Colon Hydrotherapy — Yep, it’s a thing

Before I begin, I must warn the reader that this entire post pertains to poop and it being forcibly removed from my body. So, if you’re not down with that, stop reading and go watch some puppies instead. I don’t know where I first heard about colon hydrotherapy (or simply called a “colonic”), but it’s been bouncing around in the back of my mind for years. The idea behind it is that your colon has a lot of “remnants” that build up in your colon. A colonic is supposed to cure everything and improve life expectancy by 1000000000%. That all being said, I haven’t seen much hard science backing this. There’s even an episode of Bullshit by Penn & Teller talking about how they’re, well, bullshit. Let’s break the phrase “Colon Hydrotherapy” down into its parts:

• Colon — your butt
• Hydro — water
• Therapy — someone’s going to combine the two above and do something to you.

How does the therapist combine the two? Well, let me tell you…

1. Put a hose up your butt.
2. Pump water into your colon.
3. Suck out water and “remnants”.
4. Repeat as needed.
5. Profit.

My Appointment

I haven’t been this nervous for an event probably since my Ironman in 2011. I mean, come on, who even friggin does this for a profession? In general, my approach was to just not think about what I had signed up for. I kept looking for some excuse to not do this, but nothing ever came.

Waiting… Thinking it’s a long hallway.

The woman that was doing this for (to?) me was very nonchalant about the whole thing. I said I had a basic understanding of what was going to happen, so she didn’t really explain the basics.

The procedure room. You can see the bathroom in the back. Also, note the maxi-pad lookin’ thing on the bed.

First thing was go to the bathroom (you know, for modesty) and change into a hospital gown with a completely open back. Once I came out I got up on the table, turned on my side, and up went the hose. I’ll admit, this is the first time I’ve had something shoved up my butt, so I was a little hesitant, but it wasn’t horrible.

Now came the water pumping. I couldn’t really feel water pumping, per se, it was more a gradual buildup of pressure inside. She then switched it to suction mode to explain to me how I should “release” (yay for euphamisms). More-or-less, the guide for releasing is just lie back and think of England. She also mentioned to let her know if I felt any discomfort (seems innocuous, but important).

The machine. Note the clear tube in the middle. That’s where you can watch the flow.

She then switched it back to pump. After awhile I could definitely feel water on the exterior of my body, which is not something I was in favor of. I began to have a strong urge to poop. I let her know this and she switched it to suction mode. This is where I realized her telling me to let her know about “discomfort” was a critical part of the process. The suction just felt like a gentle relieving of pressure. I was able to watch the poop flow through a tube in the machine as it happened, which was mildly disturbing.

This process repeated another half a dozen times or so until time was up. Throughout the whole time we just kind of chit-chatted.

At the end, she removed the tube, turned her back (again, modesty is important I guess), and I ran to the bathroom to finish releasing. I then had about 5–10 minutes of what felt like the worst diarrhea ever because it was just water and poo coming out.

TL;DR

Having a hose shoved in my butt and water pumped in and out wasn’t exactly comfortable. I guess I can see why some people might be drawn to it, but I won’t be doing it again. The science isn’t there and I don’t feel like spending a bunch of money.

Originally published at experienceallthethings.blogspot.com on January 30, 2015.