Recapping Handbook for Mortals
Part VII: The Moon or Zade Goes Camping with Mean Girls
Hi everyone! Sorry for the delay in recaps. I both had a reaction to my flu shot and couldn’t type for a few days, and grad school is in full swing and my Wednesdays are crazy and chaotic. However, wow, did so much happen yesterday in the world of Handbook for Mortals drama.
Sarem and Thomas Ian Nicholas had a signing at a Barnes and Noble in Wisconsin as the Wizard World Convention is near Madison this week. They are literally billing the book as a “23-hour NY Times Bestseller” and, of course, have no shame with the USA Today bestseller title she flatout bought herself either. However, I admit I think it’s kind of skeevy to bill yourself as if the Ny Times were endorsing you when, of course, she was stripped of that title after the fraud was more thoroughly investigated. Also, if you want to full blow-by-blow of the event a whopping four people wandered by, then read this entry from storify but the undercover attendant. She actually spoke with Sarem for half and hour. Allegedly, Sarem said that “It’s not my fault that Angie [Thomas of The Hate U Give] is a black writer.”
To be fair, Sarem has denied this. Of course, she’s played the victim this whole time, been caught in multiple lies for months, has a transphobic book chapter, and literally uses a racial slur for people of Romani descent in her Twitter handle, so I’m more likely to think it did happen and she’s covering her ass. I’m just saying that, personally, I can’t verify this happened 100% but it is the current Twitter buzz about the book.
Second this is basically the most amazing thing ever that Thomas Ian Nicholas tried to pull off while flying into Madison:
Basically, they’re trying to pretend that Handbook for Mortals is for sale in airport book shops. That’s not a thing as many people on book twitter explained. First, based on the wear and tear, it’s obviously the same bok each time. Second, YA hardback isn’t placed with adult thriller paperbacks. And third, there isn’t just one copy available at a time…etc. They tried to scam but, like always, their own laziness seems to defeat them.
Third, I highly recommend @mynameismarines twitter recap under the tag #snarkformortals. It’s very funny, and she’ll be having a video about it later in the week.
Finally, Handbook for Mortals was back on Netgalley for free arcs for a few days, but that seems to have been a limited release as it’s been taken down again. Maybe little birdies can hook you up, but, please, just follow recaps or read the preview. Don’t line this woman’s pockets. She’s a scam artist who keeps misrepresenting her sales record, lies, plays the victim, disparages other authors, and plagiarizes artwork. It’s not worth it. Besides, as Claribel Ortega has said, this book basically has no plot and is very, very dull in most parts.
Basic summary — A few days after her invitation from Mac, Zade goes camping with the crew where Sofia and her friend are mean to her, Mac gives her mixed signals, Jackson continues to flirt, and the rest of the crew’s guys continue to suck up to her. Oh, she also misuses her magick in public but no one notices cause then we’d have conflict and a hint of a plot. That’s it.
A) Quotes
I should have probably put my tent up right when we got there, but instead went swimming and messed about till it was after dark. I’d been trying to put up my tent for nearly forty-five minutes in the blackness of night, and I was getting frustrated. I knew I could have asked someone for help, but it had gone on too long. My pride wouldn’t allow it.
I have the feeling that Sarem’s, er, “Zade’s” pride gets in her way a lot.
She still struggles to put up her tent but has time for another, classic Zade paragraph of thought where she wonders about the same thing in 2–3 different ways in a row. This time, it’s about the stars at night in the desert:
The campfire glowed warm and orange in the dark night, and the stars were shining brightly against the night sky. I’d begun to get used to being in Las Vegas, where it’s actually hard to see the stars because of the bright lights that are everywhere. Apparently, moonlight and large glittery casino lights drown out all but the brightest stars. At least out here by the lake they could shine brightly and sparkled with such beauty. I think no matter how old I get I will always be amazed how stars take my breath away. It reminds me of a quote that I’ve always loved: “[A] star is a huge flaming ball of gas. . . . [T]hat is not what a star is, but only what it is made of.” What we are made of and what we are, are not there same.”
