We’re Swingers and Polyamorists. Here are Our 17 Rules for Kinky, Drama-Free and Safe Sex.
Our rules have evolved over the years but have been essential to successfully navigating the lifestyle.
In a previous post, I shared the journey Lauren and I took in adopting our swinger lifestyle. Here, I’ll share our rules for drama- and jealousy-free swinging. These rules are in no particular order and I’ll add the caveat that, while they are “rules,” we use discretion with some of them:
Rule 1: We swing only with married couples.
We swing only with other married couples who are serious about the lifestyle and have the discipline to maintain healthy boundaries. We don’t swing with non-married couples. As we are polyamorous, we do, however, have threesome sex with single women and “hotwives.”
Rule 2: Unless there’s a known exception, condoms during vaginal intercourse are required.
Condoms during vaginal intercourse involving other couples are required not just to prevent disease but also pregnancy. There are exceptions usually for couples we know well so long as birth control measures are in place (e.g., birth control pill, vasectomy, tubal ligation). In those cases, bareback sex is OK but pulling out is a must (easier said than done).
Condoms during group sex involving multiple couples are always involved, and condoms should be changed out between lovers.
Condoms and pulling out with our polyamorous lovers aren’t required. For instance, I cum in Piper’s pussy quite often. No one has ever cum in Lauren’s pussy except for me since we’ve been together.
Rule 3: Facials during blowjobs are generally allowed. And swallowing is allowed with couples we know well.
During fellatio, pulling out is typically required and the facial or cumming on the tits are allowed, though with the couples mentioned above swallowing is okay. Not all husbands feel this way but I have no issue with Lauren swallowing another guy’s cum so long as we know him and his wife well and his wife does the same with me. Lauren actually enjoys swallowing and pleasing a man. I also have no issue with a guy cumming on her face so long as he’s respectful about it and I can do the same with his wife.
How did this rule come about (pun intended)? Early on in our swinging days, three guys in a row (in one encounter) came in Lauren’s mouth and she swallowed each of the loads. We didn’t know them super well. It made her very uncomfortable, and she got STD-tested afterward (negative, thank goodness).
Rule 4: Anal sex/penetration is allowed with couples we know well and have agreed are on the “all clear list.”
Anal sex with couples we know well is allowed. There are about a handful of couples currently on the “all clear” list for anal sex. Non-penetrative anal play with other couples is allowed. Lauren and I do enjoy anal sex and we also allow anal sex with our polyamorous lovers.
Rule 5: If we’re in a group-sex situation and the other spouse isn’t there, try not to exceed 3 total sex partners.
Sometimes, Lauren and I find ourselves in separate group-sex situations. In those cases, it’s ideal — but not required — for there to be no more than three total sex partners. In those cases, the combinations allowed are MMF, FFM and FFF.
Early in our swinging days, occasionally Lauren or I might find ourselves with three or more lovers at one.
This rule often gets broken and nowadays merely exists on paper.
Rule 6: No 1:1 except with permission.
No 1:1 sex with anyone outside of our marriage unless we have permission. Over the years, Lauren and I, separately, have had alone sex with our polyamorous lovers and every time there was permission. Well…maybe not every time.
Rule 7 No one gets left out.
Straight-up spouse-swapping with another couple is totally OK, extremely common for us and actually something we enjoy. For instance, the other husband and Lauren hook up while the other wife and I get it on. We never leave anyone out of the action and swapping is a great way to ensure equity.
Rule 8: Gang-bangs are allowed but with some specific requirements.
Gang-bangs involving five, six or more guys taking turns on a wife happen in our circles. Lauren has has been (consensually) gang-banged several times, as has almost every wife we play with. Condoms are always required during gang-bangs.
If Lauren is to be gang-banged, I must be one of the guys. If I’m gang-banging another wife, there needs to be a second wife on hand to observe and make sure all husbands are following the rules with condoms.
Typically, gang-bangs end with all the guys cumming on the wife’s face or potentially in her mouth. It’s kind of a tradition in our circles.
Rule 9: No cuckholding.
Over the years, I’ve seen my wife get banged by hundreds of men and women and she’s seen the same with me. Where we draw the line is that there can’t be any cuckholding where I’m watching her with another couple or she’s watching me in order to get off. We think cuckholding is unhealthy.
Rule 10: Age rules.
If there is a big age discrepancy, we discuss it to make sure we’re comfortable with it. We occasionally hook up with a couple that’s in their late 20s and a few years ago one of our lovers was 24. When we were in our late 30s, we hooked up a few times with a young woman who was 20. Such discrepancies can be uncomfortable unless talked out. Side note: We’ve found over the years that younger guys love to have sex with Lauren.
Rule 11: Hotwifing and hothusbanding are OK but not in an open-marriage context.
We acknowledge our hypocrisy on this rule as we have had many hotwives in open marriages in our bedroom over the years. Lauren and I sometimes each have sex with other couples but in controlled situations versus through an “open marriage,” which we don’t have. It is probably a fair assessment that Lauren hotwifes and I hothusband with other couples but not in an open-marriage context, if that makes sense.
Rule 12: Cameras off
Under no circumstances can cameras, phones, etc. be brought into the bedroom unless it’s just Lauren and me. No exceptions.
Rule 13: Monthly STD testing required.
In our circles, STD testing is required at least monthly, and we all need to bring our latest results with us to lifestyle parties, swaps, etc. Usually there is one person designated as the checker to make sure all results are negative. In our 25 years of polyamory and swinging, we’ve never had any STDs or known anyone else who had an STD…and we hope it stays that way.
Rule 14: Exit clause.
If at any time any one of us is uncomfortable with a situation, we will take appropriate action, including leaving. No questions asked. Fortunately, this has never happened.
Rule 15: No comparisons.
No comparisons between lovers. Ever.
Rule 16: Stay sober.
No sex with others— ever — while under the influence of alcohol or drugs (we don’t use drugs).
Rule 17: What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.
This is a sacred rule among swinging couples. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom, no one talks or shares with others, unless they need to confess to their spouse that they broke a rule.
