less sex than previous generations has led to a rise in interest in and acceptance of the /r/TheRedPill view of the world that has been embraced by male incels and those speaking up for them (you are probably aware of the basics: 80% of men get nothing while 20% get most of the sex with women, the cock carousel, hypergamy). This has led to lots of denial of obviously true things, claims that heterosexual men should not feel “entitled” to a sex life, and blame directed at men in general for this situation from feminists and supposedly neutral mainstream commentators.

Some from both sides are guilty of some pretty severe errors and making things worse. I am skeptical of some aspects of /r/TheRedPill. Why the need to dismiss that there are female incels, or gay male incels, or whatever type of incel that may not be a heterosexual male? However, it seems to me few feminists seriously want to engage with this issue beyond saying “Neither I or any other woman should be encouraged to do any kindness or sex act we do not feel inclined to do for any man, especially an incel” which, while this should be respected, in today’s environment I believe this attitude takes any heterosexual male who expresses disappointment or frustration about dating women in bad faith. At some point while we’re examining men’s dating attitudes and preferences and how they may lead to undesirable outcomes for women and themselves, we also need to examine women’s dating preferences and attitudes and how these may lead to undesirable outcomes for themselves and men.

We often hear that any man who is an incel must be deeply flawed in some way and the flaws cited are usually that he must have bad hygiene, a toxic personality, be ugly, or be fat. The problem is that, while it is good advice in general to work on these things, probably almost any incel can look around and see men who have body odor, men who are fat, men who are not particularly good looking, and men who are not kind to women that still have girlfriends and/or casual encounters with women. We should be able to admit that even if you are a likable person, clean, have a decent job, stay in decent shape, and so on you could still just be unlucky when it comes to dating. We also need to admit that at least some of this is caused by some women having unrealistic standards for looks in men, or they are looking for things that are incompatible with the kind of partnership they say they want. As many feminists point out, it is true that many of the heterosexual male incels also have this problem but won’t acknowledge it (take Elliot Roger for example, he was a perfectly decent looking guy who actually did have a toxic personality and a fixation on a certain type of woman that generally are not attracted to men like him). It is also necessary to admit that neither men or women conceptualize what they find attractive completely based on biological standards. Yes, we have bodily autonomy and people have a right to say no but pure sexual attraction isn’t the only factor in how people chose who they have sex with. For example, a person may be attracted to someone but choose not to date or have sex with them for fear of what their family, friends, or the public will think. This seems hard for some people who think attraction is some purely apolitical, not at all socially influenced thing to understand (the essay Does anyone have the right to sex? by Amia Srinivasan makes similar points from a feminist perspective). I’ve also observed some feminists expressing glee that these men aren’t having much luck dating saying it is a form of natural selection. This leads to feminists looking like social Darwinists they would oppose if this was applied to any other demographic besides white men and pretty much exemplifies how they aren’t really helping the situation.

We also need to stop basing our assessment of dating success on dating sites. Statistics show that dating sites in general have significantly fewer female users than male users, this is one thing that has been lost in the discussion of the 80/20 rule. Dating sites don’t want men (most of the users) to know this fact or that among the women who are using the site, many are not actually interested in seriously engaging with anyone who messages them and just want a quick ego boost after being dumped or stood up. This means a very large pool of men are competing for the relatively small number of women who have signed up and actually want to hook up or date. Probably some number of these women will be so overwhelmed with messages they will just decide not to engage at all, further lowering the number of actually available prospects. In this environment, I think even 80/20 is too generous. It’s no wonder men find the experience so frustrating. Surveys also show the percentage of couples that actually meet using online dating is in the single digits. This survey shows you are much, much more likely to meet someone to date through friends or by going out to a social setting (or, to a lesser extent, at work). This sucks for the really socially awkward incels who will have difficulty doing these kind of things but they’re just going to have to figure out a way to do it if they want to have a serious chance of meeting a woman.

For dating sites and apps to be a better environment for anything other than a woman who is on the upper end of average to hook up with a “Chad” she might have trepidation approach in real life, men using them are going to have to stop the aggressive scattershot approach, and more women are going to have to start using the apps, and once they start using it use it in good faith rather than just looking for a quick boost from the attention. Since this isn’t likely to happen anytime soon, frustrated men should stay off these platforms and work on meeting people in person.

Ultimately we need to tackle the issues leading to the rise in loneliness in general (this will also require examining the way women and feminists may contribute to excluding people, especially men, rather than just placing the entire blame on men) and not demonize those left out or claim their exclusion is purifying the gene pool. It’s really as simple as just encouraging people to be friendlier to others, to be open to meeting new people, to try to talk to people more in person, to stop relying on toxic environments such as Tinder and other dating apps as your sole or primary way to date or meet new people.