Exhibit M

Let me start by saying that I’m awesome.

Upvotes, likes, comments, views, followers, subscribers. My writing is going better than ever.

I’m eating “clean.” I’m drinking lots of water. I’m working out at least 5 times a week. I’m healthier than ever.

Just last week I even got one of the better haircuts I’ve ever had.

Oh, and the last few days I’ve put myself through turmoil. I’ve had my head in my hands a lot. I’ve been unhappy.

Because I wasn’t think about any of the above. I was thinking about something else.

And that something else was pulling on my brain. Owning me. Pulverising my self with a blinding light.

Dramatic, right?

That’s how I felt. Dramatic. Tortured. Desolate.

I’ll probably read this back after I’ve published it and think “ugh.” But I do that sometimes anyway so whatever.

I wonder where this post is going. Am I allowed to write that? Is that self-indulgent?

I’m not fond of arbitrary rules and what’s wrong with indulging myself and my self?

Perhaps it’s time I truly learned some lessons from the Bhagavad Gita. The lesson that’s been in my thoughts for a few days now.

Work without attachment to results.

Perhaps that’s what this experience has taught me. I think I was thinking only about results. That stopped me from seeing it as it was.

Something I wasn’t enjoying. Something that wasn’t worth the effort. Something that I was worth more than.

I haven’t mentioned what “it” is. I know. And I won’t. Because I don’t want to. Because it doesn’t matter.

Not now, anyway. It did matter. That’s why I was in pain.

Can I work without attachment to results? I don’t know.

Sometimes I can. Sometimes I have. And it does feel liberating.

But sometimes the voice comes. The one that says “but what if?” The one that thinks it’s me.

But it’s not me. How can it be? It’s not real. It’s created. It’s created from somewhere. From something.

From someone? Is that someone the real me? Does the real me create the voice? The illusion?

I like to think so. Because that means I’m more than the voice. It’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to listen to it.

“For the one who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends; but for the one who has failed to do so, his very mind will be his greatest enemy.”

A quote from the Bhagavad Gita. One I get.

But “conquered?” How aggressive.

This experience has taught me that I haven’t conquered my mind. Not fully, at least.

Because what if I thought what was happening to me, in the moment, in the turmoil, was a good thing? What if I stopped viewing it as bad and started viewing it as good? How would I have felt then?

It was only what I thought that made it bad. What if what I thought made it good?

Everything that’s happened to me has made me. The good and the bad.

So maybe everything that’s happened to me is good.

Because I like me. Right here and right now. In this moment.

What else is there? There’s no past. There’s no future. The now is omnipotent.

I’m glad this situation happened. I’ll write about it one day. I’ll give you more details. But not today.

Today I feel like I have a choice again.

I choose to be happy.


Originally published at www.matthearnden.com on October 17, 2015.

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