Sigh. Fuck You, Nintendo.


I’m 41. I’m a real fucking adult, goddammit. I’ve got a teenage kid. So that means I’ve changed diapers, paid car payments, and had full-time jobs. I’ve gone to college, filed my taxes, and even been married. Twice!

So I see all you young Pokey-whatsits carrying your phones around in the park, and I worry for the future. Before long people will be walking into each other, walking into traffic, walking out of airplanes…it’ll be a mess. I’m gonna be…

Hm? What’s that? Oh. No, I haven’t run into anyone yet. At least, no more often than before this. But it was already bad enough with the smartphones! Everybody was always…

I’m sorry, didn’t catch that. Me? Yeah, I’ve got one. I need it for work. Hm? No, I don’t play games on my phone, I’m an adult! I’ve got schedules to keep, places to go, and things to…

Say again? Sure, I work wherever, whenever, and however I can find the time. But I don’t have to turn on the GPS, microphone, and camera to let the CIA, NSA, and whoever else record every move I make! Bunch of video game addicts getting spied on by…

Come again? No, I never turned those features on.. I wouldn’t know how! My phone is just a tool, I’m not gonna waste my time digging into how to make it turn on all the bells and…

Am I aware of what now? You mean, Google Maps? And social media? Camera, mic, and everything else uses my GPS, too? You don’t know that. Your phone is different than mine! How could you… They are?

All of 'em, huh?

Well, I bet my small writing tablet app doesn’t need my GPS, my camera, my microphone… I prefer writing on my phone, too. It’s far more convenient; I already have my writing tablet on hand when inspiration… So what if my phone is still on the internet? That’s the best part about writing in the park, or the doctor’s office, or…

So it could all be on at any time and I would never know?

I guess we can’t stop Big Brother, but at least I’m being productive! I’m getting things done, I’m contributing! I mean, you know. Not when I’m on Facebook. Or Twitter. But that’s different.

Because it is! C’mon, that’s TOTALLY different from running around in public, playing some silly videogame on your phone with your friends, collecting imaginary…

I’m sorry? Yeah, but I play them AT HOME! That’s what the PlayStation is for! They have the Xbox, and Nintendo even has that other one? I don’t know. I’m a PlayStation guy. I like my Resident Evil, Assassin’s Creed…

What do you mean? Of course there’s a difference! I get the big screen! The surround sound! Incredible graphics! It’s so real, it’s like you’re almost RIGHT THERE IN THE GAME! I’ve seen how Pokemon looks, and…

Oh. Umm…

Hm. Guess I didn’t think of it that way. It does ACTUALLY put you in the game, doesn’t it? And you’re getting exercise. And meeting new friends. And going new places.

Okay. Now that you mention it, that part always bothered me; something about the situation reminded me of a guy in middle school, named Jeff Haybecker, or Haystacker, or Humpnecker, or something.

He was a dick.

I wasn’t in the popular crowd, and I wasn’t in the athletic crowd. I wasn’t in any crowd that was anywhere near ever becoming either of those other two crowds. I guess I was in the nerd crowd, which means something totally different today than it did in 1987.

My friends and I listened to heavy metal, played Dungeons & Dragons, and watched MTV.

But there’s something lost in translation here; in 1987, those mostly told people that we worshipped the devil. Not true, of course.

Metallica in 1987 was pretty heavy, but it’s not backwards-masking kind of music. Parents were certain the songs were about death (they were, but METALLICA), but the popular kids thought it was too heavy, and fast, and… dangerous. Dorky.

D&D (or Call of Cthulhu that year, if memory serves) wasn’t anywhere NEAR the commonly known game it is today… Parents thought we were summoning demons (we were, but innocently), but the popular kids thought it was dorky. They still do.

MTV actually played music videos back then. And ONLY music videos. My crowd didn’t watch that garbage, though; we waited until Headbanger’s Ball. Adam Curry, Riki Rachtman, Kevin Seal… Popular kids like Jeff Hamburgerner didn’t like it, any more than they liked Metallica in 1987.

They would walk by my crowd in the hallway at school, mocking our musical tastes every time they saw us; air guitars improperly wielded with sad, short hair unnaturally motionless as they made some semblance of what they believed headbanging to be like (it wasn’t)… “ChingChingChing! KillYourMother! EatYourBaby! ChingChingChing!”

That’s actually a direct quote from Jeff Rubbernecker. Told you he was a dick.

So maybe they partially thought it was worshiping the devil, but they DEFINITELY thought: Dorky.

Then Guns 'N Roses hit. Poison, Warrant, Crue, Pussycat, Bon Jovi (all technically 'metal,’ so said radio DJs back then ..lol), even Metallica finally got their due, but I remember what went down; G’NR made the world hear overdriven guitars. Marshall stacks and Gibson axe was the recipe for about five years, and Axl was the King Of Cool.

Redeeming us nerds on the musical taste front. Not that we ever got credit…

You’re welcome for superhero movies, by the way. Fucking ingrates.

Even D&D got strong.

And videogames. Nerds helped the videogame market boom. Sigh. That’s the connection; that’s the part that troubled me.

By discounting Pokemon (as well as other new technology) outright, the older generation not only misses out on wonderful new experiences, but makes themselves the Jeff Humperdeckers of this really long, drawn-out analogy of elderly bitterness.

So, fuck it. I’m gonna download Pokemon Go. Because I can’t take my big screen, lazy-ass PlayStation fun with me, and Americans need more fucking exercise anyway.

I graduated in 1992, and my entire school (including Jeff Hypocritter) got to vote on our “Class Song.”

They chose 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica.

Fuck you, Jeff Haybacker. You’re probably playing Madden.

Nerds always win.

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