Alex Trebek’s Condescending Responses to Several Jeopardy Contestants’ Stories

CONTESTANT: “An electric fence, right. I grew up on a farm in Iowa, and there was this electric fence running right through the property. One day my Dad decides to dig it up so it would stop hurting the dogs, you know, and as he’s pulling it out of the ground he’s muttering things like ‘it’s so dangerous,’ and ‘should’ve done this sooner,’ and wouldn’t you know it, he didn’t get zapped. We all had a good laugh at the thought of it actually happening though.

TREBEK: “All right.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “Yes, a VERY large truck. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, TREBEK DOES NOT] She bought it when I was around 3-years-old, and from the way mom tells it, they took me outside to see the new car and all I said was ‘mommy? What’s wrong with our OLD house?’”

TREBEK: “Children do see the world differently.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “It wasn’t a REAL submarine. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, TREBEK VISIBLY FUMES] It was a life-size model we brought to the middle school where I teach AP European History. I was showing off some of the gadgets on the inside to some of my brightest students — go PS 129! — when suddenly the door closes. We shook the handle for what must have been ten minutes, until the rental company guy came to get us out.”

TREBEK: “Harrowing.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “We were several miles from our hotel, with no money and no way to get home, and my husband saw this tiny bat off in the distance. I don’t where he heard this, but somebody told him that in France, if you follow a bat, it’ll take you straight to Paris. So we followed it for several miles.

TREBEK: “And is it true?”

CONTESTANT: “NO!”

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

TREBEK: “Okay.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “Yes, I ate all of it. A whole cherry pie.”

TREBEK: “And what a story it was.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “Bleached. I bleached it. Not on purpose. I fell, and the canister went right in.”

TREBEK: “Glad to have you.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “I don’t go out much, so I didn’t know what to put on that form when I was accepted as a contestant. I’m a bit of a home body. If you look at my form, I just sort of scribbled in that section, and then I was too nervous to sign my name, so I put down your name, so the name on my placard here is wrong, it’s not Alex, it’s John, I’m sorry, this is my first time on jeopardy and I’m really nervous.”

TREBEK: “How’s about that?”

— -

[AUDIENCE GROANS IN ANTICIPATION, TO BE QUIETED BY THE WARM-UP COMIC AS TREBEK SIMPLY WALKS RIGHT BY A CONTESTANT, LEAVING HER WITH A STORY UNTOLD]

— -

CONTESTANT: “I’m dull. I’m a boring man. I have a boring wife and a boring job. Nothing ever happens to me, and I can’t share a single anecdote that would interest a single desperately lonely person on God’s green Earth.”

TREBEK: “As they say: Better luck next year.”

— -

CONTESTANT: “LOVE ME! I NEED TO BE LOVED! I HAVEN’T BEEN TOUCHED IN FORTY YEARS! I AM INCAPABLE OF HUMAN CONTACT BECAUSE OF MY PAPER THIN SKIN AND HARSH DEMEANOR, WHICH DRIVES MEN AWAY AND WOMEN INTO AN EARLY GRAVE.”

TREBEK: “Well, it takes a village.”

— -

[CONTESTANT SPASMS WHILST REACHING FOR LOWER BACK TRYING TO DEMONSTRATE THE WAY THEY INITIALLY INJURED IT, CAUSING HUSHED EMPATHETIC WHISPERS TO MURMUR FROM THE CROWD AS TREBEK ISSUES HIS FIRST AND ONLY GENUINE SMILE OF THE EVENING, PERHAPS THE DECADE.]

— -

CONTESTANT: “Don’t. Don’t touch the red curtains, Trebek. They bear the mark of the witnessed one. He who shall break the Earth’s chain, to rain chaos upon the ones you call home, to feast upon the desiccation of mankind, he shall be called forth with the blood of one thousand serpents.”

TREBEK: “We all love a holiday, don’t we?”

— -

CONTESTANT: [LOUD GURGLING NOISE]

[AUDIENCE AWWS]

TREBEK: “Sounds like you were asking for it.”

— -

[AUDIENCE FAINTS INTO A SEA OF PANICKED HYSTERIA, UNABLE TO COPE WITH THE ENTERTAINMENT VALUE OF THE CONTESTANT’S STORY. THEY BLEED THROUGH EVERY ORIFICE IN AN ORGY OF ECSTATIC ENJOYMENT, WRITHING IN THE SPECKLED TWICE-CHEWED GOO OF THEIR SATISFACTION AS TREBEK READS THE CATEGORIES FOR DOUBLE JEOPARDY]