I got a rash on my nose. I thought it was sunburn at first, but it’s not easy to tell — I’m still getting used to my new skin tone. When they said brown, I thought that would be great, a real improvement over the volunteers on the early trial…

A short sequel to ‘Audience Participation’ To: Acting-Mayor Helen Cook Barrowhurst Town Hall Barrowhurst-on-Helltide Middle England Dear Mrs Cook, We spoke briefly at the late Mayor Cornflower’s funeral regarding votes for demons — here are my thoughts: To be fair, I think the question caught Seb Cornflower by surprise. His…

To: Mayor S. Cornflower Barrowhurst Town Hall Barrowhurst-on-Helltide Middle England Dear Seb, Our phone conversation got cut short for some reason — I hope you are well, but I thought I heard a scream of pain before the line went dead. Anyway, here’s a summary of what I said. Yes…

Mechanisation is the key, so they said. Climate change, wars and crop failure have made food so scarce that the adverts really made sense to me. Mechanise. It’s the only way. Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes — I love that ad. The jolly jingle just hits the…

Mr R Burns Clerk to the Council Barrowhurst Town Hall Barrowhurst-On-Helltide Re: Lack of planning consent to install new mountains; keeping dragons in contravention of the Dangerous Wild Animals Act 1976; other issues Dear Mr Burns, Thank you for your recent letter regarding my new mountains, and the threat of…

Speed and judgement are key, but guile is the clincher in the Light-Speed Tourney. And courage, the belief in self and right. Oh, and trusting your carrier for optimum delivery, dropping the steed on trajectory, on time, in place. That’s how to win the twenty-first Light-Speed Tourney. No illegal tweaks…

I blame the tourists — that’s what they always say. Personally, I blame the postal service, but Mary Reynolds blames her cousin. Forget the damned tourists. They’re vaccinated for everything. The real killers now are industrial spills and incurable human stupidity — Mary’s cousin has that in full measure. Are…

We buried Dad today. New Dad, that is, not Old Dad. It was supposed to be last year, but then all those arguments — who to invite, who to include, who would be responsible for the final service. Dad was a complete pain about that. He’s been using the same…

Day one of a new life, pilot for a combat bot. That’s not on most people’s wish list — certainly not on mine. But we’re at war, the law is what it is, and there’s no budget for my ongoing medical care. Die or ride the hardware, so I chose…