Write during the darkest moments…
You will realise its power.
I was not depressed.
I knew I wasn't depressed but it seem something is wrong as I hit the 17th day of not publishing here on medium.
Though, I barely do streaks of publishing but I have equally not gone through streaks of "not publishing".
The past 17days, I have been overwhelmed with a very strange feeling. A feeling I find hard to explain. The kind of feeling where everything just seem to make no sense.
I kept hearing a voice inside my head asking me what makes me think I need to write.
I hit the point where I felt I am living in a world of fantasies. I feel my Dream to keep writing was just what it was - Dreams
Grinding through days of not knowing what to write but still writing seem like outright waste of time - only few will make meaning out what I eventually write anyways.
I hit the point where all encouragements I got from writers here on medium were drowned by the thoughts that I can never be good enough.
I read my previous posts over and over again and I felt I have hit a plateau. A terrible one at that.
It was like staring at a mysterious pool of water, only to see a terrible reflection of you. So Lucid that you think the reflection is actually you.
I lived these moments with feelings I really cannot define (accompanied with the fear of quitting).
At that point, Living life to the fullest and trying to be better stopped making sense.
The point where learning how to code with its will challenges stopped making sense. The point where, trying to learn 'anything' considering the fact that I really suck at it doesn't make sense anymore.
The 8-6 life I am living seem like the real life - even when it could make one wanna drop dead and die - while every other thing I dreamt of seem like mere fiction playing inside my head.
Getting a degree, having a family and raising kids with the challenges of a crippling economy (and your dreams, well tucked in your drawers) were what seem REAL.
I really don't know what could have prompted this feeling but I was living with all these thoughts in my head. Days passed and I couldn't snap out of it.
Then a week passed and I was sure I was gonna die with this feeling. But I didn't stop writing.
At least let me die with the feeling that I wrote everything that stirred up in me - I thought to myself.
Although I wrote, but I lost the zeal to show to the world. The enthusiasm had vanished and everything I wrote wasnt interesting to me.
Writing Crap is not a problem but writing and not loving what you write will make you quit someday.
Being enthusiastic, loving what you write and believing you are growing is the greatest gift a writer can ever possess.
Now I know it's one thing to write and it's another thing to be enthusiastic about what you have written.
But amidst all these, I am happy to break the bad streak today. Thanks to ONE THING -
my writing.
While I was scribbling down my thoughts during these dark moments, I realised I have had this same feeling, several times in the past. And this was the point I always Quit In whatever I find myself doing at that moment. The moment I press the exit button.
What I wasn't aware of, for many years of "learning a craft and Quitting", my writings gave it to me freely. And something said to me...
Find Strength to grind through these moments.
Then I decided to keep writing. Days of 200 words, days of 5000 words, days of pouring out my fears, days of writing on how I truely perceive life, days of stupid funny stories and Days of 'just reading'. I kept finding strength while I lived through these moments.
And here I am, publishing again, trying to grind through these dark moments. Realising how I have missed days of publishing but also seeing how I have grinded through the moments and still coming out strong to write and show the world my thoughts.
This is what writing does. It makes you more aware. It makes you realise that's all you got even when you lose everything. It makes you recognise the strength in your weakness. It makes you know when you're missing it. It is the only friend that will stay true to you even at the darkest moments.
Who said it's not really necessary to write your everything.
I have come to understand how necessary it is to Write EVERTHING. Your fears, goals, vulnerability, achievements, failures, stupid thoughts, and whatever it is that exists in your mind . It’s necessary to write EVERYTHING. I knew this for a long time but wasn’t really paying attention to the power of writing. I am happy I do now.
And now, I don't know if this feeling will be over soon but I am glad I broke the streak today. I am actually contemplating on publishing this but I guess I will just publish it anyways.
I know I need to learn to write with so much enthusiasm again. I really hope the courage and enthusiasm will come back. If there is anything I never wanna stop, its 'Writing' because I have come to realise that this is the only thing that gets to stay with me …..
