Recognizing and Treating Millennialitis

I thought all the right thoughts today. I spent sufficient time cultivating my intellect by reading many articles about left-field topics. Each article was shared by a friend of mine on Facebook. That’s where I get the best news. All other actual news sources are so bought and biased.

Throughout the day, I remained sensitive to the plight of marginalized peoples. Medium turned up many well-written stories about Middle Eastern refugees today, for example.

I spent at least an hour and a half on my alma mater’s Careerlink website scanning for entry level jobs, and paid internships. My resume is solid as a rock, replete with information about my unique on-campus employment history, and my proudest achievements as a student and volunteer. Given this, I don’t know why none of the companies which I have applied to have contacted me. I’ve sent follow-up emails.

How could Rolling Stone and Vox fail to see that my interests and skills are so compatible with their mission? I suppose they have a ton of applicants.

It’s alright. I’ve got many irons in the fire, and I’m preparing to lay some more. It’s all about putting myself out there. The more I put myself out there, the more likely it is that a brand or company will recognize my drive and my work ethic.

I’m listening to Moby right now to stimulate creativity, but it’s also kind of boring. I saw Moby at a festival once. The set was alright, but it wasn’t really what I wanted.

I’ve kept in contact with a handful of professionals whom I’ve met in the past year. Nuggets of wisdom are passed back and forth through email conversations, but the nuggets travel one way, for the most part. These men and women are successful and, it seems, happy, and I try to pick their brains about how to achieve the same.

This in addition to asking if they’re aware of any open positions for someone like me.

I think I’ve got Millennialitis. That’s probably why all my sentences start with “I”, and why dissatisfaction with my lot in life spoils my comfort each day. I’m thinking all the right things, but I’ve yet to achieve anything significant. “How do I put myself in a position to succeed,” I keep asking.

An understanding of the world has come relatively easy to me. I know that I can produce top-notch research and copy for an online news organization, yet none seem to take an interest in me.

I’ve yet to see a doctor, or get an official diagnoses for my Millennialitis, but I’m sure I’ve got it. I think my particular condition is in fact Piscean Millennialitis. While the central affliction can take root in anyone ages 20 to 35, the Piscean qualifier affects only those born between February 20th and March 20th, and is marked by a severe disconnect between the world as it is, and the world as one sees it.

The symbol for the Pisces zodiac sign reflects the characteristic flaw of a Pisces — two fish, tied together at their tails, swimming in opposite directions. There’s the world as it is, and the world as one sees it.

So I suppose that while I know my skills are exceptional and my talents rare, the world knows not of this because I’ve shown and proven nothing.

In my mind exists the strength of character, the density of knowledge, the furnace of ideas, and the flexibility of language which these days earns a wage and produces worthy pieces of journalism and opinion.

Yet in the world, nothing yet exists which demonstrates these abilities of mine.

Thus the Piscean disconnect has, up to this point, prevailed. Compounded with my Millennialitis, it’s easy to perceive this disconnect as something that is part of the exterior world, and not of my own disposition. It’s easy to just sit, to continue thinking the right thoughts, and wait for my trophy which will inevitably come because good things come to those who wait.

Or not.

If you or someone you know is also plagued by Millennialitis, I’ve got some tips on how to remedy the condition. Perhaps after reading my diatribe you’d hold me in no position to offer advice. Perhaps you’re right, but that hasn’t stopped Joel Osteen, and it won’t stop me.

So once a day, I take a reality check. Thorough, affordable reality check brands include Earth to Millennial, Before You Wreck Yourself, and Fucking Check Yourself. This last one is not to be confused with Check Your Privilege, an increasingly popular brand which makes bogus claims about rectifying one’s character and creating awareness.

Twice I day, I apply significant amounts of elbow grease to my endeavors. Despite a name which connotes physical activity, elbow grease can be applied to mental activities as well, like writing, researching, or job hunting.

Elbow grease and reality checks are simple, affordable methods for downplaying the caustic negative effects of Millennialitis.

The most effective method for ridding oneself of Millennialitis, however, is to simply recognize that you’ve contracted it. The Piscean disconnect is an aspect of the condition which is more difficult, perhaps impossible, to banish from oneself. Although again, simply recognizing its presence in your life is the first step towards downplaying its effect.

One more thing. Instead of always thinking right thoughts, do the right thing. If you think of a great idea, make it reality. Bridge the gap between the world as you see it, and the world as it is.