Also, not a surprise for someone who plagiarized the work of Gill de Mace, but Sarem here quotes C.S. Lewis, whose work is not out from under copyright in the United States yet, and fails to attribute the quote properly or even mention it’s from The Dawn Treader.
At that exact moment, I wished I had a guy. If I had been dating someone, anyone, then he would have also been sleeping in the tent with me — and therefore helping me put it together. Not that I couldn’t do it by myself, but I liked the idea of having someone to do things with.
Also may I present our strong, independent heroine, ladies and gentlemen.
Then screw it. She just magicks the thing into place with all the crew around but, phew, no one notices.
I looked around, making sure no one else was right around me. I looked down at the tent that was not remotely a tent at the moment — just a pile of plastic and tarp on the ground. I rarely, if ever, used my magick for mundane things, but thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to use it just once.
Hogwarts would be so angry. That’s totally an infraction there.
Then she goes to the fire to sit next to her crush Jackson Rathbone, um, Milsap. However, not before Zeb can act suspicious of her. To be fair, if he had been acting suspicious because she was weird/off somehow, that would be fair since she magicked her tent together in public.
Jackson looked up at me before scooting over to allow space for me to sit down and offered me a beer. Zeb instantly looked annoyed that their conversation had been interrupted and he stood up. Without acknowledging me, he said, “I think I’m going to go stretch my legs for a bit. I’ll talk to you later, Jackson.” As he stomped away, he barely looked at me and grumbled “Zade” as a sort of half hello.
“Uhh. Bye, Zeb,” I said sadly before I took the beer and smiled softly. “Why does Zeb not like me?” I asked as I sat down. The moment I was seated Jackson slid back toward me, taking away any extra space that had between us. The sides of our thighs were now touching. He leaned in. His eyes flashed.
Again, as with Mac in earlier chapters, I was hoping that Zeb was maybe being set up as a possible witch hunter or even a magickal community enemy. He is not. As Jackson explains right away, he just wants to get used to the people who join the cast and crew since so many people come and go so fast. So, again, yay, avoiding conflict. Do you see how boring this is? The good part about reading a book is the plot and in order to drive the plot there needs to be conflict in every chapter. The character needs a goal, motivation to achieve that goal and should be working toward it in every chapter. If your scene or chapter doesn’t forward your character’s goal and doesn’t place conflict in their way to make it harder to achieve said goal, then it’s a waste of pages and should be cut.
Jackson asks her if she misses home, which she does. That surprised me based on chapter one, erm, zero where she goes on to elaborate about how no one gets her and how speshul she is. After dumping on Centreville, TN, for being close-minded to the local Tarot readers, I assumed she couldn’t wait to leave.
Jackson nodded. “Copy that.” I’d learned that that was an expression a lot of the crew said a lot in place of “okay.” It’s radio lingo that had made its way into regular conversation. It was funny to hear at first but I had gotten used to it. I even kind of liked it.
“I miss my mom a lot though. Even though she drives me crazy,” I added.
First, I get that Sarem (claims to have)/has theater experience, but she works so hard to hamfistedly shoved in infodump details we don’t need. Most people have seen a movie with a radio in it or walkie talkies, so this is assuming the audience is basically composed of idiots. Second, it’s irrelevant to the rest of the conversation and just exists to show that Sarem knows about the THEATRE and you don’t, dear reader. Finally, I don’t buy that Zade misses her mom. Last time, she was about to slug her.
Out of the corner of her eye, Zade notices Mac looking a bit salty/upset and then eventually gets a chance to go over to him as well. She notes this about his appearance:
As the night had progressed, the desert air had gotten chillier and more crisp. Mac had on a slightly puffy jacket with the collar turned up, and he looked rather “Abercrombie and Fitch” leaned up against the tree. I realized this was also the first time I had seen him out of his work attire: his standard black Dickies and a black button down, his “show blacks,” or his occasional Carhartts if he was doing something more mechanical that day. Instead, he was wearing fitted Levi jeans with the bottoms of the legs slightly rolled up and a long-sleeve red, blue, and yellow linen plaid shirt.
