So I’ve been thinking about communication, language and home; mostly because nearly a year has passed since I move to Texas, from Peru. If someone asks me to be honest, I would say I feel like a ghost here, like I don’t exist. I a hopeful about my future tho, I know that I am not your typical social butterfly. And now that I have come here to embrace what I had always been: a kinda weird lady, it is even more difficult because I completely reject any kind of effort to talk about superficial, mundane matters. When I find myself in those situations, I just feel like I have nothing to say, and in fact I say nothing, and although it may seem antisocial I am kinda OK with it, I feel that is just who I am.

But I have been asking myself lately if people really feel satisfied with those meaningless interactions, and if that has always been the case and people have always been like that and I am just now realizing it. Never had happened to me, my friends in Peru seem now like the most amazing people on earth comparing to some characters I have met here. I miss having friends like that and now my life has becoming an on-going project of finding weird, interesting people. I have find a few.

English is also a factor that has to do with me feeling non existent. I have no doubts that my level of english is sufficient. My essays are A material and I know it. But the thing that has got me worried is the talking. I also know I can talk pretty good, but I don’t understand what happens when I have to talk with students in my college. My heart starts pounding (I can literally feel it), the words become a blur in my head, and I just want to say that is a recipe for disaster… I am, as a really insecure person who even has trouble speaking up in her own native language, just seeing the results of having to talk all day in a language that it is not my own, and having to cope with a completely new environment.

Its frustrating to have so many things to say, and not have the extensive vocabulary of a person who naturally speaks the language, and not having anyone to say them to. Its frustrating not having a place where you feel you belong, feeling awkard and out of place most of time.

Just think about this: That character in the movie who is all quirky, cool and original, they all have this loyal group of friends, or at least someone who understands them. Because without them, they are just a white dot in a black sea, and sure they can shine and it will look beautiful, but that does not take away the fact that they are still alone.

At least for now.

Thank you for reading! If you liked this rambling about my life, please say something, it would be greatly appreaciated. I am so sorry if there are grammar mistakes and things that are hard to understand. I like writing, but always having to edit it, and revise it…. ugh, no way Jose. I am sure I will get better with time! Bear it with me my friend.