Good news! Anxiety Likely Won’t Make You Literally Explode

Are you anxious all the time? Feel like you’re going to explode? Rest easy. There is as of this moment no scientific basis to believe that anxiety will make you literally explode!

That’s not to say that scientists can’t discover a link between low-self-esteem-induced-panic and sudden fatal lung explosions. But until that black day comes, and the inescapable din of television news informs you in an endless waking nightmare that, yes, you are going to explode, you can finally relax in the knowledge that you are not going to explode probably.

Anxiety is powerful and affects everybody differently. Some get dizzy and are unable to stand for long periods of time. Others are unable to think straight and see the world as though through a thick fog. Many yell indistinct insults at their mother’s nurse on the phone about the behavior of the family dog who has long since passed on.

But I’ve spoken to several scientists, and they assured me that it is very unlikely that you will literally explode, unless we find out something different about the human body at some point. So don’t worry for now. Keep thinking about all the things your dead dog did wrong. Mother is sure to call back.

Those heart palpitations are not the starting guns to an internal process that makes your spleen or gallbladder or whatever rub against a previously unknown flammable stone in your small intestine that will set off a long, rube-goldberg-esque chain reaction resulting in the flick of a spark inside your heart which has been filled with real gasoline brewed from pure hatred. This hate gas will not ignite a fiery explosion. It cannot hurt you, or your family dog, who has long since passed on. There is no gasoline. There is no spark. You don’t know what a spleen or gallbladder does, they’re probably not near your gas heart, and human bodies cannot explode, to the best of our knowledge.

Those stories about spontaneous combustion? Bunk. Pure bunk! And besides, those people were, by all accounts, well adjusted. It is unconfirmed that they exploded due to repetitive intrusive fantasy arguments with their father’s over the dog’s diet, imagined on the train to work, where on Senior Vice President very much resembles their father, not in appearance but in the way he touches his neck when you are sure he is lying to you while threatening your masculinity through subtle cues you pick up on a gut level and also they probably think you’re a dick.

The people who supposedly spontaneously exploded all over the place did not do so because they were converting their rage into anxiety due to the ingrained belief that anger is not an acceptable emotion and must be snuffed out. If technology advances to the point that we can hear the final thoughts of people just before death, we might find out that, yes, they were anxious and yes, they were worried about the dog’s health and yes, they did call the Vice President Dad. But we haven’t yet. So why are you worrying so much?

For all I know, you’re not going to explode from anxiety. You might explode anyway, sure, but it’s probably unrelated.