Births in 2016

Two thousand and sixteen, to give its christian name, has seen the death of many stars. But before we write the entire year off as a no-goodnick, let us not forget it was also the birth year of these stars of tomorrow


Hans Chocel

Often over shadowed by his brother Sergei Chocel for sexual reasons, Hans was nether the less instrumental in re-igniting the rice boom with his company Glass. Everytime you eat sushi, and the sushi tried to eat you back, thank Hans Chocel.

Chase Arena

From the age of eight, this lovable star of Disney’s What’Erp is an exact genetic lookalike for Don Knotts

Jigme Namgyel Wangchuck

The last Thunder Dragon King to reign before his country of Bhutan slid into the boiling sea.

Riley Mason

With three gold medals and a peg leg, there is something truly inspiring about this 280kg segregationist fear monger.

Riley Jackson

It might seem like Misc-Jack (as she would later be known by) is much younger, but yes this bubblegum-trip-hop-skrunkge musician is older than then McDonald’s DietWipes.

Riley Isabell- Grand

Remember that girl from the tattoo shaming commerical? Well she grew up to become the re-author of Moby Dick.

Blazster Butterbuschtch

Inventor, and mascot, of SteelHard Custard: the custard harder than usual. His great grandson also invented the time-o-gram, which allowed us to send this article back to 2016 in the first place. Last place. I don’t know how time grimmer works. Worked. Will work to be.

Hestern Fortuna

A bit of a personal one to be fair, 2016 was also the birth year of my darling wife and the mother of my thirty eight children.

So many spiders

It’s crazy how many spider’s were born this year. Not an unusually high amount, just enough to show who truly runs this little floating farting orb of ours.

Pus Cump

Who this is, science and theology isn’t sure, but their name sure comes up a lot in our new discoveries about the universe.

And of course

YXX YXX YXX

Beginning as the soul of Ronnie Colbert, this whisp of cloud became bigger and bigger over millennia, eventually gaining consciousness, one big wet mouth and a message of peace for the whole universe. As our bodies melt away to become one with his message, we are truly happy.

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