I hated who I wanted to be

I’d see these “successful” people, these people who were doing the thing I wanted to do, and want them to fail. Because then I’d feel better.

It was more about the people who were around my age. It was ok not to be as successful as older people because it felt like they lived in a different world.

But to not be as successful as people my own age? I felt panicked. I had to be successful NOW otherwise I was a failure.

I wanted them to fail because that would mean they weren’t so wonderful. And then I’d be a bit happier.


I was judging the people I wanted to be like.

I was hoping the people I wanted to be like would fail.

I was hating on the person I wanted to be.

That doesn’t sake mense.

How could I have ever been successful with that attitude?

And what would’ve happened had I been successful?

Wouldn’t I have somehow sabotaged it?

Probably. Because surely I never would have let myself become who I hated.


What about you?

What do you think of when you see successful people?

What do you think of when you see someone who’s doing exactly what you want to do and is successful in doing it?

Do you judge them? Do you wish that they weren’t quite as successful? Do you wish they’d fail so that, finally, you’d be like them?

Or do you feel grateful that the success you want is possible? That the life you want is possible? That it’s possible to be the you that you want to be?

I don’t really want to tell you this but I still see people who have the kind of success I want and feel jealous.

Because why can’t I have it? Why can’t I be successful now?

Well, because I don’t deserve it.

Not in a “I have no self-esteem” kind of way. But in a “I haven’t put in the work” kind of way.

I’ve only prioritised success for the last year or so. The people who have the kind of success I want have prioritised it for years. For decades. So how dare I ever think that I’m somehow better than them or that they were just lucky or that I deserve it more than they do.

If I started thinking “I love that they’re successful,” what would happen then?

If I started thinking “I’m so happy for them,” what would happen then?

If I started thinking “I’m grateful that they’re successful because that means I can be successful,” what would happen then?

I’ll tell you what would happen.

I’d feel like things were possible. I’d feel more full of gratitude and happiness. I’d smile more. I’d be more motivated. I’d give myself more of a chance to earn what I deserve.

I’d love who I want to be.


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Originally published at www.matthearnden.com on January 26, 2016.