Notes from an all-day meeting - April 12, 2011

I discovered the following, which are some notes I made, using Twitter, in chronological order, during an “All day Meeting” scheduled from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. for the day of April 12, 2011 at a past job in non-profit marketing.

Note if you are new to the job market, or thinking of making a career change, there are all sorts of ways to make money that don’t involve meetings.

Do some research.

• Walking into a meeting literally scheduled from 7 minutes from now (9 a.m.) until 5 o’clock. Wish me luck.
• Powerpoint graphic has the term “A MARKETING PARTNERSHIP.” — Yes, in quotes. So I fully expect them to turn on us. Way to tip your hand, “partners.”
• 13 minutes in and I have deftly avoided taking 2 business cards. I’m frantically scanning the room for tools to murder myself. Perhaps wrist-slicing with business card. Ironic, yet makes a statement.
• Oh good, my best friend ever, who is late by the way, and in no way my best friend, took the last seat available! Beside me!
• Dear god this is more brutal than Cannibal Corpse could ever be.
• I’m looking around and almost no one else looks like they’re dying inside except for Sally(fake name) who was pretty good at feigning interest for the first few minutes. Respect.
• I want to know how some of these people don’t regularly put a gun in their mouth in the mornings. Also someone said “synergy.” Was strange hearing it used seriously.
• LAME DAD JOKES + HAHAHA NERVOUS LOUD MEETING LAUGHING. That’s not incredibly awkward or anything.
• The clock say 10:11 but my internal clock is assuring me that I have literally been here for weeks. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t in this meeting.
• COST ANALYSIS RATIOS AVERAGE GIFTS SATURATE THE MARKET HOLISTIC NEW AGE LISTS SEGMENT TEST VOLUME CORE LIST DEMOGRAPHIC
• I have decided that my job has received my services for free this year and that my whole salary is earned by being at this.
• 15 minute break — quick! Help me cone up with an illness to fake! I may have to play the three word card that can get you out of anything. Say it with me, folks! I. HAVE. DIARRHEA!
• Just now realizing none of you as a mass studio audience yelled “I. HAVE. DIARRHEA.” with me so I was the guy in a corporate meeting just yelling that I have diarrhea. Positive side to this is the stress this meeting is having on my body might actually give me diarrhea.
• I’m glad I realized this guy at our all day meeting had a insulin pump because I was about to start making jokes about him being the Beeper King.
• Lunch supposedly is at noon. That’s 46 minutes away. Which in all day meeting time is akin to 9 months 14 days. You could have a meeting baby with someone you met in this very meeting. We’ll look back on this like we served in Vietnam together. Hoping I’m not the guy with a lanyard full of random ears when this is all said and done but I’m not going on record saying I’m not going to be that guy, either.
• This meeting is what I imagine scientists or accountants talk about before Ogre kicks in the door and screams NERRRRRRRRDS!!!!
• Regarding Christian demographics “we haven’t penetrated that market.” Well, of course you haven’t, Sunshine. True Love Waits! Wait, that was awful. I’m getting close to their humor now which would result in really loud laughing and then uncomfortable segue-ways back to talking about marketing jargon.
• This lady presenting has an extremely sunburnt face and I want to believe it’s from projector glow. She’s had her share of all day meetings. Those bulbs might not need changing but her face skin does. When that dries out it’s going to be like the stuff they make moccasins out of.
• This lady presenting has the same problem as the Will Ferrell SNL character who can’t control the loudness of their voice. HUSH LITTLE BABY, GO TO SLEEP.
• This would be a good point in the all day meeting for a long squealer of a fart. Just saying. No one? Do I have to do everything? Before answering, do I have to remind you that I have diarrhea?
• I wish they would hire one guy here who just makes sure the air conditioner always works and if it stops working then we get to beat him with PVC pipe on his naked legs.
• At this point I would take a pay cut if they promised, in writing, that I never had to go to a meeting again. I’m not kidding.
• Someone literally just said our strategy was to “make the most money we can.” Man, I think they’re onto something. He should be a professional business man. Should we buy low, sell high? How about thinking outside of this particular box?
• This one guy is drinking catered Tropicana cranberry juice out of a champagne flute instead of the bottle. He’s thinks he’s pretty fancy but twenty minutes ago I was about to call him the Beeper King.
• Just asked a question regarding budgets for marketing “Are we going to be taking a metrics based approach or just use the carnie way of yelling out people’s most noticeable feature to get attention?” and earned five dollars from my friend for working the word “carnies” into a question.
• Baked potatoes and salad for lunch? Man, even the all day meeting lunch sucks. The good food from lunch probably left way earlier due to attention spans or perhaps I am giving something like Lasagna too much anthropomorphic credit.
• Can’t take it any longer. Have officially bailed from the all day meeting citing “deadlines.”
• 8:30 a.m. to 12:47 p.m. was how long I lasted. I already hit “decline” on my Outlook calendar invitation to tomorrow’s meeting. They’ll be fine without me. Or maybe they won’t be, but there will be no way for me to know.
• Someone just asked me if I saw Dilbert today and I’m thinking of calling a meeting to let everyone know they can quit talking to me immediately.