I’ll admit, until I heard more details about 100 Monkeys fandom from some little birdies, I assumed that between the Superman reference and the Abercrombie and Fitch reference that, somehow, in her head, Sarem was envisioning Tom Welling of Smallville as Clark “Mac” Kent. However, the little birdies indicated that this was another band crew member she’d written into her real person fic love triangle. Also, to be fair, Mac is described as both about 6' (a bit short for most Superman actors) and also as a blond. Still, I’m going to use a gif here so, you can’t stop me.
Also, after having had a break from product placement, it’s back with a vengeance with brands. As a friend pointed out, does anyone under thirty even care about Abercrombie and Fitch. You know, cause “YA.”
Mac’s eyes followed me as I approached him, but he waited for me to get right up to him before he spoke. “Magi Girl,” he said as he grinned. It had become a playful nickname that I was starting to not even mind anymore.
“Hey, Superman,” I said playfully. I leaned up against the tree facing him; due to the cold I crossed my arms and pinned them against my chest.
Mac had one hand jammed into his pocket, while his other was holding a beer close to his face. He chuckled slightly at my response. “Are you glad you came out?” Mac asked me, staring at the ground while his right boot pushed a small rock across the dirt. Technically, he had been the one to invite me and yet I still wasn’t sure with what intention. So far he had made a point of keeping his distance to a certain extent all day — or at least that was how it had seemed. I was getting the feeling that he had just invited me to be nice, not for anything more, as I at one point had thought.
“Yeah. It’s nice to hang out with people and pretend as if I have friends.” I fidgeted. I paused for a moment before adding, “Are you glad I came?” I immediately regretted the question, and it seemed like a pretty silly thing to ask once I actually uttered it out loud.
Why yes, these forced nicknames are going to be a running joke between the characters. No, they never get better when you read them. Finally, you get to feel the boring block of stage directions and Zade reflecting in a removed way about her feelings in the middle of the dialogue just like I do.
While, I never can get over how incredibly dumb and transparent the Superman references are, I actually hate Magi Girl more because it’s just a trying-too-hard nickname. It makes me think more of Christmas or the O. Henry short story and it throws me out of the story every time.
Then the main “dramatic thrust” of the chapter starts. Riley needs Mac’s attention for something so Zade can’t really question him more about why he seems upset over her sitting near Jackson Rathbone, erm, Milsap. When he leaves, Sofia and another girl from the show, Mel, come over to be complete Mean Girls to her.
“You’re wasting your time, honey,” Sofia said with some sort of weird empathy in her tone that was similar to how you break the news to a twelve-year-old that her dog had just died.
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I had no idea what she was even referring to as far as what I might be “wasting my time” about, not to mention the strange new behavior from Sofia who had, so far, ignored or snubbed me when we were at the theater. Maybe she was trying to be nicer since I had saved her life. Somehow I doubted that, considering she still hadn’t even thanked me — or even apologized for being mean and pushing me away when I was in the middle of saving her life.
“Mel and I see you flirting with Mac,” Sofia said softly as she batted her eyes and me.
Mel interjected flippantly, “Not dating performers is a rule of his. I’m sure you’ve heard about them by now. The man lives by his rules. Don’t take it personally.” While Mel spoke, her head shook from side to side. It made me wonder if she had anything inside of it, or if it just kind of bobbled around with empty space.
Again, we see how nasty and bitchy and jealous the other girls are, especially Sofia, who basically has Charles to date but for some unclear reason doesn’t want Zade to stake a claim on Mac either. It doesn’t make much sense, but it basically only exists to show that Zade is the virtuous one and that Sofia is the slutty one who takes advantages of others. Again, Zade’s not like other girls because they’re all jealous of her. Again, that sounds very, very familiar. Also, even though we’re supposed to like Zade, she keeps making those snap judgements. Granted, we don’t know much about Mel (I think she led the presentation of the cake for the birthday party out a chapter or two again). Still, Zade’s as prone to judge and nasty in her own way as Sofia is.
