How does one forgive themselves when the one who you hurt, whom you love, refuses to do so?
This…is a sensitive and confusing subject for me. I am in love with someone who absolutely hates me. I have tried multiple ways and means with increasing desperation to try and appeal to her, but to no avail. We once had the closest of bonds, and this woman literally worshipped the ground I walked on, but I changed. I became majorly depressed, I became angry at times, I drank a lot and shirked any and all responsibilities. She understandably eventually became disillusioned and moved out. Eventually she became irate. What was at the beginning “I miss you”s warped into “fuck you”s.
This was six months ago, and I have been through therapy (still attend), have gotten my shit together, quit drinking, quit smoking — I changed my entire life because I love this woman. The reasoning for my depression and my outward reactions have no bearing in the matter as she has refused to accept it as any legitimate reasoning at all. I suspect now based on things said in conversation and facts I know about her that she too may have suffered a similar fate to my own some time ago, and based on her own personal reactions in dealing with it, my responses were invalid and unacceptable.
To say that I am sorry does not convey my true feelings on the matter. I am devastated and ashamed of myself. I have torn myself up and down, dismantled myself piece by piece and slowly reassembled myself in order to change for this woman — because I love her, because I am sorry and because I do not ever want to make the same mistakes again. This has been the most difficult, painful, eye opening, and rewarding period of my life. I have read more and learned more in six months than perhaps I did in the six years previous. I write religiously, and I am always thinking about what I did, where I went wrong, and how I can fix it. But I can’t…she hates me as much as she once loved me, and I have been over compensating as a result to my detriment.
I am fairly certain that she will never forgive me. I wish that was not true, but it is a fact that I have to accept. However, as a result, I cannot forgive myself. Perception is in the eye of the beholder, and she believes that I am a monster. Her anger and pain make it impossible for me to find any peace or forgiveness for myself. It’s all I ever think about, how I disappointed her, how I hurt her, and how I could possibly make it right. I have never loved anyone in my life until this woman came into my life — I mean real gut busting love. The kind of love that makes you go through the efforts I have and still go through in the blind hope that something will fundamentally change and I might speak to her at some point. I worry about her constantly even though it would likely anger her if she found that out. It is not like her to be angry like this, not even remotely close to her personality — and I did this. I can’t fix it.
I used to think I was my own worst critic. I now take that back. My self criticism now is based on her perception of me, and how I perceive she views me. This is where the over compensation comes in play, as I never feel like I do anything good enough and I feel like a constant disappointment no matter how hard I try. Not with her, as we don’t exactly speak any longer, but with others yes, and with women…god. I have no interest in it, but I couldn’t date someone if I wanted to for this very reason. I’m paralyzed, I feel like a failure, I hate myself, and I just don’t know if I can forgive myself regardless of how much I have changed. This is my life — in love with a woman who hates me and won’t forgive me, and an absolute inability to forgive myself for having hurt her the way that I did. This is the direction that my therapy is taking me now, trying to forgive myself. The words flow in and out of my head because I just don’t believe them…it’s going to be a long process…