Loving an Emotionally Unavailable Man: Learning to Let Go of My Ideals and Facing the Reality of Toxic Relationship
Yesterday morning, I removed a man from my life that I deeply cherished.
If you’re reading this, you are probably wondering what happened and who. For starters, this has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride that I finally, finally decided to get off of and never get back on ever again.
It all started years ago — my infatuation and ideal of the beautiful man that he was. Or that I thought that he was.
Instead, men like him are usually selfish and emotionally unable to connect, due to behaviors that stem from selfishness. When someone does not take the time to heal from the inside out, they are like an open, gushing wound bleeding on everything and staining everything around it, leaving scars. The worst part is, they don’t even know that they’re bleeding on others with their toxicity because they’re too blind to see their unhealthy coping mechanisms or toxic behaviors.
What is an emotionally unavailable person? Well, basically it means that a person is unable to comprehend what one feels or unable to engage with another in a way that makes connecting with someone relatable and fulfilling.
This type of person has a hard time reciprocating what you are putting out or giving emotionally as well as mentally (affection, actionable love, words of appreciation, etc). Usually, thoughts, feelings, intents and actions that stem from loving someone.
Love is an action word. You show someone that you love them by showing them how much they mean to you (cards and mementos, gifts, letters, words of appreciation, expressions of love — taking someone out for dinner, for example.) This is just one of five ways what is known as a love language.
Have you ever looked into the Five Love Languages? I highly recommend looking into this so you know what kind of person you are and how you show love to others and receive from others. It will help you determine how you communicate love in relationships, friendships, the workplace, and in your family.
It was developed by marriage counseler, Dr. Gary Chapman to help couples strengthen their relationship with one another by analyzing patterns in his clients and what they wanted from their partner. He was then able to develop the The Five Love Languages after those patterns and it has expanded to include singles, professional relationships, friendships and family.
The Five Love Languages are broken down once you take the quiz to see where you most communicate better. It is designed to help you understand yourself while strengthening relationships. Each person communicates differently, but Dr. Chapman indicates that people often use all five, but there is a primary language that one tends to rely on the most. However, they can change and shift over time as people evolve, grow and mature. So, it is not entirely “set in stone.”
When I took the quiz, I found my primary love language is broken down as follows — courtesy of TheFiveLanguages[dot[com. In short, they are defined as:
- Acts of Service™ 33% — When others serve me out of love (and not obligation), I feel truly valued and loved.
- Words of Affirmation™ 27% — I thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build me up.
- Quality Time™ 23% — I deepen my connection with others through sharing time.
- Receiving Gifts™ 13% — Gifts are heartfelt symbols to me of someone else’s love and affection for me.
- Physical Touch™ 3% — Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to me. Note that this is the lowest score of all languages. I’m not particular in that I look for and embrace touch.
As for physical touch, I absolutely LOVE hugs! However, touch for me depends on the environment, timing, and affection of the other and how I feel about the person. I can love someone and still avoid hugging or touching someone if I am not feeling it. (This really depends on the person and how connected I feel to him or her.)
Speaking of, let’s get back to that unemotional man I just cut out of my life.
Ah yes, the man who ruined me. Who has marred my bitter heart as I write this. I’m going to be okay eventually. I have a big heart and there is plenty of fish in the sea, but I won’t be going fishing anything soon. I’m about to remain focused on my dreams and goals, love and work on myself and enjoy my singleness for a while.
I am a very emotional person, an empath, and I love deeply. I’m too nice is the problem. So many of my family and my friends tell me how sweet and nice I am. Well, being nice has gotten me into trouble more often than I want!
Mr. Emotionally Unavailable would often tell me that he was not an emotional person, but that he communicates through the physical — as most men do. But with men like him, it is on a whole other level!!
Red flag #1 — avoiding intimacy and any real intimate conversations, moments, personal discussions involving the future and relationship.
The majority of men typically communicate physically. However, this is the emotionally unavailable man’s safest place, which he elevates to a higher level over the typical way a man communicates physically. The physical space allows him to avoid the messiness and complications that emotions can bring.
For this type of man, he will stay here in this physical space. He is a creature of comfort — it will ALWAYS be about what will SERVE him, NOT you.
As somone who loves people — someone who loves hard, it has been HARD to let him go, I admit that. Until NOW.
I let him go the first time around. When he told me that he could not do relationships or be emotional, I accepted that. But, after we got together, I got attached to him. I fell head over heels in love with him, but I ended up getting hurt because he lacked the ability to meet me where I am.
I am a woman. We are nurturers, caregivers, lovers, and we will love and love wholeheartedly! I made the mistake of falling in love with this man.
In order to detach, I disconnected from him. But, it didn’t last. It took a year for him to return back to my life. You think I would have learned my lesson, but nope. I accepted him back into my life (insert facepalm here).
You know the saying that “hurt people hurt people?” That is very true. Often, it’s usually because when someone is hurting that bad, they aren’t even aware of how they affect others. The person is too wrapped up in his or her own pain to see how their behavior is affecting the other person.
