Baby FAQ: How to Navigate the World While Drooling

Q: What is it?

A: It’s a kitty-kitty!

Q: Can I poke it in the eye with my tiny finger?

A: No, no. Gentle.

Q: Can I yank on its tail?

A: No, baby. Gentle. Soft touches.

Q: Why won’t this fur come off?

A: Soft touches, baby. Like this, see? Gentle.

Q: Can I poke my tiny finger into its butthole?

A: No, sweetie. Here, do you want your jingle ball? Here’s your jingle ball! Look!

Q: I’m going to put my mouth on it and then make a face.

A: Yeah fine, whatever.

Q: What is it?

A: It’s my lunch!

Q: Can I put all ten of my tiny adorable fingers in it and just squish it in my hands?

A: No no, baby.

Q: But I really want to. Like REALLY a lot.

A: No, baby. That’s not for you.

Q: Let’s wrestle while you try to eat!

A: Do you want to sit in your high chair for a minute?

Q: UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO I WANT TO SIT IN THAT HIGH CHAIR.

A: OK, fine. I guess I can just hold you…

Q: Can you even reach your food from that far away?

A: No, baby. No no.

Q: Also, I made stinky pants just now.

A: I’ll be right back. Can you guys tell the waiter to bring a to-go container?

Q: What is it?

A: It’s an earring!

Q: Cool! Let’s get that out of your ear!

A: No, sweetie. That’s not a toy.

Q: Quit being so stubborn! Gimme!

A: Ouch! No, honey. Not a toy.

Q: It’s shiny, it’s dangly — why would I not play with this?

A: OK, I’m just going to put these in my purse and not wear earrings again until you’re in law school.

Q: Yeah, that’s probably for the best.