“I’m fat, so no eating ice-cream in public”
That was a rule I had for myself during my teenage years, going on my early 20s. I felt judged, looked at whenever I dared to eat ice-cream in public. I would imagine people around me thinking: “how can you eat that when you look like that?”
I grew up thinking:
Thin: GOOD. BEAUTIFUL. SUCCESSFUL. HEALTHY. ACCEPTED. STRONG. CONFIDENT.
Fat: BAD. UGLY. DEPRESSED. LACK OF SELF-RESPECT. NO SELF-CONTROL. ALONE. WEAK.
Where it all started for me.
I remember being around 7 years old and my mom helping me fit into my shorts. As she was trying to button it up she looked at my belly, touched it and looked up to me and said in a very serious, almost upset way: “this belly is getting fat”. I felt terrified and in trouble. At that age, I knew how fearful she was of being overweight (she wasn’t!) and she had done a great job passing on that fear to her children.
I grew up fearful of being fat or getting “fatter”. I loved to eat cookies and chocolate (still do) and every afternoon, I would find a way to indulge in cookies that I bought or made myself (a tradition I keep alive). And after eating them, feeling so guilty and afraid of getting bigger (not anymore).
It is interesting that I also grew up being very active. I didn’t walk. I ran. All my games involved running as fast as possible, which got me to spend my high-school years as an athlete for the track and field team. One day, a few years ago, I was watching a family video of a day at the pool. I was around 12–14 years old and I didn’t recognize the image of me on the TV. I was so muscular, so fit and so different than how I felt I was. Those years I felt imperfect everywhere, somehow ashamed of how I looked.
I feel I was built to be extremely self-conscious of how I looked and give it more importance than it needed. But I realize now that no matter how I looked, all I could see were imperfections.
And now I ask myself: How did I go from feeling bad about how I looked, experiencing the fear of being judged, to judging others for how they looked or the decisions they made about their bodies?
Is it that when we are seeing the “negative*” in others, what we are truly doing is seeing the “negative” in us?
*What’s negative to me doesn’t have to be negative to others. This is just me judging something or someone based on the rules built up in my head.
Yes, I do like being fit. I like looking at myself in the mirror and appreciating what’s on the other end. With the years though, I have realized that those feelings of self-appreciation come from places far beyond how my belly looks or how I fit in my jeans.
IT’S BEEN A LONG JOURNEY
My wife can tell you... She’s put on a few pounds since we met and the first few years I did not let her forget.
(Please know my mind and my whole body is about to explode of how horrible I feel about all this!).
I would keep up with what she was eating, how many times she said she was going to lose weight and didn’t and her lack of commitments with exercising. A-w-f-u-l, I know. At one point, she asked me to stop doing all that. I wholeheartedly committed to doing so, occasionally getting back into my old routine of evaluating and giving my unnecessary opinion…How is she still with me? A mystery!
For a while I have been in this journey of seeing life from other people’s points of view. The way we are, how we were brought up, the color of our skins, the size we wear, our gender, spiritual practices, sexuality, nationality and habits, creating life experiences so diverse and impossible to fully understand.
I have come to understand that my life and how I see and feel things are unique to my own life experience, who I am and what I am.
Being “Fat” is another way of living. And it can be a GREAT way of living too for many people that on a daily basis feel afraid, ashamed, judged and quickly dismissed.
WHO IN THE WORLD AM I TO JUDGE?
I apologize to everyone and anyone I have offended or judged in the past for being overweight or putting on a few pounds, including a younger me. A lot of faces come to mind, so I AM SORRY.
And here is what I want to say to you:
If you want to be fat, be fat.
If you want to be thin, so be it.
Be whoever you want to be, but here is my request: BE PROUD ABOUT IT.
Wear your body like if it was the hottest thing walking in this planet. Chest up, head high and with a little swing in those hips.
We are all as beautiful as we believe we are. So, believe it: You are the most beautiful thing in this world.
We have heard so many times lately: “Our happiness comes from within” and I stand by that. The more we embrace ourselves, who we are and what we experience, the more satisfied we are going to be with our lives, thin, fat and anything in between.
I read in a book recently that we must read and listen from people that experience life from a very different point of view than ourselves. I ran into this TED Talk and I think you should watch it too.
