Star Wars Revisited: Episode One The Phantom Menace
Over the next few months, in the run up to the release of Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi, I’m going to rewatch the Star Wars saga including Rogue One and give a warts and all recap and review of each one with, in some cases suggestions of how they could have been done differently.
The Phantom Menace (TPM) certainly comes out top in terms of warts and suggested improvements, and the improvements can be summed up with a line from a song from 1983 by post-punk outfit, orange juice; “Rip it up and start again.”
I was twenty three when TPM was released in the cinema, but in the run up to it I felt like I was seven again and waiting for the release of Return of the Jedi. This was the moment millions of us waited for across the globe. Legions of fans in their twenties and thirties lined out with the new generation of fans dressed as Jedi and Stormtroopers and Sith Lords, sparring with lightsabers in queues, anticipating the return of their favourite film franchise. The vast majority of them were disappointed.
I’m aware that some people like the film. There is a tiny but vocal minority within the online Star Wars fan community who cite TPM as their favourite and get terribly offended when anyone points out that is an objectively bad film. That’s fine, I’m glad someone enjoys it, and I’m guessing having a big bag of weed by your side helps because you really need to be baked to see any good in this one.
TPM has lots of little flaws, and one major one that condemned it to being a lame duck before the first shot was filmed and no, it’s not Jar Jar Binks. Any storyteller needs to be able to decide the point where backstory becomes story, the point in the tale that the on screen telling begins is of the utmost importance. With TPM, the prequel trilogy got off to the worst possible start by beginning the telling a decade too early in the timeline.
While Jake Llyod has recieved a lot of unfair criticism for his role as little Anakin Skywalker, the blame must rest firmly at the feet of George Lucas. Revered by millions for creating Star Wars, and rightly so, he got it very wrong with the prequels, especially TPM. Jake Llyod and Ahmed Best who played Jar Jar, could only play the roles they were given, and what was on the page stank. We won’t “thank the maker” for that.
Young Anakin and Jar Jar were roles we didn’t need to see. They added nothing to the saga overall and they were just generally annoying. I get that George was trying to show that the evil Darth Vader was once just a cute fun loving kid but the ‘yippees’, the pod race, and “are you an angel?” took you right out of the film. That’s if you were still in it.
Back to 1999 and the opening night; I was in the Savoy Cinema in Dublin, popcorn in hand, spine tingling as the opening fanfare rung out, nearly ready to leap out of my seat with joy as the screen went dark and those iconic words, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away” appeared on screen, and then my jaw dropped. That opening crawl certainly had it all: Taxation, shipping, endless debates — it was like an episode of Newsnight. At least it mentioned the Jedi.
My sense of disappointment rears its head again now as I rewatch TPM, and every time I see it (Not that it’s a regular in my rotation or anything). But what came next is equally as bad and set the tone for the rest of the film. A small ship that sounds like a propeller driven aircraft crosses the blackness of space, inside are two Jedi Knights and the ship’s crew. Liam Neeson tells the pilot to tell the Trade Federation they wish to board their ship at once. The captain proceeds to tell the trade federation they wish to board immediately. What’s so bad about that? The two opening lines of dialogue of TPM are essentially the same thing, the second line a repetition of the first line. I’m bored already.
Hot on the heels of repetitive dialogue comes an alien who speaks like a French aristocrat in the 1980’s animated series Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds. In the original trilogy, aliens usually spoke their own language with subtitles, or on occasion with dialogue from whoever they were speaking with in English (Basic) that made it clear what the alien had said, without repeating it. In TPM, and this was continued throughout the prequel trilogy, aliens spoke English with ridiculous cartoon ‘foreign’ accents that were out of place and possibly slightly racist.
So then the Jedi ship lands in the Trade Federation ship’s docking bay and we get our first bit of dialogue with Qui Gon and Obi Wan, and it’s a mini theological debate, or something about mindfulness, I’m not really sure. Anyway, it’s boring. But wait, there’s an action sequence just around the corner. It might have worked too if the battle droids didn’t have such stupid voices and say things like “roger roger.” Within five minutes of the fanfare, the hopes and dreams of Star Wars fans everywhere are dashed (apart from that small minority (stoners) who continue to champion the film).
Throughout TPM, the failures of that first five minutes are repeated over and over. From Jar Jar’s annoying, slightly racist accent and catchphrases, to droids who make Stormtroopers look like sharpshooters, from repetitious dialogue and cumbersome exposition (hello captain obvious, Ric Olie) to scenarios where the stakes don’t really seem that high, it’s one swing and a miss after another.
The positives of the film were few and far between. Darth Sidious sounded menacing and had two good lines (“I will make it legal”, “Wipe them out, all of them) and Darth Maul looked cool and had a double bladed lightsaber. The latter was criminally underused, was killed off (as far as the movies were concerned, though in canon he survived and appeared in The Clone Wars and Rebels animated series) and wasn’t really developed as a character. He was just a cool looking prop to test the Jedi against.
The other negatives are too numerous to go into here but the awkward inappropriate flirting between a fourteen year old queen and a ten year old slave boy, senate debates that reminded me of the few university debates I attended with their points of procedure and everything, and midichlorians are pretty high up on the list. Not to mention that pod race sequence that existed solely to sell video games.
But what should George Lucas done differently? Well for a start, begin ten years later in the timeline. Anakin Skywalker should be nineteen or twenty years old, Obi Wan in his thirties or forties. The main enemy should be menacing and pose a real threat to the republic; I’ve always contended that the Mandalorians should have been that enemy. This could have been the first Clone War — and there should have been more than one because The Clone Wars was always plural. We should have seen Anakin develop a close relationship with Senator Palpatine and develop a forbidden love with the Senator’s aid, Padme. We could see Anakin and Obi Wan on missions together, see their friendship and also build conflict between them as Palpatine’s influence rears it’s head. We see the war with the Mandalorians rage across the galaxy and a discovery is made that they are cloning troops. A mission by republic forces to take over the clone facility could end the war. Lead by Obi Wan, with Anakin in tow, they succeed and a row erupts in the senate over what to do with the facility. Palpatine wants to use it for the republic. Bail Organa wants to shut it down. Palpatine wins and becomes chancellor, but the senate is now bitterly divided and another war could be on the horizon. And Maul survives to fight another day. That would have been a good movie, but alas it wasn’t to be and it was left to episodes two and three to try and salvage something of the trilogy.
At least by the time the credits rolled we’d seen the last of captain obvious.
Next week: Attack of the Clones.