On top of that, the person does not even realize how toxic they are becoming — what is not healed on the inside, will erupt on the outside as bad behaviors. These behaviors stem into negative ways, ways that may be upsetting, unsettling, or make you cringe.
Usually, it is a behavior or action that communicates a certain vibe that you owe something to them. The person usually will take from you without giving much in return. You end up feeling bad about yourself or you may feel doubt and then revert into “people-pleasing” mode to “make up” for the lack of affection in return. That’s me because it stems from some childhood trauma (for another time, another blog).
When someone cuts off their ability to feel, to embrace love, to be open and vulnerable and transparent, it is difficult to get close to or in an intimate space with the person because there is a wall that he or she has put up. Like someone who wants to prove something, I wanted to scale up that wall and come over to the other side. I wanted things to work. To turn out and manifest into my ideal of making this thing a relationship.
Sadly, when you live in this type of fantasy, you’ll end up getting hurt. Well, that was me — the one who was affected by his actions. Not once, but twice!! (◔_◔) Good, Lord. I am a fool! (>ლ) 🤦🏻♀️
Learning the second and third time around. I finally got some sense knocked into me.
I am a FOOL that I have ever held on this long to a man who could care less about my feelings.
I have been “in love” with this man in particular since we reconnected in 2015. He was everything I wanted in a man — masculine, old world, hard working, a good provider to his children as a single father and a protector.
We had served in the Navy many years ago so I felt this special bond with him. When I moved to the same city he lived in due to a new job, I was so happy and ecstatic that I would be where he is. I had loved him from afar and now I could be even more closer to making my dream that much more closer to a reality. Or, so I thought.
Instead of a dream come true, however, it became a nightmare. I have been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life over the last two years since I slept with him.
I was too blind to see what I see now — that he is an emotionally unavailable man, incapable of giving me what I want and need. Too selfish to trust and too selfish to let go of his ego and pride. At the center of men like him is his ego. You don’t damage a man of this caliber. You damage his ego when you refuse to cater to his terms and convenience.
I thought we had a pretty good solid friendship, but looking back now — I see there really was no solid anything. Only his selfishn motives of what can serve his needs. Basically, it stems from self-absorbed pain, so when it is not dealt with — when Mr. Emotionally Unavailable does not take the steps necessary to tap into his feelings, deal with it and heal (hence, the term “emotionally unavailable.”), you get caught up in toxic relationship.
For me, I went through Cognitive Processing Therapy to deal with my hurt and my pain. It is one of many therapies that are available today to help one through Post-Traumatic symptoms, negative beliefs, a limited mindset mentality and self-inflicting thoughts that are often associated with a traumatic association, person, or event. I highly recommend this kind of therapy for helping to breakthrough the “it’s my fault” mentality. Blaming self is not the answer when someone or something happened to you that was OUT of YOUR control.
I’ve since done more than therapy on my journey to heal, but that is just one of many things I have done to help myself move forward, grow and not let mental health challenges control or dictate my life. This is why I don’t mind writing about my experiences — if I can help someone else make a slight positive change in their life learning from me, then I’m fulfilling my purpose.
When you are going through something that is hard, my recommendation is not to ask yourself “Why. Why me?” Instead, look at what you’re going through as a lesson. What is this situation teaching me?
For my situation with this toxic connection, I am learning that you may love someone so much, but you cannot fix a person. Until a person admits that he needs help, he will never change.
I am learning that you don’t have to chase people to make them part of your life or chase them for love and affection. The people that WANT you in their life, will MAKE TIME for you, not excuses. They will be there FOR YOU in your time of need. They will want to share their space with you and show their appreciation for you.
Looking back, I see that he was never really there for me to be honest. A man who is interested in you will show that he is. Genuinely. I was pursuing him. I wanted a relationship with him so bad that I became a pursuer even when I wasn’t intending to be.
Red flag #2: He makes excuses.
Every time I tried to make plans to get together or suggest getting together, there was always an excuse. When I did come around, it was late at night — sneaking in and out of his house trying to hide away from his kids. At first, it was kinda thrilling. I felt like we were teenagers again (and not in our 40’s) doing things that our parents forbade us to do.
After awhile, it became burdensome. Whenever he wanted to get together, I would ask if I needed to be sneaky and he would say yes. I just couldn't do it anymore. I recognized that I was not going to be in an open relationship with this man no matter how much I longed to be.
We became distant yet once again, messaging one another here and there. He would flirt and try to tempt me into sneaking away with him, but deep inside, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel right about it. I didn’t want that. I wanted a relationship, but he is incapable of being in a relationship.
A healthy relationship is built on openness, trust, transparency and intimate talks about goals, plans and things that really matter — like, making plans to involve one another in not only each other’s lives, but their family and children’s lives as well. When it’s serious, the relationship will elevate to the level of being introduced to family and friends. And kids, if you have them.
