Pay Attention To Me

We have been living through some very difficult times lately. Natural disasters. Political turmoil. Racists marching in our streets. Families torn apart. And through it all, we prevail, blogging and tweeting our way through what is surely The End Times. There are so many hot takes to be had. So many good hot takes. I’m no statistician, but, according to my figures, in today’s tense cultural climate a really good and solid hot take is born roughly every four seconds. That’s per person. Think about that for a minute. I think Neil deGrasse Tyson would agree that those numbers, whatever they are, are absolutely astronomical.

There is also the matter of how are any of us supposed to even know where to turn for these takes that are so irresistibly hot? Without the hot takes, what is going to inspire our own, totally unique and authentic hot takes?

All of these issues are important, to be sure, but they still miss the mark on what truly matters, today and always, but especially today. Underneath all the noise, the fake news, and the very real dissolution of civil society, one fundamental truth is being ignored: I want you to pay attention to me.

There, I said it. Someone had to.

Now more than ever it is very important for you to take a deep, long look into your soul and ask yourself “what about Mariya?” Sure, I’m not really special, but isn’t that what makes me so special? I haven’t tried very hard to accomplish much, but isn’t that precisely what we should be celebrating? With everyone competing harder than ever for a piece of their hot take pie in a veritable Viral Wild West, it takes rare courage and restraint to remain more or less idle, only occasionally poking your head out into the world.

The truth is I have had many valuable life experiences that give me unique perspective on everything happening right now. I am sitting on some of the hottest takes that have ever been taken, but that’s not what this is about.

Pay. Attention. To. Me.

Be nice to me. Not too nice (see: creepy), but you know, just like, superficially pleasant. It makes me feel good and it makes you seem caring. Let’s face it, real intimacy and friendship are hard, but paying attention to me is easier than ever with the help of TheInternet.com. So smash that “like” button, my fellow Americans. Smash it hard.

I sincerely hope that reading this has given people new perspective. Thank you. We are all so brave.