Back to School Blue
I’ll never forget the man who killed me. His eyes were a particular shade of blue. Somewhat transparent, as though everything inside him had frozen over. He barrelled through my heart like a ghost leaving behind a deep chill.
His eyes stared back at me as though there was nothing he could do about eating me alive. Those wolf eyes.
When you fall off your skateboard and your collar bone is hanging out, adrenaline should rush through your veins so you don’t feel the pain. But I had no adrenaline. It was a slow death. Piece by piece. First there were zombies, and then loss of perception of reality, and finally, acute enchantement followed by a tearing of the cardio-vascular pump. The chances of survival were slim and recovery was slow.
Nevertheless, somehow, deep in the darkest cavity of my ravaged self, a small, almost ethereal light flickered. A little dose of the most powerful healing agent in the world.
It ran warm through me, almost undetected, like a legend, a lore, an anecdote you often hear of but never really encounter. Drip, drip, drip like an IV fluid. Like a a drop of dew from a morning rose slipping down onto the lake like a tear, this little fairy liquid reverberated throughout mywhole body of water.
I’ll never forget the man who held my hand. His eyes were a particular shade of blue. He had a bright orange halo around his pupils. When he looked at me, he appeased the pain and with every blink, he made the healing antidote vibrate.
I quickly noticed that the wolf indeed was not eating me alive for his pleasure, he was a necessary obstruction on my way, so I could finally choose the right path. But so then I put my entire love into an obstruction, or a construction of my mind. And it had killed me. The healing remedy that had been planted in the deepest crater of my chewed up heart was love. A love so pure, so deep, so profound and strong it vibrates like an echo in Gol Gumbaz.
Unfortunately the sight of zombies persisted. All I saw were broken hearts and wolves. Feral creatures who curiously sniffle at the smell a soul perfume they have not yet encountered, yet who run hastily at the first whiff of caring or love.
I’ll never forget the man who showed me his heart. His eyes were a particular shade of blue. His wide smile shone brightly but didn’t irradiate the dark depth of his blue eyes. He showed me that the love I had been carrying and spreading and encouraging inside me had become an armour.
My mistake had been thinking that I could fiercely love with only half of my heart.
All these adventures have brought me here. T-18hours to the first day of the rest of my life. I had sworn off relationships and had promised myself that I would pour my healing honey entirely into my work, my life mission, my calling, my charge, my duty. But my funny blue eyed friends remind me that you have to love whole heartedly when you love. And if your mission is to love, the you MUST love fiercely, without fear.
Yet I stand here paralysed with fear. Wanting to love endlessly and I’m deathly afraid of the wolf. The wolf and other beasts that inhabit my being.
I thought I’d never have to face a back-to-school. Tomorrow I’ll be facing the most challenging one yet. All I can do is jump in with an entirely open heart. Here goes nothing.