I used to hang around him and his children when we were just friends. When we became intimate, it became a whole different ball game. I was no longer in the luxury box, but in the stadium watching the game from afar.
The Unemotional Man avoids anything that will lead to long-term commitment. He will try to keep things as casual as he can. This is where it can get pretty sticky — the “Friends with benefits” zone. Be careful with this. If you are a deeply loving person who gets easily attached like myself, you will get hurt.
If you’re non-committed, then go at it. Enjoy the FWB thing. I, however, am not built for that. I want a husband, not a fling.
If you are looking for a relationship to invest in, this guy is NOT it. The Unemotional Man will only fit YOU into HIS plans or when the convenience strikes him. Any other time, he is making excuses or cancels last minute. This, in turn, will cause you to question yourself, maybe doubt yourself and lower your self-esteem because you think you did something wrong, but it’s not you — it’s him.
His inability to commit will put you on the bottom of his “priority list.” Sorry, girl friend, he’s just not that into you…er, me. He’s not that into me. I’m preaching to myself here, but if you can relate, then this message is for you, too.
I see now why it didn’t and why he will never be able to be in a relationship. He is incapable of love. Too stubborn to let down his guard because he has been burned so many times. And I haven’t? I’ve had my fair share of hurt, rejection, heartache and pain. He’s not the only man who has hurt me.
This reminds me — I should tell you about this other guy who was wining and dining me while seeing another woman behind my back, which then the situation “triggered” me and I ended up having a Post-Traumtic Stress reaction and suicidal tendencies. Thank God Almighty that I got out of that black hole. I never want to experience that ever again.
Going back to Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, the reality is, an emotionally unavailable man does not care for your feelings or emotions. He simply cannot because there is no emotional attachment. The primitive part of his nature has no relation to emotional reasonings or feelings.
The other day, Mr. Unemotional posted a photo of a new girl he just started seeing.
I told him congratulations for finding someone. That I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us even though I felt torn. Because I was in love with him. However, he told me he couldn’t do relationships when we were together, so…. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Anyway, back to the photo of him and this new chick, seeing this photo of him and a new girl made me feel hurt because he always made excuses every time I wanted to go out with him (remember Red Flag #2 above as mentioned earlier). Why am I sulking over this new girl and wasting my time over Mr. Emotionally Unavailable anyway?
If you haven’t gathered already from my blabbering, I love too much, too hard. Sometimes, I get hurt because of it. I still love this man, but I recognize that it is an unhealthy connection.
You must find it in yourself to put yourself first and love yourself enough to let go.
Which brings me to NOW — I finally found the courage to leave. FOR GOOD this time. I was afraid to let him go. I didn’t want to let him go because I do love him. (Or the version of him that I planted in my mind.) I wanted “us,” but “us” would never be. And that is the cold, hard truth — loving an emotionally unavailable man is like having a one-sided relationship. You’ll never get anywhere with a man like that.
It’s like a bristle brush. You like how smoooth it makes hair, but it’s painful if you rub it on your skin. The unemotionally unavailable man will rub you the wrong way every time. Sure, it might be exciting and beautiful at first. But then you’ll notice patterns, even get a gut feeling that tells you to run, but you ignore it and stay anyway in the hopes that things will eventually work out. Maybe you can fix him, maybe not. But you take the plunge anyway and do your best to make things work, but you’re the only one doing the work and then you end up getting hurt and exhausted in the end.
I became this fixer trying to fix something that is broken. Why? Why did I subject myself to being a fixer-upper when I shouldn’t have to? I understand that I am worty of so much more. I understand that I am deserving of more than meeting in secret and only getting together when it is convenient for him. I am worth so much more than that!
Time to let go. And, so I did.
I was afraid before. I didn’t want to lose him. We have a connection. We had history together. I loved him.
It is not enough to keep something in your life that does NOT serve YOU.
And so, I finally made the decision to cut all ties with him and block him out of my life for good so I can get my sanity and peace of mind back. It hurts like HELL, but I am worth more than this. I chose me over him and what could be to loving myself enough to walk away with my dignity still intact.
FINAL LESSON: Don’t Lower Your Dignity or Settle For Less
I feel sorry for the new girl. She has no idea what kind of man she will be dealing with when he finally unveils his nature. The patterns, the red flags. He will never be able to commit.
If you see these signs, RUN away!!!!
If you are in love with an emotionally unavailable man, PLEASE, PLEASE walk away. It’s not worth it. You can’t change him. You won’t be able to, no matter how much you try.
He has to recognize it in himself that he needs help, seek help and deal with the root of his emotional abandonment, and to love himself before he can love someone else.
I cannot express this enough!
PLEASE, if you are in a relationship or attempting a relationship with a man or woman who is not emotionally available — let him or her go. For your sake and your sanity. You’re worth more than his second base — where he keeps you just within reach, but you’re no where near close to the home plate. You’re only on the bottom of his lineup.
Ain’t nobody got time for a man like that!
You ain’t no hollaback, girl! Make room for the love you deserve.
