Saying & Hearing“I’m Sorry”

by Marc V. Calderaro

It’s easy to say you have a connection with someone when you both agree on everything. But I believe that how you deal with disagreement, conflict, and struggle is where the true connections lie. Conflicts will occur in every relationship, be it romantic, friend, family, business, whatever. And good conflict resolution can strengthen relationship bonds tremendously.

All the closest people in my life, I’ve apologized to — often more than once. There are true connections that form when one person recognizes fault to the other. It’s one of the best ways to admit respect for the other person.

I believe that the strength of a relationship can be determined by two factors: trust, and resentment. The more of the first, the less of the second, the better. Conflict resolution, and specifically apologizing, engages both of those factors. However, its importance is often overlooked.

But if you give and receive apologies constructively, it’s an admittance to our follies as imperfect humans, and with that realization comes connection. But giving and receiving apologies constructively is easier said than done. Below are just a few things I’ve learned from a history of apologizing and not apologizing.

Giving Apologies — Dos & Don’ts

Do Let Go of Your Emotion After You Apologize

This is the #1 reason people want to apologize at all — to allows themselves to move on, once they’ve acknowledged a contextual wrong openly and it is accepted.

The worst thing you can do for yourself is have an apology accepted, then continue to carry guilt, shame, etc. If you are earnest that you committed a mistake and will try to not make the same mistake in the future, the glory of an accepted, proper apology is that with time, both people can let go of the negative emotions. Hanging on no longer has any positive benefits, and will often lead to resentment. So drop it.

This does not mean you do not still recognize the wrong, and realize how your mistake will change future interactions. But do not let yourself get tangled in the guilt. It will only negatively affect your relationship moving forward.

Don’t Apologize for Something You’re Not Sorry For.

Seems simple, right? But often, situations seem to demand our apology. There are two ways to deal with this.

The first is to not apologize. When two sides are trying to reach an understanding, the importance is on the intent behind the words. If you’re emotionally dishonest you’re just weakening trust.

Instead, you can engage about the situation itself without saying you’re sorry. For example, I will often start with something like, “I reacted with that anger because when you did [X], I felt [Y].” This begets a discussion about how the situation unfolded. Eventually, this will lead to a better understanding of why the other person did [Y] in the first place, and often leads to a more considered apology.

Something that looks like this: “[I’m still angry that you did [Y],] but you’re right; regardless, I shouldn’t have done [X] — I’m sorry that I did. I’ll try to react better in the future.” Ta Da! This is something that you actually wanted to apologize for. Your anger towards [Y] may still be justified, and you can still hold onto that anger if you want to. Because one of the best reasons to apologize is to let go of the emotion, if you’re not ready to let it go, don’t apologize.

The second way is what the first leads to: compartmentalize the apology to what you’re actually sorry for. This leads to the most important Apology Don’ts.

Don’t Say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” if it’s Your Fault.

An apology is about the apologizer; it is not about the apologizee. When you frame an apology in the context of the offended, there is no actual guilt acknowledged. This is what happens when the culture makes the offender feel that they need to apologize but aren’t actually sorry.

You only have control over your actions. It’s a copout to try and take control of someone else’s. It’s very simple: If you’re not sorry, don’t apologize.

But, Do Engage To Better Understand Why

If you’re not sorry, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk with the other person about their emotions. Questions like “Why do you feel that way?” can get a dialogue going which will specify the actual concern.

For example: Let’s say I oppose certain hate crime laws providing extra punishment if an assault is perpetrated on a homosexual. And I say “Hate crime laws are because of the stupid social justice warriors” or whatever. And you call me a bigot for it. If I say “I’m sorry you feel that way,” what does that even mean in that context?

Nothing. It just means we disagree, and that you’re not going to change my mind. Nothing is gained. No one feels better. I leave feeling offended that you called me a bigot, which I don’t believe I am. And you leave thinking my comprehension of the role of hate-crime laws is misguided.

However, if I ask why you feel I’m a bigot for holding that view, you’re potentially starting a more meaningful discussion about how someone could hold such a view and not actually be a bigot. Eventually, I might apologize for framing my argument in such a stupid way, and you might even apologize for calling me a bigot. Maybe, maybe not. But the outcome is certainly more productive than with a false apology.

Don’t Qualify an Apology Afterwards with “But…”

This goes hand in hand with non-apologies from above. If you apology, then immediately qualify it — “I’m sorry for lashing out at you, but you were just acting like such an asshole.” — you’re again framing the apology in the context of the apologizee. If an apology is about the apologizer, doing this is a fatal mistake.

Note: The subtle difference between this and my example above — “[I’m still angry that you did [Y],] but you’re right; regardless, I shouldn’t have done [X] — I’m sorry.” By starting with your qualifier, you can frame what you’re actually apologizing for. In the reverse order, you give a broad apology, then narrow it afterwards, leading to confusion about what you actually apologized for. Here, you are framing how you will narrow the apology to providing better context.

Don’t Apologize Because You Expect One in Return.

I am very guilty of this. Often, I feel hurt by something someone said or did and I want to elicit an apology from them — so I apologize for something else first. This too often leads to bad things.

First, you might not get the apology. Now, not only are you offended by the act, but also by the callousness of them not apologizing when you feel they should. Second, if you do get the apology, but you’ve bullied the person into it, it won’t be genuine at all. Further, you’re feeding the cultural idea of people apologizing whenever they’re in a given situation, rather than because they feel genuine remorse — within your relationship as well. Both these outcomes lead to resentment.

The more a person can intuit honesty behind an apology, the more trust can be gained, and the less resentment is harbored.

Lastly: Don’t Over-Apologize.