“Look. We get it,” Sofia said as she smiled. “We both tried to tame that rugged exterior at one point, and if we couldn’t break him, then don’t think you’ll change him either.”
I’m confused. Is Mac a person or a horse? I don’t like objectifying men or women or anyone at all. So the fact that Sofia views him as just an animal to tame essentially instead of a real person is gross, agreed. She’s not a good person, but that doesn’t make Zade by contrast a decent person either.
The girls keep needling at Zade and then resort to accusing her of being stuck up and thinking she’s prettier than they are. Then it gets amazing.
Mel seemed offended as she snapped back: “You actually think you’re hotter than either one of us?” Mel licked her lips and narrowed her eyes as she crossed her arms and tilted her head. I contemplated my options for a moment to make sure my answer was truly a good answer — not just something spiteful.
“Physically?” I replied. “No, not a chance. You’re both far more beautiful than I am, if we’re talking about the outside. But have you ever bothered to see what you look like on the inside? There’s a song called ‘Ugly Girl’ that I swear is about both of you. I’ll play it for you sometime.” Sometimes I wished I could be the star in my own movie so at moments like that the song I was thinking of (in this case by the band 100 Monkeys) could start playing. I looked at each of them and then turned sharply and walked away in the same direction that Mac had gone. I didn’t want to be there anymore talking to them so I decided that I was going somewhere — anywhere that wasn’t with them.
This movie so far has its own power shots hinted at with Zade in chapter zero wishing for a shot of her hair blowing in the wind. Then there’s the in-built casting with hints about Jackson Rathbone playing himself as well as Harrison Ford playing Charles Spellman (there will be more casting wishes, promise). Now we have the soundtrack from, of course, Rathbone’s band 100 Monkeys and the description of sort of a power moment of a montage of Zade walking away from the mean girls of Mel and Sofia. Sarem could not be more desperate to get the so-called movie made.
We have another jump to italics and a close third person perspective even though the story is usually intended to be first person from Zade’s perspective. In this case, we get a bit inside of Sofia’s head. She’s upset and at least part of her reasons for not wanting Zade to date Mac are revealed.
“I don’t like her, and if they start dating she’ll end up more privileged than she already is,” Sofia replied, resentful of being upstaged in the theater she had claimed as her own. She was bitter and angry and it showed even in the falling darkness.
I really don’t know how dating the technical director makes Zade more privileged than being the lover of the show’s star, but that’s an attempt at logic. It’s a failed attempt, but it’s technically there. Also, Sarem continues to excel and telling and not showing as she literally states all the emotions Sofia is feeling because, frankly, conveying things is hard.
Then, to end the chapter as we often do, Jackson randomly appears to talk up how awesome Zade is.
“If it matters, I don’t agree with her. I think she’s much hotter on the outside, as well as the inside.” Jackson tipped his beer bottle at them and walked away.
B) Biggest Anti-Save the Cat Moment — Zade thinking about how Mel is as empty and vacuous as a bobble head, basically revealing she’s as judgemental as Sofia, our “antagonist.”
C) Biggest Mary Sue Moment — The walking away in her head and imagining starring in her own film (hint hint, guys) while 100 Monkeys plays her off.
D) Brand Names — Levi’s, Carhart, and Abercrombie and Fitch
E) Celeb Cameos or Mentions — The Band 100 Monkeys
F) Most Teenage Friendly Reference — Maybe Levi’s, themselves, which seem to me more like an 80s and early 90s brand, but that could just be me.
Next = “Strength a.k.a. Slurs and the Best Guest Star Cameos Ever”
Margaret Bates is the president and co-founder of Legendary Women, Inc., a site that seeks to promote positive portrayals of women in the media. She’s also a ghostwriter, developmental editor and writing coach. You can find more info at her site. Also, she’s partaking in the Maryland Romance Writers’ auction, which has some amazing prizes, including agents reading pages. Please come and bid!
