8 Fool-Proof Ways To Never Get Bedbugs

In today’s never-ending tide of think-pieces about seeing the world, it’s no wonder young people everywhere are being bitten by the travel bug! Then the travel bug burrows into their clothes and bedding, infesting your home and drinking your blood!

It’s booming business to be a bed bug these days — and every itch and twitch is a definite sign that you might/definitely have an infestation. The good news is there are a few foolproof ways to make sure you get rid of bedbugs and never let them back in.

1. Apply Some Diatomaceous Earth!

If you suspect you already have bed bugs — kill yourself! Haha! Just kidding that’s called black humour, and it does not work on removing bedbugs. Instead, apply a perimeter of diatomaceous earth around your house. There is now only a 65% chance you have bed bugs — wildly reduced from the 100% chance you had bedbugs before.

2. Throw it In the Dryer!

After travelling empty your belongings into the dryer. Set it for at least an hour on the hot cycle. Once the cycle is finished, your friend with a pickup truck should be arriving any moment. Load up the dryer into the back of the pickup truck with your belongings still inside. Once at the quarry, firmly push the dryer off the jagged cliff and place your hand at your ear until you hear the thundering crash of the appliance against the rocks below. You no longer have (as many) bed bugs! 
 
 However, the quarry has bed bugs now.

3. Be Aggressive!

If you feel a pinch or itch at night, make sure to turn on all the lights, throw off the covers and look for the bed bugs. An oversized magnifying glass or jeweler’s loupe are the perfect instruments for the job. Bed bugs are very clever and can hide in many forms. Be it dead skin, sock lint, sesame seed, or your leg hair tickling your other leg, it is definitely a bed bug. This puts you in a precarious position. You can apply more diatomaceous earth, or you can take a more aggressive approach, challenging the bed bugs to a proper duel. Procure a leather glove and smack the bedspread, demanding satisfaction. Your terms: pistols at dawn.

4. Appeal to the Old Gods!

Pour out the box of diatomaceous earth in a large circle on the floor. Within that circle pour out diatomaceous earth into an intricate rune pattern. Once completed, visit your local farmer’s market. Visiting the farmer’s market always makes you feel better. After you purchase your local produce and a funnel cake — you’ve had a rough week — purchase a philter of goat’s blood. When you’re back home and the local produce is in the fridge, drizzle the goat’s blood over your rune and begin your Sacrifice to the Old Gods. There is a high likelihood that invoking the Nameless Old Gods will completely rid your home of bed bugs. There is also a high likelihood that invoking the Old Gods will completely rid your home of humans, but the bed bugs will be gone too.

5. Appeal to the New Gods!

On the off chance that you incorrectly summoned the Nameless Old Gods to scorch the earth, don’t worry! You can always appeal to the New Gods! Your first step is to find an unused envelope, pen, and paper. If you cannot leave your house without risking further infestation, write on a leaf. Writing on a leaf will likely expedite your process, because it’s remarkably pathetic. Address the letter to “160 E Pearson St, Chicago, IL” in care of “The woman who reads mail to Oprah while she solves the world quinoa crisis”.

Enclose one of the dead bed bugs in your envelope/leaf and with any luck, Oprah will have you airlifted to one of her Chateaus in Vermont within the week. You will live in the care of her therapy dogs. Once you are safely sleeping on the human sized dog bed, Oprah will enlist a crew of entomologists to humanely return the bed bugs to their natural habitat — a Sulfuric cave from which no light can escape, bordering on a lake of human blood.

6. See a Doctor About your Delicious Blood!

Speaking of human blood! A lot of people don’t know is that bed bugs survive on human’s blood alone. This might seem like a bummer, but this is actually a good news bad news situation. The bad news is you are full of human blood! But the good news is that you don’t have to be! Talk to your family doctor about replacing your blood with a red liquid such as Capri Sun or Ragu Classico Marinara.

When your family doctor has you forcibly removed for “crazy sounding mouth sounds” consult the physician who works out by the dumpster behind the Cinnabon. The good news is after treatment your home should be bed bug free and your blood should be Authentico Italiano. The bad news is your dumpster doctor gave you scabies — which is another article altogether.

7. Live a Fulfilling Life Paralyzed With Fear!

And lastly, Avoid using public transportation. Avoid going to restaurants. Avoid going to the movie theatre. Avoid shopping for clothing. Avoid wearing clothing. Avoid owning a closet. Avoid visiting friends homes who have recently been in public. Avoid having friends visit you. Avoid having friends. Avoid leaving the safe diatomaceous earth perimeter of your bathroom. Die alone.

8. Finally, Consult a Professional!

Following these simple steps it’s easy to avoid bedbugs, and lead a rich, fulfilling life within the diatomaceous earth perimeter you have drawn in your bathroom. If bed bugs still persist, it’s probably time to call a professional.

Head out of town for a couple days to let them work — the products used are often unsafe for humans. When you return your home will be completely charred in a heap where it once stood. It will look like an accident — so get ready to file that insurance claim! If you’re still feeling that nighttime itch, sleeping on the melted bulk skid of diatomaceous earth you bought, holding the charred remains of your childhood keepsakes, now you should kill yourself.
 
 Pretty much all the data suggests that there are no bed bugs in the afterlife. 
 
 But you can never be too cautious: so after travelling to the afterlife make sure to put your belongings into the dryer on the hot cycle.