We’ve Been Swingers for Over a Decade. Here are 10 Myths About the Lifestyle.
Breaking down the many pervasive myths about the lifestyle.
Below are 10 myths, in no particular order, about swingers and the swinging lifestyle in general.
These come from insights gleaned over the last 25 years Lauren and I have been in a non-monogamous lifestyle (since we were in our mid-20s). That includes 12 years starting in the late 1990s with female threesome lovers and the past almost 13 years swinging with other married couples (and also women). By our estimation, we’ve been with 42 women and 168 married couples (to date).
Myth 1: Hotwives and hothusbands are the same as swingers.
Lauren and I have swung with lots and lots of hotwives since the early 2000s. From our experience, hotwives are typically very sexually adventurous, either “bicurious” or bisexual, and almost always attractive suburban moms in their 30s and 40s. One can be both a hotwife and swinger. But a swinger isn’t necessarily a hotwife, and a hotwife isn’t necessarily a swinger.
A hotwife, with her husband’s approval, has sexual relationships primarily with other men and, in our case, other couples. Vice versa with a hothusband. Lauren is primarily a swinger and a bisexual woman. I am a hetero male swinger. We swing with other couples, with other women and sometimes in large group situations (sexual “orgies,” you could call them).
Now, having said that, though Piper, who is currently single (and that rare unicorn in the lifestyle — single, bisexual and swinging female), is our current intimate lover, there are times when Lauren has 1:1 sex with Piper (Piper is bisexual) and there are times when Piper and I have 1:1 sex — all with the other spouse’s knowledge and approval. It has been that way with our female threesome lovers since 1998. That could get into the realm of hotwifing/hothusbanding.
Bottom line: Whether or not Lauren is a hotwife and I’m a hothusband is debatable and open to interpretation.
Myth 2: Swingers are old people.
Maybe this is because we’re getting up there — Lauren is 48 and I’m 49 — but we’re noticing a lot of younger couples get into the lifestyle. When we got into the lifestyle with other couples in late 2009, Lauren was 35 and I was 36 and most of the couples were in their 40s, though some were our age. Nowadays, the most common age, we’re finding, is around 30–35. We’re among the older couples in our circles.
We’re also finding that the lifestyle is getting more diverse. Though our swinger circles definitely skew white, we have recently been in group sex situations with Black and Asian couples.
We are also finding that there is a hotwife boom among women in their 30s. We’ve seen this at the clubs we frequent (members of two clubs).
Myth 3: Swingers identify themselves by hanging an upside-down pineapple on their door, displaying garden gnomes, etc.
There are urban myths that garden gnomes, upside-down pineapples, wedding rings on right fingers, etc. all identify couples that swing. While there may be some basis to some of that, we think it’s overblown. We do none of that. We’ve never seen an upside pineapple marking a swinging couple’s house.
How do we find other couples who are into the lifestyle? Some of that is from interested couples being introduced into the lifestyle by others we know, but many of the couples and women we’ve met and had sexual relationships with over the years have been at “swingers clubs.” Finding new women and couples has never been hard for us.
Having said that, there are some common things you may find in the home of a swinger couple. Most of us have one of the following (but not always): hot tub, sauna and/or pool. Most of us own a lot of bathrobes and towels. We like houses with lots of bathrooms and bedrooms. We like large living rooms with a lot of places to sit. We enjoy living on properties with maximum privacy, typically in the way of fencing, trees, etc.
Myth 4: Swinging is more for men than women.
From our years in the lifestyle, we feel that an equal share of husbands and wives enjoy swinging. In other words, we’ve never met a couple that swings because the husband wants it. Typically, it’s a consensual decision.
I say that with the caveat that at clubs there are typically quite a few single women and some “hotwives” looking for fun with couples. If anything, the lifestyle may skew toward women?
Myth 5: All couples that swing are on the road to divorce.
Lauren and I would argue that, if we didn’t swing, we wouldn’t be as happy as we are now. We’ve loved our lifestyle and it’s made us closer. We love to have sex with others who are married. And, as a bisexual woman, having a female lover for her and us makes us quite happy. She needs another woman, and I support that.