We are imperfect creatures; we are constantly screwing up. Once you gain the awareness of your own fallibility, it’s easy to get caught if a self-awareness spiral — you can’t seem to get past your own mistakes and you keep bringing them up. This, ironically, causes more mistakes.

There was a period in my life where I was a serial over-apologizer. But you have to reach a level of acceptance with your own faults. You can’t apologize for everything wrong you do, or, quite frankly, you couldn’t get anything done.

Learning to recognize situations that justify an apology is a skill I am still learning. When it is important enough to the person who you’ve injured, you owe that person a moment of reflection. Even if you didn’t feel regret before, you should pause and think if you should, or if it’s worth your relationship to this other person to recognize and admit some fault.

But that doesn’t mean that every time you reflect, you have to find something. When I don’t actually feel regret, I don’t apologize. And if you still find yourself constantly apologizing, either you’re a truly awful person, or you might want to reevaulate how you internalize guilt.

Receiving Apologies — Dos and Don’ts

Do Utterly Forgive the Person When You Accept

This is the most important aspect of accepting an apology. To keep from harboring resentment in any part of the relationship due to the transgression — whatever it might be — when you accept an apology, your duty is to forgive the transgressor.

However, like above, this is not the same as forgetting what the person did. This might affect how you treat them going forward, but you must disconnect the ties to your emotion concerning the issue.

Let’s say we were supposed to meet up for dinner, and at the last second I cancel on you. I later apologize and you accept. This situation does not mean that going forward you must treat plans with me as if I never cancelled on you. You might suspect that I will cancel on you in the future, affecting how strong you consider our plans together. But this is different from resenting me for having cancelled on you.

If you continue to harbor anger or pain from that event, then what was your actual acceptance? What did it mean? Often, empty acceptances mean “I just don’t want to talk about this anymore.” But what does that statement do to the future of the relationship?

If you accept an apology, you are saying that you’re ready to let go of the emotions attached to the transgression. So if you say you are ready, then be ready.

But there’s a corollary to that.

Don’t Accept an Apology if You’re Not Ready To

Just as no one should feel compelled to apologize if they do not actually feel remorse or regret, no one is compelled to accept an apology if they are not ready or not willing to forgive the transgression.

It is perfectly OK to say to someone: “I appreciate the apology, but I cannot accept it.” This is almost required, because there is a lot riding on that acceptance. If an acceptance is the acknowledgement of forgiveness, you should not accept if you have not forgiven.

Of all the possibilities for harboring resentment, this is the mistake that causes the most. If you try to slough off something that really hurt you, and give the offendor a pass by blindly accepting something you have not internally accepted, it’s a recipe for relationship disaster.

Then, six months down the road, something happens again, and the person throws their hands up in the air and go “Wait, you’re still mad about that?!” Because the apologizer rightly let go of that negative emotion long ago, finding out that it’s still there can be downright traumatizing, as I’m sure many of you can relate.

Don’t Force People to Apologize

This relates directly to the section about not apologizing to expect a return apology. The power of an honest apology can bring people closer together; to understand the metes and bounds of trust, and to garner a deeper understanding of how the other person thinks and behaves.

It’s extremely selfish to make someone apologize when they aren’t actually sorry, just because you want to hear it.

If you feel the offense was so bad that if the offender doesn’t feel sorry than all bets are off — then, if the offender isn’t actually sorry, maybe all bets should be off. A great part about conflict resolution is discovering those boundaries. If I cheat on you, and don’t apologize; and you believe that an unrepentant cheater deserves what he/she gets, then maybe that relationship should end. This goes for friendships too. It happens.

Forcing the person to apologize about that isn’t going to actually make them feel the remorse they don’t feel, nor are you actually getting the compassion you’re seeking. It’s dishonesty and ego-driven nonsense all around.

Do Recognize the Bounds of the Apology

Quick Story Time: One time, in a small group of people, I got frustrated with my friend, A, and lashed out at her. Not horrifically, but in a way that was unsociable in the context of the group. Afterwards I apologized to her for my behavior towards her, then, seperately I apologized to the members of the group for how I had behaved in front of them. One person, B, listened to my apology, then smugly said, “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

This shows a classic misunderstanding of the bounds of an apology. My apology towards B was about my relationship with B; I was not apologizing for my relationship with A. That makes no sense. Apologies are about 1:1 interaction, and 1:1 harm. I was not apologizing for my behavior towards A. I apologized for my behavior in front of B — and B hearing me speaking to A caused her a harm that I regretted.

When someone properly narrows and qualifies their apology, recognize what they are apologizing for, and what they are not. It facilitates better communication in the future, and better communication in general.

And actually, now that I think about it, this example shows another aspect of accepting an apology.

Don’t Use an Apology as an Admission of Weakness

We want people to feel comfortable apologizing. Our culture values ego so much, that often to apologize is synonymous with being weak. But recognizing that you have faults, and showing that you are interested in growing should be valued.

Despite what movies, politics, and pro wrestling tells us, there are no “good guys” who are flawless and “bad guys” who are all flaws. To leverage an apology as a play for interpersonal gamesmanship is sickening, and hints that the way you look at relationships with people is one-sided.

Remember, all good apologies are two-sided. You must empathize with the other person and understand how they feel before you can understand how you wronged them.

Wrapping Up

If you value interpersonal communication, apologizing done well can create deeper bonds than mere agreement can. Conflict resolution is a oft-neglected, very necessary element to social communication.

We find ourselves apologizing in one way or another every week — even if it’s just apologizing after you bump into someone at the supermarket. Using this everyday tool as a way to create stronger bonds with others is a key element to your and others’ happiness.