To be so stupid…


…Is a blessing and a curse. When it shields you from the reality of your own foolish actions, it must be a blessing. That’s what they say anyway. Unfortunately, I am not quite that level of stupid. I’m only dumb enough to shoot myself in the foot, but not so dumb that I can’t feel the pain. The eyes cannot unsee the things they do not want to see. Why can’t I at least be that blind? Damnit…I cannot get the image out of my head. I tried, only to wake up here in the middle of the night and have it emblazoned on my retinas the moment I opened my eyes. I have given up everything and changed my entire life for fools gold. For nothing. I have cried literally a million tears as I shed myself of what had hurt me in hopes of reclaiming what soothed me. But I had already lost. I lost it a lifetime ago. All I have left are images I can’t look at, and one single image that I wish I hadn’t seen but is now so prominently displayed in my cortex that I fear it may never be removed no matter what I use to try to scrub it away. Life is kind, life is cruel. I have tried so very hard to strive for the kindness, but I am undeserving. I am unworthy of such a life of kindness. I am only deserving of the scorn and hatred, of being pointed at and laughed at.

“This is what your life could have been, Cameron, if only you deserved it. But you don’t, asshole, so here’s a heaping helping of your heart on a plate. Go ahead, dig in!”.

I can almost hear those words mocking me. This is what I have earned — nothing but the hole in my chest where my heart once beat. So I will pull up a chair, and I will eat. Because it is what’s fair, because it is what you want. And I’ll do my best to put a smile on my face as I am doing so…because I am stupid.

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