Everyone Masturbates. So Why is It Such a Taboo Subject?
Lauren opens up on the first time she masturbated and how it helped her explore her bisexuality.
I have a confession to share about masturbation. When I first felt the urge to masturbate— an urge that just totally came over me — I didn’t know how to do it. I was 12 or 13. Instead of pumping my cock back and forth, I flopped my dick all around, completely clueless as to how exactly to execute the act.
But then it clicked. When I moved my hardened shaft back and forth, oh my, did it feel good. I continued.
The sexual pleasure built and intensified and then, before I knew it, my whole body tingled and this white, creamy fluid rocketed out of my dick and made a mess on me. I even tasted it — warm, salty and pungent. It was then that I realized this was semen and I’d just ejaculated — a concept I’d learned about in sex ed.
After that first self-pleasure session, I never looked back. Masturbation became a daily occurrence. I searched for and found my dad’s Playboy magazines and I beat off to those. I beat off while fantasizing about girls I had a crush on. The point is: I beat off all the time. And yet at school it was shameful to be accused of masturbating.
That’s my story of my first time beating off. What about Lauren’s? Her words (not mine):
“When I first did it [masturbated], my body was changing — I was growing breasts, I started to see curves and then I had hair on my vagina. At my mother’s urging, I began shaving my underarms and my legs and then I had this massive bush down there.
One day, already in a training bra, I got very curious about my developing breasts and I played with them and found that touching and pinching my nipples felt so good. From doing that, I felt a wetness between my legs and that got me curious. I explored my vulva like I’d never explored it before — sliding my fingers inside me. I even tasted myself. Although it was all kind of confusing at first, I quickly found that massaging my clitoris felt incredible, and I didn’t stop. I soon felt this amazing wave of pleasure come over me. It was an orgasm and I’d never felt better in my life. It was then that I fell in love with pleasuring myself.
In those years, I fantasized about lots of things, including other girls, which confused me at the time because in those years being anything but hetero was not really accepted. But I think masturbating over time helped me work through, embrace and ultimately live my bi desires — a good thing.”
Lauren has another incredible admission to make; keep reading…..
Depending on the survey/study, roughly 90% of men and women admit they self-pleasure. Most people masturbate a few times per week or maybe a few times per month. The point is: The overwhelming majority of people masturbate.
Even though Lauren and I have a lot of sex together, with Piper and with other married couples, self-pleasure remains an important part of our lives as individuals and spouses. Lauren says she masturbates about 1–3 times per week and that’s about my output, too (we have sex 10–18 times per week). It’s not really interchangeable with sex, as Lauren says:
“I don’t really see it [masturbation] as a substitute for sex with you. Sometimes it is, like if we’re separated because of travel, but then I have Piper. For me, it actually fulfills its own need, so I make time to do it by myself and I always enjoy that time on my own.
I sometimes use my fingers but more often than not I use my vibrating dildo because it stimulates my clit and my G-spot and it’s just so fun and feels amazing.
It [masturbation] does have a place in a relationship and it can make sex for a woman so much more enjoyable, especially for those of us who require clitoral stimulation to orgasm. I enjoy stimulating my clit with my fingers or a vibrator during sex. Women who don’t may be really missing out.
When I was early in my self-realization of my bisexuality, I actually masturbated with a few other girls and had sex with one of them and enjoyed it. One of the girls had a dildo and she let me use it on myself. It was huge and I was kind of scared putting it inside me. I think from that dildo my hymen was ruptured, which, when I look back on it, is pretty crazy. It was then that I really wanted to have sex with a boy because the dildo felt so good.
Anyway, [masturbation] was an important way for me to explore that part [bisexuality and sexual interaction with others] of me. I learned that masturbation wasn’t just a solo act. It could add to sexual experiences with others.”
If everyone masturbates, why is it such a taboo subject? It’s not that masturbation is taboo. It’s that sex in general is an off-limits topic of conversation, which is really dumb.
Many of us have sex on the weekends. When’s the last time you came into the office on a Monday and, when asked how your weekend was and what you did, you answered, “oh, it was great. My significant other and I pounded each other all weekend long. You?” And for sure you’ve never answered that question with, “oh, it was great. I beat off six times.”
We don’t say those things, not even to our closest friends, even though many of us enjoy sexual pleasure especially over the weekends. Why? Because sex is considered a very private matter and it’s socially unacceptable to talk about our sex lives.
Yet in our 20s we’ll go to clubs and make out with others we’re attracted to in front of others.
Imagine what life would be like if you came into work on Monday morning and, when asked what you did, your answer was something like, “oh, I blew my husband and he loved it. Then, I let him pound me like a whore in doggy-style position. We fucked all weekend, so that’s why I’m happy for a Monday!” [Warning: Do not do that!]
My theory is that not discussing sex with anyone other than our intimate partner (and even with them there may be secrets) connects to arbitrary social mores that influence how we’re raised.
Although I grew up in a family with relatively healthy attitudes toward sex, masturbation was an act that I always did in private, with the door closed and locked and the lights often off. It was a secret and no one talked about it. Ever.
It was the same with Lauren. As she recalls:
“Oh, I usually did it at night before bed under my covers. I couldn’t lock my door or else my parents might get suspicious. But I did it almost every night and sometimes when I got home from school. I once found my mom’s vibrator and she had a dildo I found, too. I knew then what I was doing wasn’t bad; it was normal.
By the time I was eighteen, I was really into it, and had masturbated with other girls and in front of a few boyfriends, too. I was a little shy doing it but it was a turn-on. When I first saw a guy masturbate and make himself cum, I was like, ‘oh, wow, that’s hot.’ I don’t think I’ve ever had sex with a guy without masturbating my clit so I orgasm. It’s just how I am and what I like.
When I went to college, I got a vibrator. All the girls had vibrators; we joked about hearing buzzing sounds behind closed doors. My sister once asked me if I had a vibrator and I said yes. She then got one.”
Lauren and I have made a point to instill a healthy attitude toward masturbation with our own son. She’s a bit shy on the topic, but I told him it’s normal and healthy, but to do it in private. Further, he knows his mom and dad have sex — we told him that’s one of the great gifts of marriage. He knows when our bedroom door is closed and locked, that probably means mom and dad are doing something that he doesn’t want to disturb.
We also keep our dildos and vibrators in our nightstand. We don’t overly hide them; nothing to be ashamed off, even when you accidentally leave your vibrator on the bathroom countertop the day the cleaners are at the house (yep, it happened…twice).
We do, however, keep our anal plugs on the down-low, and we keep our BDSM stuff (whips, ball-gag, etc.) in a safe. We also have our sex tapes securely stored. Kink and fetishes are private.
That kind of approach might seem horrifying to some (prude) parents but we think it’s best for there to be no shame around sex and masturbation, especially when both are practiced ethically and consensually.
