Do you know me?

Have you met me?

Did you read my mind while writing this?

How did you know I’m struggling with this?

How come you were so articulate with this?

Why is this only having 14 recommends?

Where did you get the nerve to write this?

Dont worry! You can skip the questions.

As I write this today, I have deliberately skipped church (Sunday service) twice because I seem to question so manythings and my faith was shaking.

But I was equally scared that God will strike me dead because I wouldn’t go to church to do what He wants me to do. His work! That’s the reason I live right? And that’s the reason I’m saved.

But if I’m truly saved, why are some things in the church being questioned. Why is “the church” getting me depressed. It’s supposed to make me stronger and “be there”. Why is it making me feel stressed out. It’s supposed to be my “relief” from “work”. Why is it suddenly becoming the “Work”. I have dealt with enough stress from work and life. I need someone or something to just “BE THERE” to make me know I can be strong and I can survive it.

Day by day, I try to understand the powerful words “ ‘Our Father’ WHO ART IN HEAVEN”. My father in heaven should be totally different from my father on earth. My father here on earth is wonderful but he’s got flaws. My father in heaven shouldn’t have flaws. That should make him different from my father on earth. His perfection and Undying Love should be the reason I need a father in heaven in the first place. Then, I kept thinking of my own flaws. Maybe those things Im not comfortable with in the church are not actually flaws. Maybe I’m seeing them as flaws because I’m a Fucked up sinner who’s only tryin to display false morality.

Then Charles Bukowski happily tormented me with this Quote some weeks ago.

False morality is the disease of a people who are told what to think and how to act from an early beginning

I kept thinking of my flaws. How I skipped the church twice and how I dont wanna stay a second after service. How workers meeting makes me angry but I’m stuck with it. I think about how I don’t read my Bible everyday (sometimes I don’t even touch it in a week) except pastor Rick’s daily devotional and Bishop Jakes' book which I’m currently reading. I think about how I can’t spend thirty minutes to pray except some ten or fifteen minutes. How I cant stand up from bed and shout in the morning and speak in tongues like that brother next door.

Maybe I’m not strong enough. Maybe I don’t have Christ enough, maybe I need to read my Bible more, maybe I need to pray more, Maybe it’s because I have some online friends who are Atheist. Maybe I need to preach in the bus (Pls dont laugh here). Maybe it’s the romantic poems I’ve been reading from Mike Essig and other AWESOME medium writers (Pls dont ask me why I thought of this. My thoughts are terrible and stupid. I’m weird! Someone confirmed that today). Manythings won’t stop popping up. This is the devil making me wanna backslide. Everybody ain’t feeling the way I’m feeling, so it means I have lost connection with God and the devil is now ministering in my heart. I was equally thinking “Bro, you’re gonna burn in hell with these questions. JUST ACCEPT CHRIST ALREADY AND DO AS HE SAYS AND FOLLOW THE CHURCH ORDER AND RULES”.

Manythings were popping all over my brain. My brain was gonna explode and I was going to go mad. Thank God I write and thank the stars that I read here on medium. That’s what’s keeping me sane because many Things weren’t making sense. And at a point, I was like “Dear God help me. I Cant do this. I’m finding it hard to cope”

I couldn’t tell anyone these things but I was Dying inside. I am still struggling with these things. I swear down, I am still struggling with it but at minimal level now.

I know I can’t lose my faith but I don’t wanna keep my faith in God because I want to gain heaven. NO! I want to Trust him and know he’s got my back. I want to love Him the way Apostle Paul did. I don’t want questions. I don’t want to question His orders. I don’t want to see FLAWS in him. He is a perfect God. He’s got NO FLAWS. But the way the church is telling me to go about my faith is not the way I want it.

Let me be sincere with you, What I have now is “Boring Faith”. I’m sure this is not how God wants my faith to be. I know He sees me hanging on but Im dying. So I decided to skip church twice, thanks to a Sunday exam and another Saturday exam which made me give excuses to skip sunday service.

