Angry Star Wars Fan

Ok I saw the new Star Wars The Force Awakens. I am not a happy Jedi, in fact I am such an unhappy Jedi I may well have gone over to the Dark Side.

But because I am no Sith quite yet I tell you to read no further for there are SPOILERS AHEAD.

I’ll say that again: THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD READ NO FURTHER IF YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH WITH THE FORCE TO HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE YET. THOUGH TO BE HONEST IF YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH OF A FAN TO HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE BY NOW I’M NOT SURE WHY I CARE ABOUT RUINING YOUR EXPERIENCE.

But I digress.

Star Wars the Force Awakens was disappointing and reading so so many gushing, ass kissing reviews makes me want to throw up.

The film starts off well enough, in fact that bit where Kylo Ren stops a laser bolt in mid air is freaking awesome! But we already know right from the beginning what’s going on don’t we fellow Star Wars fans?

A young teen on a desert planet on the edge of the galaxy, a nobody destined to discover their legacy and their power. A map or “plans” if you will, stored in a droid (cute new droid, love BB-8).

Yep you guessed it. We have seen a remake, a reboot, a new hope, not a new story.

There were parts of this film which drove me absolutely batshit crazy. Like Kylo Ren, who has spent (we imagine) so much time training becoming first a Jedi and now a Sith, can’t even beat a girl who knew she was strong in the force for all of 10 minutes. Luke knew he was strong in the force for years and it was all he could do to call his lightsabre to him in the cave on Hoth. Rey not only does that but actually fights and holds her own against a Sith who should have been able to force choke her to death in a moment. And if you’re thinking that I should be kinder then he at least should have been able to do that to Finn.

Shouldn’t he? Come on tell me I’m wrong…and then admit that I’m right.

And did anyone else notice the way Abrams dealt with the discovery of Anakin’s original lightsabre in Maz Kanata’s basement? Kanata literally says something to the effect of “don’t worry about how I got it”. Are you freakin serious??? The lightsabre that was in Luke’s hand when Vader chopped it off on cloud city, the lightsabre that killed younglings, the lightsabre that was used to cut Dooku’s head off, the lightsabre that…well you get the point. OF course I want to know how she got it, of course I want to know where it came from, where it’s been and how she got it.

But no. All I get is this disappointing “don’t worry about how I got it” FUCK!!!

Having said that I can’t talk about Kanata’s without talking about how cool that vision Rey had was. Did anyone else notice that the ship that dropped her off as a child looks really similar to the ship Leia makes her entrance on?

But anyway back to my gripes.

Imagine you’re Poe Dameron and you’ve just undergone some of the worst torture you’ve ever experienced and then some storm trooper tells you he’s going to rescue you and get you out of there, are you really then going to engage in some jokes and backslapping? Are you really gonna go all buddy buddy and cutesy??

And this is my problem with all the comic relief in the film, it’s just so unnecessary. In the original trilogy the comedy is left by and large to the droids. This is a perfect little device that injects some levity without detracting from what’s going on around them. Abrams uses BB-8 for levity but also adds in all of this other crap which we just don’t need. In fact almost the entirety of Finn’s character is comic relief. Which is bizarre considering he enters the film as a Storm trooper with blood on his helmet and that his story of escape from the Empire.First Order is actually pretty dark.

Moving on what was the big bad weapon in this movie?? It was, wait for it… a Death Star…no but not the same as before…this one was BIGGER!!!

I mean what the fuck??? I can get over not knowing where the lightsabre came from, I can get over Poe Dameron slapping Finn on the back in a bizare buddy buddy fashion, but seriously what genius thought that in the new film instead of having any originality, instead of taking the opportunity to show us fans things we haven’t seen yet that could blow our minds, they would just bring back the same problem for the Alliance/Resistance to overcome that they always had. Did you find it as cringeworthy as me when Oscar Isaac said something along the lines of “no this isn’t like the Death Star…it’s bigger”. I mean please!

Then we come to Han Solo. Did you feel like you go the old Han? I kinda felt like I got Indiana Jones. Maybe they made him such a bumbling idiot because they knew they were going to kill him off, but for me that just took away some of the weight from what should have been a really dark moment. I mean c’mon, this is HAN SOLO the smuggler who shot Greedo first, this the Han Solo who says “I know” when a Princess tells him she loves him.

Damn shame. If he had been a serious character his death at the hands of his son would have been so much cooler. Kudos to Harrison Ford who had been arguing Solo should have been killed off since after the Emprie Strikes Back. It really added nicely to the film.

I loved the idea behind Kylo Ren. He’s intriguing (as the bad guys usually are) I would have liked to see more of him and I wish Abrams hadn’t made him such a whiny pussy. I really enjoyed the way his dilemma is how to stay with the dark side rather than Luke’s how to stay with the light side. I look forward to seeing how it will play out. I wonder if him and Rey are actually cousins not siblings as everyone seems to be claiming. I have feeling that Ray will turn out to be Luke’s daughter.

My initial disappointment has calmed with the passage of the last few days. I am yet to think of a specific scene I didn’t enjoy watching. What I really wish for though was some more characterisation, less slavish similarities with A New Hope and that Abrams would take a few more steps into a larger world.

I’m going back to the cinema to see the film again with my wife soon and despite all my gripes I can’t wait so I guess that says something good either about the film or the extent of my fandom…we’ll see what I take away from a second viewing. One thing the film really hilights is just how successful the cartoons have been at showing us a truly awesome Star Wars universe. One that Hollywood clearly just doesn’t have the balls to show us quite yet. Maybe this will change with the next movie. But never underestimate the ability of Hollywood to make us believe their hype only to fail to deliver.

May the Force be with us all!

Big Dizzle Asks:

And why did they have to land the millenium Falcon at the bottom of the mountain and make Rey climb all those stairs? Surely a Jedi would have the wit to land at the top. And if Luke saw them coming why didn’t he come down to meet them?