Stoic advice: I’m no longer a Christian, but I haven’t come out yet

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J. writes: I’d like some philosophical help working through a somewhat thorny personal issue. I have been an evangelical Christian all my life and I am currently stepping back and figuring out where I am on that. My ultimate goal is, once I figure out where I am, to “come clean” and live outwardly as I am inwardly. However, while I’m figuring things out, I’m acting as though I’m still a true believer. No one besides my wife is the wiser. Is this cowardly? Should I aim to work things out openly? There could be personal consequences at the end of this: loss of friendship, loss of community, shame for my family (those who are still evangelicals). Since I honestly don’t know (but do suspect) where I’ll end up my thinking is that I shouldn’t rock the boat just yet.

I think the best answer to this kind of problem, from a Stoic perspective, comes from Epictetus and his role ethics. In Discourses I.2, he tackles the case of two slaves who are faced with the task of having to hold their master’s chamber pot. One obliges, one refuses. The first one is playing the straightforward role of a slave, while the latter seems to choose instead to put his fundamental role as a human being, and the dignity that comes with…