I mentioned last time around how when I first lay eyes on the maintenance man, Max, I wanted to throw my dirty girl bag of tricks at him. I’d sworn off such activities, after the last few years of having my heart made into dog food, but for him and that deep chocolate skin, I’d make an exception. Relationships have been far from my mind, as I find that with the high number of broken hearts I’ve nursed, at the moment, I’d rather not take a swing.
Truth be told, before I’d spoken to him, I started to get bored by our waving and figured that perhaps that’s all there would be. I was ready to move on with my life, not one for flirting just for the sake of it. And then things took that strange turn once we spoke and I learned that he and I knew one another 30 years ago, during our time in middle school.
I happened to see him while on my way to work out today. I sat outside with him and chatted for almost 30 minutes. We talked about mutual childhood friends and the neighborhood we grew up in. We decided that we’d get together the following weekend to catch up. And while I’m quite okay with spending time, to the point that I even look forward to it, it leaves a strange space for me.
Ya see, when I waved at that handsome maintenance man early on, we’d smile and give one another the eye and walk to our respective corners. He was almost just an object to me. I didn’t know his name, I didn’t know his history. I just knew about the fun fantasy that he provided. And even though I decided to scale back on my dating, I was curious to take him for a spin, quick to release him, before my heart started to speak louder than my brain. Wasn’t even sure I’d ever get to, wasn’t sure that I’d ever even try to. It was just a nice fantasy, ya know?
And now here I am, finding myself enamored and enmeshed with not just that Fine Ass Maintenance Man (FAMM), he’s now a person. A funny person with all kinds of stories and fascinating things about himself. And strangely enough, that’s a problem. Because I wasn’t ready to get back out there. And while the overwhelming consensus is that he and I are just friends and there is nothing wrong with just talking and hanging out, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to just date. I’m working hard to keep out any mentions of sex. I talk about sex pretty frequently with friends, and I’m making sure to not say anything about it. He happened to be in my home on a work assignment, and I was hungry and grabbed a banana. I made it a point to break the stupid thing up, just so that he wouldn’t think I was sending him sexual subliminal messages. A guy friend and I had a conversation about women’s orgasms and I wanted so bad to text Max and ask his thoughts, but I’m terrified to open that up, so I didn’t.
I have been largely ruled by ADHD my whole life. I allowed my whims and my heart to lead the way, with my brain trailing far behind. But as I’m growing older and wiser, I’m learning that I can’t let my vagina and my whims rule. My heart just can’t take it. I’m in a pretty peaceful space now and I thoroughly enjoy it. So how dare Max show up and wave at me with that gorgeous smile and have the absolute gall to know me!
I thought he was more of a loner when I first saw him. I’d only seen him with the other maintenance man or solo. I’d even asked one of the women who works with him in the leasing office, and she told me that she knew absolutely nothing about his life. So imagine my surprise when he opened up and had me laughing today? He even did a hand stand, a reminder from his time doing flips during childhood. He told me that no one in our complex knows that he is capable of doing such things. It felt sweet. Such an honor to be welcomed in like that.
But how dare he let me in?! It was supposed to be a fantasy, that may or may not happen! He was supposed to be a quiet guy with who brings absolutely nothing to the table. He’s not supposed to be someone that I feel safe with. He’s not supposed to be funny and kind. You’d think I’d be thrilled that the man I lusted after had these amazing traits, but I’m so not. Because now I will struggle to walk a line. Now I have to try to navigate not falling for him. That was never a line I dared to walk before. In my younger years, I’d simply lust and stupidly let things fall where they may, often resulting in my tears. But now that I’m older and wiser, the onus is on me to spend time and not be picking out our wedding registry the whole time.
I’ve decided on where we go when we hang out next week. I want to call it a date, but then I don’t. I don’t even want to ask him questions, the way I once would have. I want to just enjoy this awkward and fun ride. It is awkward. And it is fun. His lips are beautiful. I want to taste them. But I can’t. And I won’t. At least not yet. If ever. Ugh.
