Here is a Complete List of Everything Chicago Party Aunt is Promising to Do on Day 1 as Mayor
As Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking a third term as Mayor of Chicago, no candidacy has garnered as much early buzz as that of the hard-drinking, Rush Street-prowling, Chicago pro athlete-bedding @ChiPartyAunt.
She has been enthusiastically trumpeting her platform on her preferred medium of Twitter, announcing an astounding number of actions to be taken on her first day in office. It can be hard to keep track, so here is a complete list of Chicago Party Aunt’s Day 1 Agenda:
✔ ️Add Andre Dawson to the Chicago Cubs roster
✔ Un-mask the Eagle Man
✔ ️Either terminate the city’s contract for the privatization of parking meters, or eliminate parking meters altogether in the City of Chicago (it’s not entirely clear)
✔ Bring back the Budweiser Roof across from Wrigley Field
✔ ️Make all work days after Bears night games optional
✔ Reinstate the use of tokens and Super Transfers on the CTA (the former have not been accepted by the CTA since May 31, 1999)
✔ Name the Weiner Circle’s “Chocolate Shake” the Official Drink of the City of Chicago
✔ Reopen Meigs Field
✔ ️Order that all Wisconsinites pay for any goods and services in the city using bratwursts at currency
✔ Recommission the traffic-stopping murals along the Kennedy Expressway from now-defunct clothing company Bigsby & Kruthers (unclear if this also means a bailout for the Silverberg brothers, the owners)
Also, on Day 1 Chicago Party Aunt plans to erect the the following monuments *—
✔ Statue of the Empire Carpet Man along the lakefront
✔ Statue of Toni Kukoč outside the United Center
✔ Statue of Jeremy Roenick outside of the United Center
✔ Statue of William “The Refrigerator” Perry outside of Soldier Field
✔ Statue of Lance “One Dog” Johnson outside of Comiskey Park (as far is known, Chicago Party Aunt has never referred to the White Sox ballpark as anything but Comiskey Park)
✔ Statue of Mark Grace outside of Wrigley Field
*Of course, knowing Chicago Party Aunt, if elected it’s certain that those statues won’t be the only erections in the city on Day 1 of her term.
