I don’t know if I want to be a leader
“I knew I had to do something. As much as I’d try to rouse my friends and my teammates and everybody in the club, I knew I had to be the leader.”
That’s something I’ve written in a post I haven’t published yet. And, reading that back, I doubt I ever will.
“I knew I had to be the leader.”
Ugh. I HAD to be the leader? What does that say about what I thought of the people around me? Did I not think them capable?
I don’t know if I want to be a “leader” again.
I’ve enjoyed it in the past. But now something feels wrong about it.
I’m not saying I don’t want to. I’m saying I don’t know. I used to HATE saying “I don’t know.” I thought I HAD to know. I’d always thought of myself as “smart” and so if I didn’t know then what was I? Who was I?
Now I prefer to be curious. I’m much happier when I think “I’m curious” than when I think “I’m smart.” I’m more productive. I absorb more.
When I’m curious is when going down the water vole hole is an adventure. When I’m smart is when I don’t want to in case it hurts my ego.
Maybe a leader is someone who’s curious.
But who am I to lead anyone?
Who am I to help anyone get out of their own way?
Who am I to hope people shine?
Who am I to want people to be who they really are?
I think that’s why I like writing. Because then I tell my stories and nothing less and nothing more and you can take what you want.
You can learn something. You can learn nothing.
You can be inspired. You can be bored.
You can subscribe. You can stop reading.
This isn’t about me thinking less of myself. This is about me thinking more of you.
Because aren’t you already the leader of your life?
Don’t you already have your own permission?
Don’t you already know what you want?
Don’t you already know who you are?
How would the real you answer those questions?
Originally published at www.matthearnden.com on October 27, 2015.