Well I’m supposed to be in church right now but I’m not going. Im only thinking about going for tomorrow’s vigil because it’s a special service and I might be the one to play the piano (I don’t care about playing the piano but I’m scared God will not answer my small prayers if nobody is there to cheer people up with the piano). I am sick and my faith in him is BORING and born out of FEAR.

Did you just say “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom”. FINE! But I dont think its this kind of fear. I want a fear born out of love. Not this kind of fear. My love for Him right now is not selfless. IT’S SELFISH. I seem to say YES to His word and live by them, because of heaven. The church makes me question too much and it’s making me go crazy.

The only thing I enjoy right now which is my selfless service is “giving to God” and “the determination to make others happy and fulfilled”. Apart from that, every other thing about my relationship with Him is Selfish.

I don’t wanna be like this. Even if I am trying so hard to hear His words and live by his instructions, I don’t wanna die like this.

Sometimes, It even makes me think I’m devil’s incarnate (the mysterious devil that lives by God’s rules) when I see some people who are not even trying to live up to the standards of the Bible but ARE OK WITH THESE RULES OF THE CHURCH AND HAPPILY EMBRACING THEM. It makes me wanna confirm that something is wrong with me.

And Its so sad! It’s so sad! The church isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s sad! I keep up with some pastors outside our country and I get encouragement. I read books and I am encouraged but something is clearly wrong with the “church” as an institution.

Maybe not only here in our country but here in Nigeria, it’s clear something is wrong and those people “up there” in the church makes me feel like something is wrong WITH ME. I see people who write I Love God on their profile and I can’t even write the same (and I feel ashamed) because I don’t really know if I love God (even if I try to live by His word and his standards). I think it’s those folks following these rules and weird beliefs (which I question) that actually loves God. If I really do love God, then I should be comfortable with these things about the church that I’m questioning right?

Let me just stop here. I think I’ve spilled my guts here already. Something I was scared to do initially.

And you Ore Oshin, you are just wonderful. A wonderful being, a wonderful writer and A STRONG LADY. Fuck Gender (and I think I need to learn to stop using the “F” word)! You are A STRONG WOMAN! YOU’VE GOT BALLS.

I relate with EVERYTHING right here. And I really wish some pastor can read this and tell me what’s wrong with the church and how to make me stay sane again without skipping church.

I didn’t write this to fix your decision of not going to church. And I equally don’t like the idea of how we Christians want to “fix people”. I don’t know if it’s the devil in me that’s talking but I want to believe God can fix his people. We only need to “BE THERE” and not try to fix them. In the process of stupidly trying to fix them, we end up hurting them. It’s Crazy!

Ore, thanks for writing this. Thanks a lot. I’m riding the same boat with you. We are riding this together even if we seem to be taking different course. But be rest assured that we are in it together.

I will say this again. I have quoted it twice on some previous stories but I ll quote it again. The famous Charles Bukowski’s quote (Ok! Maybe not all that famous)

When someone else’s truth is the same thing as your truth and he/she seem to be saying it just for you, that’s GREAT — Charles Bukowski

Did I hear you say There’s something with Charles Bukowski and I. Yeah you’re right. I love Him! I just Love him. If he’s alive, I would run away with him to a place we dont know and where no one knows us. Where I will convince him to love God and we’ll do it together. Where we’ll just pray and believe God will answer. Where we’ll just be ordinary lover of God. Where there are no rules to question. Where we’ll selflessly Love God. I ll ask him to teach me how he thinks and also teach me how to write.

Ore Oshin, you are great. And you just earned another follower on medium. I think I will love to read more of your work. You just made me Spill manythings I’ve been hiding inside me. And I know I won’t skip going to “church” and maybe I don’t have the nerve to start a group and correct this “madness” (Lord forgive me if it’s the NORMS and not madness) in the church but I have learnt A LOT from this. And you just made me and my faith stronger.

Thanks for writing this.

Thanks for writing this. I need to give you a hug. (I’ve been receiving and giving much hugs lately)

**BIG HUG** Thanks Ore. Thanks!

And to you Oyindamola Williams, thanks for making me see this.

Thanks to both of you.

***Another Big hug for you too***. Thanks!