What protects us from marital strife, in addition to our 17 rules, are agreed-upon boundaries. Swinging with other couples is not for love or intimacy except between Lauren and me. We do share love with Piper and definitely Allison and they have been intimate sexual partners to both of us for sure. Other couples? No. With other couples, it’s about friendship, like-mindedness and adventurous sex.
As we are now in our late 40s, we’re not sure how much longer we’ll swing with other couples. But we have NO regrets about the last 25 years in the lifestyle.
I will say that we both think open marriages are problematic and ultimately conducive to divorce. We swing but our marriage is not open by any stretch. In fact, in our swingers circles, open marriages are frowned upon.
Myth 6: Swingers have a lot of STDs.
In 13 years of swinging with other couples and 25 years overall in the lifestyle, we know of no one who has ever contracted an STD or gotten pregnant (we did have a false pregnancy scare with Allison many years ago).
As noted in our 17 rules, unless the guy is very well-known and is snipped (I am snipped), or the woman is on the pill or has taken some reliable measure to prevent pregnancy, condoms are required. If no condoms are being used but the above pregnancy-prevention measures are in place, pulling out during intercourse is required. No man other than me has ever ejaculated in Lauren’s vagina.
Swallowing semen is allowed if we know the couple(s) well. In our circles, there is a lot of swallowing and, yes, that’s an STD risk. Anal sex is allowed only among a married couple (and with our intimate female partners). Most of the couples we associate with, ourselves included, get regularly tested.
Myth 7: Swinging is cheating.
Swinging is not cheating so long as both spouses are aware and participating. If one spouse participates but the other doesn’t (but is aware), then that is likely a consensual hotwife or hothusband scenario. Lauren and I swing with other couples and women together. Though, at a party, she may occasionally have sex with a different couple or group than I’m having sex with, we are almost always in the same room or house and in the know about who the other is with and what’s happening at a given time.
Myth 8: Swingers are irresponsible.
The myth goes that married swingers, because of our lifestyle, are irresponsible and reckless. Let’s take those apart:
All of the fellow swinging couples we’ve been with over the years have been highly responsible. We make sure there is consent and that adequate protection (e.g., condom) is in place when necessary. Further, good communication that is 2-way — or, as is usually the case, 3, 4, 5, or 6+ way :-) — in swinging situations is a must.
Further, the vast majority of couples we swing with skew professional and highly educated. Lauren is a surgeon and we have more than a handful of MDs, nurses, etc. we swing with. There are attorneys, accountants, a few professors and teachers, and some C-suite professionals as well. Our circle consists of impressive people, most of us in our 30s and 40s and almost all parents. They are not irresponsible or reckless.
Myth 9: Swingers are weird.
OK, so I like unique people who aren’t like most others. I’m an “indie”-kind of guy. That said, Lauren and I have never had fun with any “weird” married couples or women. We’ve been with some very sexual women and couples — we consider ourselves extremely sexual — but none who have been weird, as in perverted, antisocial, unfriendly, etc. They, like us, are mainly just sexually adventurous and enjoy group fucking, spouse swapping, etc.
Let me just put it this way: In your life, you probably know someone or maybe a couple that has swung/does swing. Your neighbors may swing. We are all around.
Myth 10: All women who swing are bisexual.
Not true. Lauren is bisexual and has been since she was a girl, and most of the women we’ve been with have been either bisexual or “bicurious,” a label Lauren sometimes struggles with because of its overuse. One woman was a lesbian who wanted to see what a man was like (so I volunteered and she did enjoy it).
Here’s where it gets interesting: Lauren has had sex with women who described themselves as neither bicurious nor bisexual but who just kind of “played along.”
I myself have wondered at times if I’m bicurious. I doubt I am but there have been times when urges have come over me. I think that’s a part of being human?
Bonus: Women who swing are sluts.
This myth is not just sexist but also false. Sluts indiscriminately sleep with people. Lauren and I carefully choose our sex partners. That said, we know we have a lot of sex partners and we have slept with and had kinky sex with a lot of women and married couples (as noted above, at least 168 couples), which makes us “selectively promiscuous.”
Do please share other myths you’ve heard!
